


Reclaimed

by benofie, Dystopian_Dramaqueen, thismidnight, vellaword



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV), The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
Genre: Addicted family member, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, College AU, F/M, Family history of alcoholism, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Loss of Virginity, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Trigger warning for Ch 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2020-08-14 07:16:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 56,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20188390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benofie/pseuds/benofie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dystopian_Dramaqueen/pseuds/Dystopian_Dramaqueen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thismidnight/pseuds/thismidnight, https://archiveofourown.org/users/vellaword/pseuds/vellaword
Summary: Nick and June meet as college students at the University of Michigan.She’s from a rich family. Nick is on a scholarship and working several jobs to make ends meet. First in his family to go to college.June is spoken for. But from their first meeting, something about Nick intrigues her. He’s not like anyone else she’s ever met. Everything she learns about this quiet soul makes her want to learn more.Set against the insidious rise of the Sons of Jacob.An alternate universe where June meets Nick during her college years, pre- Gilead. What could have been different if they’d known each other then?*** Chapter 36 is new. Story is complete.***





	1. Introductions

Luke pulls June into an alcove, kissing her aggressively. She allows it for the first minute, mildly annoyed that it keeps going on and on. Knowing she’s cutting it close on time as it is. But there are no signs of stopping. He deepens his kiss, tongue probing deep into June’s mouth. His hand creeps under her shirt to caress her low back. He moans, pulling her close to his body. June finally rolls her eyes and breaks her lips away from his, holding his eyes with a stern glare. “I’m gonna be late.” Luke smiles and adjusts his crooked glasses, out of breath. June cocks her head to the side, waiting to see if he heard her. Waiting for him to respond and release her from his grip. “You’re too beautiful.” He murmurs. “I can’t stop.” He goes back in, dropping soft kisses on her neck and palming her chest through her shirt. June rolls her eyes again, pushing him away gently. “Well you have to. I’m gonna be late.” Luke nods. Taking a step away, finally. “Text me after? See me tonight?” He asks with a devilish grin. June considers this. “Maybe.” She says. They share a smile. Luke kisses her again. 

When she finally breaks away she pulls out her phone to check her schedule. She realizes that she is, in fact, now 15 minutes late for the first day of class. She jogs up the stairs of the lecture hall.

The lecture has already started. The only available seats are up front. The professor is already glaring at her as she makes her way down the aisle. June mouths “sorry.” It only gets worse. She climbs over laps and pushes past knees to finally arrive at an open seat. 

The teacher stares daggers at her as she gets settled loudly- elbowing her neighbor as she unzips her backpack, pulling out a notebook and pen. 

“Miss. Please take over reading the syllabus.”

June freezes. She doesn’t have a syllabus. She never printed it. She whips out her phone- pulling up the electronic version.

“If you’d been on time you’d know I do not allow cell phones in my class.”

June nods, sliding it into her bag. Lost and embarrassed. She looks to the person next to her. They are obviously high. Dozing behind sunglasses. Useless. 

She feels a tap on her shoulder- the person behind her is handing her the syllabus and points with their pen at where they are. She whispers thanks. 

After getting through that first ordeal- she’s able to catch her breath. She’d really been looking forward to this class. “Cross sectional feminism and civil disobedience in American Literature.”

She glances around. The room is mostly women. Fairly diverse racially. There are a few males in the back. Lounging on their phones. Frat bro types. Gross blonde square jawed meat heads here so they can mention this at frat parties. Gross. Note to men: taking a feminist lit class just for show doesn’t earn you any points. It makes you a creep. As if the teacher can tell her mind is wandering, he holds her eye contact until she starts listening again. 

At the end of class, looks over her shoulder. Turning to thank whoever saved her this morning. She’s shocked to see a guy.

But one that doesn’t fit her earlier profile. His notebook is full of notes- small even handwriting. He’d been listening. He wants to be here. Thick rimmed black rectangular glasses. Curly black hair. Dark piercing eyes, thick dark brows. 

Something. There’s something about him. Something intriguing.

June smiles, realizing she’s staring. “Thanks. For that. Helping me out earlier.” She hands him back his syllabus.

He swallows and nods. “No problem.” Quickly packing and standing to leave.

She feels a pull. Wishing he’d stay. Stay a second and connect. Not wanting to lose him to the crowd with no way of finding him again.

“Hey what’s your name?” She asks.

He pauses. Looking back at her. The direct eye contact incredibly intense. Like he’s considering whether to answer.

“Nick.” He says softly. “My name’s Nick.” He pushes his glasses up, heading for the door. 


	2. Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of classes at U of M from Nick's POV. 
> 
> A new face crosses his path several times.

Nick rolls to his side, eyes opening slowly. He reaches to his bedside table, switching the alarm clock off. 4:55. 

He sits up and rubs his eyes, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Yawning, resting his head in his hands for a few minutes while the fog of sleep recedes.

He clicks his lamp on, casting a halo of soft yellow light around his bedroom. The same one he grew up in. Still decorated with memories from a better time. Like a time capsule, preserving a past that no longer exists. Walls lined with sports trophies, ribbons. Family photos. Four of them, all together. Camping. Barbeques. Ball games. Proof. Evidence. That they were happy. That things were good. 

Nick climbs out of bed, folding and smoothing his sheets and blankets back into neat order. His dad had always insisted on that. Old habit from the marines. Make your bed, first thing. That way- no matter what else happens, you’re starting out on the right foot. Nick and Josh had gotten used to the structure, never minding it. Early mornings. Clean home. Keeping a tight schedule. They’d liked it. It was like they’d been working toward something. Training for a future where they’d need discipline. Strength. Fitness. 

Nick heads to the living room, turning off the television. His dad falls asleep in the recliner each night watching old military movies. Nick screws the lid back on the bottle of Jack Daniels, replacing it in the liquor cabinet. He takes the framed picture of his mother from his father’s hand, replacing it on the mantle as he does every morning. He slips his dad’s arm over his shoulders, helping him to his feet with gentle reassurances. His dad mutters thanks. Nick helps him to bed, closing the bedroom door behind him. 

After a quick shower, he gets 4 bowls from the pantry, lining them up on the counter top. He fills the first two with off-brand Honey Nut Cheerios. He fills the third with dog food, the fourth with cat food. 

He takes the first bowl of cereal to Josh’s room, cracking the door open gently. The bed is still made. He didn’t come home last night. Nick nods, sighing. He sets the cereal by Josh’s bed with a glass of water. He lays out some Pepto Bismol and Advil. 

He heads outside, setting out the dog and cat food in the driveway, filling another two bowls with fresh water from the hose. A crowd of thankful strays has already gathered around his driveway. “Hey guys.” He whispers. “Eat up.”

He sits at the small kitchen table and eats his cereal quickly. Washing and drying his dish, replacing it in the pantry. 

He gathers his books, work clothes into his backpack. Jacket, gloves, keys, wallet, phone. He bikes to campus. Only about 5 miles. From his dilapidated neighborhood- over the train tracks, and into the artsy student district he can’t afford to live in. Air rich with coffee and pastries. 

He locks his bike outside the lecture hall and jogs up the stairs. Settling into his seat near the front of the lecture hall. He checks his watch. 7:45. He hears his dad’s voice. _Early is on time. On time is late. Always be early._

He listens attentively. He doesn’t have time to study because of work, but if he just listens during lectures, he retains most of it. He still reviews notes before tests but really doesn’t have to. He’s always had a good memory. Paying attention, being alert. Another trait his dad had passed down. 

Nick looks up from his notes when he hears the professor pause. Following the man’s gaze to the aisle. To a girl with shoulder length blonde beach curls, making her way noisily down the row in front of him. She settles for a few seconds, then unzips her bag loudly, dropping pencils and pens to the floor. Nick listens as the professor shames her for being abundantly and obviously unprepared. Anticipating the request before it leaves the professor’s lips, he passes her his syllabus, indicating where she should start reading. She doesn’t so much as glance over her shoulder. He nods, swallowing, returning to his notebook. 

After his next class, he heads to his first job. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays he works at a Pizza place called Eddie’s from 12-6. On the weekends it doubles as a popular dive bar and hangout for the frat district down the street. He changes into his black t-shirt, black apron with the Eddie’s logo. The pay is shit but tips aren’t bad on the weekends and they usually send him home with pizzas the drunks forget to pick up.

He’s taking the trash out and pausing for a smoke behind the building near the end of his shift. One of the three cigarettes he allows himself per day. _ You have to control your addictions or they will control you. _ Another of his father’s rules for life. He leans against the building, taking his time with it. Savoring it.

He hears laughter, looking up to see the blonde. The girl from lit class- walking toward Eddie’s from the fraternity district. He sees two things very clearly right away. She’s gorgeous. Her smile wide and bright. Her eyes shining blue. Perfect. But she’s cuddled up to someone. She has a boyfriend. They look happy. 

Nick nods, dropping the cigarette and grinding it into the dirt with his shoe. Blowing out one last deep smoke filled breath, grey in the twilight air.

Girls don’t notice him. Not that he’s ever really tried. Not that he has time with work and school. His only focus, since age 12- has been keeping the lights on at home. Keeping the family together. The broken shards that are left of it, anyway. And besides. He has nothing to offer a girl like that. He puts her out of his mind quickly and finishes his shift. 

At 6:05 he hangs up the apron and bikes to his second job at the animal shelter. This one pays even less, but it feels good. Feels right. This one is for him, a labor of love.

He checks the clip board with the updates left by yesterday’s worker. He makes the rounds, checking in on animals healing from surgery. Checking bandages. Giving de-worming pills and antibiotics. Cleaning cages from the lucky few who got adopted. Filling food bowls, changing out water. He’s surprised to hear the front door bells chiming when someone comes in around 7:30. 

He can already tell it's a group of tipsy frat bros as he approaches the desk. 

_ “Luke your girlfriend wants pussy- you’re cool with that man?” _

_ “She wants...A CAT...dude. A CAT. Not pussy. Big difference.” _

_ “Who’s gonna take care of her pussy when you’re at class?” _

_ “Well if June will FINALLY agree to move in, we can both take care of it.” _

_ “I can take care of her pussy, dude, if you aren’t man enough.” _

_ “LUKE! Make him stop!” _

_ “He’s just having fun, June- it’s ok. Don’t worry about it.” _

Nick steps to the counter. “Can I help you?” 

His heart stops when June turns around, smiling widely. It's her. The same girl. Prettier every time he sees her. Makeup subtle. Perfect on her. Pale pink lip gloss. Mascara.

Her eyes land on his and they hold a long gaze. It’s not awkward. It’s familiar. Safe. “Hey” she says. “Hey” he returns. 

Luke and his friend turn to June, following her gaze to Nick. Bristling slightly, standing taller. “Hey, you two know each other?” Nick watches her face, for a signal. Not sure what to say. Letting her answer. She sees this and clears her throat. Not knowing what to say either. “We have a class together. He- um- helped me out today- the teacher was being a real asshole.” 

Luke nods approvingly. Sizing Nick up, seeing no threat from this slender quiet guy with glasses at the animal shelter. “What class?” He asks her.

June looks at Luke- mildly irritated at the interrogation. “Feminist literature.”

Luke’s friend laughs. “Guys aren’t feminists, that’s such bullshit. We just take that class to get ass. It’s like- the biggest panty dropper. ‘Hey baby, like- the struggle is real and shit.’ 

Luke slaps his friend on the shoulder to shut him up. “Hey thanks man, thanks for looking out for my girlfriend.”

Nick nods. “Looking for a cat?" 

They nod.

"Come with me. There are three available."

June speeds up slightly as they walk the long cinder block hallway to the kennel. It's subtle, but they end up several steps ahead of the others. She speaks quietly, under her breath as they walk. Keeping her voice too low for Luke and his friend to hear. “Soft spot for animals?” Nick looks at her. Trying to figure out if she’s making fun of him or genuinely curious. Her face is kind. Curious. She's actually asking. He considers for a second before answering. Voice also low. “Most of them, these ones here- get left behind when students move out. Abandoned. Someone’s gotta look out for them.” 

They walk in silence. When he unlocks the kennel door, he chances a quick glance at her. Her face is unreadable. He returns his eyes to the door. Not knowing what he was expecting. 

\--------------------------------------------

He gets home at 10 pm, dropping the mail on the kitchen table. He sits, slitting open the electric bill, reaching into his jean pocket, pulling out the wad of tips he’d made at Eddie’s that night. He counts out five ten dollar bills, 60$, folding it into the return envelope with the invoice. He walks it to the mailbox outside. He changes out the water bowls for the strays, and takes the food bowls back inside. Rinsing, drying and replacing them in the pantry. 

He brushes his teeth, washes his face, changes into sweatpants and slips under the covers. He picks his book up off the bedside table. “100 years of Solitude” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. But he can’t focus on it. He sets it down, rolling to his side.

As his eyes flutter closed, his mind is full of her. Blue eyes. Bright and open like the summer sky at the beach. Laugh free and joyous. The way his mother used to laugh. Like everything was going to be ok.


	3. Protests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June's first sighting of Serena Waterford. And Nick's brother, Joshua.

June leaves her morning biology class, swept into the stream of chattering students. 

She’s relieved to get out of the building, away from the fluorescent lights, into the cool autumn air outside. The sky is bright blue, bordered by the crisp yellows and oranges of the fall foliage. 

As she walks down the stone steps of the lecture hall she instantly senses that something is amiss. 

A large crowd has gathered at the center of the Campus. On the “quad” right in front of the student union. It’s loud. There’s shouting and booing. 

As she gets closer it becomes clear that someone’s giving a speech. They have a microphone, a podium and speakers. It’s a blonde haired woman in a business suit. A bearded man stands a few steps behind her. 

She hasn’t seen them before. They don’t have faculty badges and they don’t look like students. They’re a little older- mid thirties, maybe. Whoever they are, they are NOT being well received. They’re surrounded by an angry crowd, some with signs, most simply shouting. 

The woman’s face is familiar. June’s seen her somewhere before. Maybe on a TV show? Then it hits her. She knows who this is. Serena Waterford. Author of the controversial book “A Woman’s Place.” Husband Fred Waterford at her side. The student newspaper had run an editorial defending their right to speak. Citing this as an example of freedom of speech that the university must protect at all costs, no matter how unpopular the opinion. The student body had petitioned to cancel her invitation. Comparing her message to that of the Nazis. 

June gets close enough to listen for a moment. Serena is beautiful, well spoken and passionate. Telling the crowd they need to change their ways or the entire human race is at stake. June rolls her eyes, turning to leave.

But she pauses, sensing a presence near her, quickly scanning the crowd for familiar faces. _ Luke’s in class for another hour. Moira’s never up this early. Luke’s frat buddies wouldn’t stop for a women’s rights protest. Maybe someone from class? _

She keeps looking, gaze settling a few rows back to her left. Nick. He has his sweatshirt hood up, and a thick brown shearling jacket over it. But the square glasses and curly dark hair are a dead give away. She smiles and waves, but gets no response. His eyes remain fixed on the speaker with a look of concern. “Nick” she calls. He looks over, slightly confused at the unexpected greeting- face freezing when he recognizes her too. He raises a hand in response. June gestures, asking if she can stand with him. He nods, picking up his bag, moving it to his other side to make space. They stand, listening in silence for several minutes before she leans to his ear. “What do you think?” She asks- nodding toward Serena. 

“Scary stuff.” He says quietly.

June nods. After a minute she leans in again. “Do you think anyone should be allowed to speak? Like the paper said? Like even Nazis and extremists?” 

Nick nods toward Fred. “It isn’t just talk. They really believe this stuff.”

June looks at him. Waiting for more. Nick nods toward the stage. “Fred’s dad is a Senator. They’re trying to pass laws. Change things.”

“What things?” June asks, nervously.

Nick looks over to gauge her face. “Have you read her book?”

June shakes her head, feeling a smile starting. _ What, you have? _

“They don’t think women should work. At all. They want to set women’s rights back two hundred years.”

“What the fuck?” June says with disgust. 

They stand in silence. She glances at Nick a few minutes later. He’s staring beyond the crowd to their left, eyes narrowed. Watching someone. The wrinkle between his brows growing deeper. “I gotta go.” He mutters as he slings his backpack over his shoulder and pushes out of the crowd. 

June feels a pull. An urgent need to learn more about him. Any detail, any scrap about his life. She follows him. Leaving some distance behind him. 

He crosses the open space quickly, walking toward a group of men lounging by a parking lot. They seem to know him. As she gets closer, she recognizes some of them too. She’s seen them at Luke’s frat parties. Former frat brothers, older- the ones who still hang around for parties and haven’t moved on to steady jobs or adult life yet. Most of them Jocks who peaked in highschool. Burnouts. 

Nick is talking to one person in particular. Someone who looks eerily similar to him. It’s like watching someone argue with their doppleganger. 

There are differences for sure. The man is taller. Broader shoulders. But still slender and fit like Nick. Same dark eyes and thick brows. The same curly black hair falls around his face as he leans forward to light a cigarette. But it’s longer, less tamed. Raked easily back into handsome disarray as he raises his head to speak with Nick. She gets the feeling those two attributes apply to more than just his hair. Messy and gorgeous at the same time. 

_ He’s like something out of a Christian Slater movie. Leaning on the hood of a car. What was that show on TV in the 90s. My So Called Life. This guy looks like that bad boy heart throb. Jordan. Jordan Catalano. Or John Travolta in Grease, right down to the leather jacket. This guy looks like that. _

June wonders who this is, fascinated. _ Brother if I had to guess. _ The physical similarities are uncanny. Nick looks increasingly upset. It’s subtle. But the conversation doesn’t appear to be going well. The other guy seems less concerned. Flicking his cigarette butt to the ground and lighting a second one. 

June glances at her watch. She has half an hour before her next class. _ Fuck it. I want to know. _

She moves closer to the group, waving to Luke’s best friend Pete. Striking up a casual conversation about the cat they adopted the other night. Pete flirts shamelessly as always, wrapping his arms around June, who shoves him off and rolls her eyes. 

She’s close enough to hear Nick’s conversation now. She keeps her eyes on the ground, trying to be inconspicuous. 

_ “Just come home. Get some rest.” _

_ “Nah. Got plans. Busy day.” _

_ “You’ve gotta eat, Josh. When’s the last time…” _

_ “I’m not gonna starve. I’ll be fine.” _

_ “Josh...” _

_ “How’s dad?” _

(A long pause.)

_ “He’s ok. About the same.” _

_ “How about you, you ok?” _

(An even longer pause.)

_ “I’m fine.” _

_ “Look. You worry too much. Stay out of trouble. I’ll see you in a few days, ok?” _

The conversation ends abruptly. June looks up to see Nick’s brother standing. He musses Nick's hair affectionately, before climbing into the passenger seat of the car as his friends pile in to leave. He’s lighting a new cigarette, hand trailing out the window. He waves at Nick as the car pulls away. Nick stands still, eyes fixed on the ground. 

June doesn’t know what to do next. She should leave. Walk away. Give him privacy. Pretend she didn’t see anything. It’s none of her business anyway. 

But she doesn’t leave. The pull toward him is too strong. The need to check in. Connect. She has no idea what’s going on or what to say- but she can tell it didn’t go well. Something’s wrong. Something big. 

She stays still as the crowds disperse. Luke’s friends pile into their cars. The quad grows quiet as the speech ends and the protesters head home. She checks her watch. _10 minutes til class starts. _

She walks over to Nick. Clearing her throat. “Hey. I was wondering if- you’d like to-”

Her voice pulls him from his thoughts. He looks up. Eyes full of deep sorrow. Hopelessness. Loneliness so visceral it stops the words in her throat. He looks away after a brief second. 

“Was that your brother?” She asks softly. 

He nods. Pulling his backpack on, turning to leave. 

“Nick, wait.” She calls behind him. “There’s a party later, at the frat house, you wanna go? They’ll all be there, these guys-”

“I don’t drink.” He says softly. 

June’s eyebrows go up. She wasn’t expecting a complete shut down. Her mind scrambles to find something else. “Coffee later?” 

“I’ve got work.” He says quickly. 

“Are you on Facebook? Instagram? I can send you a message, figure something out…” 

Nick shakes his head, voice soft. “I don’t have a smartphone.”

June’s stomach twists. She’s making this worse. Whatever the problem is. She’s reminding him of it. “I… just want to.... maybe we could study for lit class?”

He looks up. The piercing pain in his eyes a bit softer. Replaced by curiosity. Like he’s asking her what she’s doing. “Maybe.”

“Can I text you?”

He holds her gaze, considering this. “Sure.” He hands her his flip phone. She puts her number in and texts herself. 

“Ok. Thanks. See you in class.”

He nods, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and walking off quickly. 


	4. Altercations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night of partying goes badly for June. Nick is nearby and intervenes. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING for attempted rape.

Nick sets the empty dish tub on the table, picking up the crumpled bills of his tip and tucking them into his pocket as he busses an empty table at Eddie’s, clearing the dishes, wiping it down. Resetting it. 

He’s carrying the dishes to the back when the manager stops him, speaking a mile a minute, frantic. 

“Can you drive?” 

“What’s wrong?” Nick asks, worried. 

“Do you have an active driver’s license?” He asks again, searching Nick’s face urgently.

“Uh, yeah.” Nick says, still not understanding where this is going. 

“Thank God.” The manager says, clasping him by the shoulders. Visibly relieved. “Mark’s here but he’s high out of his mind. Can’t even walk straight. I need you to take his car and do deliveries tonight, ok? I’m gonna have Susan come in and take the rest of your shift. Ok?” His tone and expression tell Nick this is an order, not a request.

Nick tries to hide his dismay at the lost shift. Delivery doesn’t make half the tips he would have made in-house tonight. But there’s time. He still has a few weeks before rent is due. It should work out by then. He can always take an extra shift over a weekend if he has to.

Nick nods and takes the car keys from the manager, hanging up his apron, glancing with dismay at the long list of tickets hanging in the kitchen.

_ Friday. Busiest day of the week. _

_ \------------------------------------- _

Six hours later he’s finally done. Eddie’s stops taking delivery orders at 10, and it’s ten til midnight. 

He leans against the car, indulging a quick smoke break on the edge of the fraternity district. Watching groups of tipsy girls walking between parties. Listening to the normal Friday night sounds of dance music and raucous laughter. 

Nick pauses, looking up. Scanning the darkness, thinking he heard something out of place. 

After a minute, he hears it again, dropping the cigarette, grinding it into the pavement, walking quickly down the street, following the sound. Trying to get a better sense for what it is. Where it’s coming from. 

Two blocks away from the car, four houses into the district, he hears it again. Louder. He turns, localizing it in the alley between two of the houses, more concerned the closer he gets. A fight of some kind. But not the usual knock down, drag out brawl you’d expect around here. Those always draw a crowd. It’s too quiet. There are sounds of distress, but only a few times a minute. He quickens his pace, breaking into a run when the scene comes into view.

\-----------------------------------------

June wakes up on her side. Mouth impossibly dry. Brain on fire. Sunlight blindingly bright against her closed eyes. She blinks. It’s like daggers in her eyes. She shades them against the light, sitting up quickly, instantly regretting that decision as the room spins around her, stomach twisting violently.

She sits perfectly still, waiting for the nausea and vertigo to subside. There’s a glass of water by her bed, Pepto Bismol and two Advil. She blinks, confused. She doesn’t keep those in her apartment. She takes them in her hand, looking at the stamped logos on the pills- swallowing them down with water before laying back down with the pillow over her face to block the light. 

Later when brushing her teeth she’s startled by her own reflection. Her upper lip is bruised, she has a black eye and her hair looks like a rat’s nest. She touches her lip, wincing. It stings and throbs in response. Puffy. Like she'd been in a boxing match. She also notices that she’s wearing a black sweatshirt she’s never seen before. She walks down the hall to her roommate’s room, pushing the door open, needing answers. 

“How’d I get home last night?”

“Must have been a good party.” She says smugly over her shoulder. 

_Yes. I drank too much. Don't be an asshole you smug little shit. _June winces at the latest wave of nausea, letting it subside with her eyes closed. She swallows and continues. “Did I… bring anyone home with me last night?”

The roommate takes out their earbuds. “You really don’t remember?”

June shakes her head, regretting it instantly, gripping the door frame so she doesn’t fall over. 

“Some guy drove you home.”

“Did he...stay?” 

“No. He just dropped you off. Tucked you in and left. Brought your clothes- threw them in the washer. I put them in the dryer." June looks back to the common room- sure enough, last night’s dress is clean, dried and folded over the back of the couch. She nods. Pausing. Steeling herself for the next part of the questioning. 

“What did he look like?”

“I didn’t get a good look at him.”

June nods. Humiliated by this game of 20 questions. “But it wasn’t Luke?”

Her roommate shakes their head. 

“Was it Pete?” 

“No, I hadn’t seen him before. He was wearing an Eddie’s shirt. I think he works there.”

June frowns. _ Not a clue. I don’t know anyone who works there. Fuck. This is embarrassing. _

\------------------------------------------

Pieces come back to her over the course of the day. Foggy memories, triggered by conversations with friends. 

She’d had a fight with Luke at the party. That part she remembered clearly. She told him about the Waterford’s speech and the student protests. He didn’t seem concerned, parroting the newspaper’s opinion that everyone has a right to speak their mind. June had picked up a copy of Serena’s book after the protests and understood why Nick had looked so worried. Serena’s focus on family values and traditional households seemed innocuous on the surface, but the misogynistic undertones between the lines were deeply disturbing. She’d laugh the whole thing off if these people weren’t so serious about it. Touring the country spreading their message. Lobbying congress. Pushing for official policy changes. That was the frightening part. The idea that it could become real. Serena’s vision of America.

Luke’s nonchalance didn’t sit well with her. She couldn’t let it go. Some deep part of her simmered with anger. Resentment. He hadn’t heard her. Hadn’t validated her concern. He didn’t get it. 

Later on at the party, after a few drinks, she asked directly if he had any problem with the concept of women not working, being financially dependent on men. He had smiled and pulled her in for a hug, telling her he’d take care of her if that ever happened. That she shouldn’t worry about it. She’d stormed off, precipitating a screaming match that led to him leaving early. The remaining memories are patchy at best. Images and feelings. Fragments. 

_ She remembered girlfriends telling her to forget Luke. _

_Shots. Several shots. 3? 4? _

_Dancing. _

_ Weed. _

_God, she never smoked, but she’d done it last night to relax. _

_More dancing. _

_More weed. _

_ She’d hung out with Pete- Luke’s friend. _

_Pete brought her more drinks. _

_Pete said he’d walk her home. _

_When they got outside, he'd started kissing her. _

_He tasted like beer, reeked of bad cologne. _

_She remembered laughing at him. Flattered. _

_She knew he liked her, but he was Luke’s best friend and he’d never crossed the line before. _

_ That’s when the memories change. _

_Something changed. _

_And it wasn’t fun anymore. _

_ He was pushing her into the wall, crushing her with his weight. _

_He wasn’t listening when she told him to stop. _

_She screamed and he covered her mouth, telling her to shut up. _

_I_ _t was hard to breathe. His hand smelled like beer too. _

_He was strong. _

_He was pushing up her dress. _

_She turned her head for air and shouted for help. _

_ Then she was on the ground, catching her breath. _

_Pete was gone. _

_Someone helped her up. _

_She puked all over them. _

_But they helped. _

_They got her home. _

_ She can’t remember anything else. _

_ \--------------------------------------------------- _

Nick helped June to the car and drove her back to Eddie’s. 

He was thankful to see an empty parking lot as he pulled in. Everyone had gone home by the time he got there. The manager had taped a note to the door with instructions. He’d sent the delivery driver, Mark, home in an Uber. He asked Nick to leave his car keys in the restaurant after he locked up. 

He took June inside the restaurant, gave her a change of his clothes from home and had her clean up and change in the bathroom. 

He locked the cash bag in the safe, rinsed her dress and put it in a plastic bag for the ride home. 

When she was ready, he drove her to her apartment, walked her up, talked with her roommate who he knew from a computer coding class. Threw her dress in the laundry machine. He asked the roommate not to mention him. Didn’t want her to be embarrassed when she woke up.

He helped June into bed before he left, setting out some medicine from his backpack and a glass of water. He’d helped Josh and his dad through enough hangovers to know she was in for a bad morning and he hated the thought of her in pain. 

He sat on the edge of her bed. She had a few bad bruises forming already. Her face puffy from the drinking. But somehow she was even more beautiful. Every time he saw her, it was harder to look away. She’d wiped her makeup off when she washed up- and he noticed small freckles on her nose. Something about them was endearing. Like a secret part of her that most men would never see. 

He froze when her eyes blinked open. She watched him without speaking for a long moment. “Hey.” She murmured.

“Hey” he said back softly.

“How’d you get here?” She asked sleepily.

“I walked you home.” He says quietly.

“Thanks” she murmurs, eyelids blinking closed with a yawn.

Nick nods, smiling at how cute June is when she’s sleepy. Another thing most people would never get to see. He feels something swell in his chest, but pushes it down. He knows this isn’t going to go anywhere. And the familiar fear rises. _ People I love die. Better not to get attached. _ He takes one last look and gets up to leave.

But his hand is stuck to the bed. She’s holding it. He finds her eyes. She's asking him to stay. He stays. He brushes her thumb with his. Holding her hand til she falls asleep. 


	5. If the Sweater Fits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June finds out who saved her. And gets a cuteness overload at the animal shelter.

June pauses outside Eddie’s. She closes her eyes, trying to clear her mind before she goes inside. _ Whoever this is, they helped you. You need to say thank you. Give them back their sweater. It doesn’t have to be a whole thing. You don’t owe him anything. _

She tries to ignore the guilty voices shaming her for drinking too much, for getting herself in that situation in the first place. _ It’s college. Everyone drinks. I’m not the first girl at U of M to drink too much at a frat party. But what if this guy is a creep? A weirdo? What if he DOES think I owe him something? God I can’t believe this even happened. I let someone take me home and I have no idea who it was. This is fucking awful. _

She looks up, realizing that nothing’s going to make this interaction less awkward. She needs to go inside, find the person that helped her the other night, return their sweatshirt, and move on. She knows she’ll feel better when it’s over. She blows out a deep breath and heads inside. 

\----------------------------------

Nick hangs up his apron, clocking out. He pulls his jacket and backpack on. Heading for the front door when he sees her. _ June. The girl from class. _ His chest hurts. He tries to ignore it. He looks away for a second. She’s been on his mind so much lately he wouldn’t be surprised if this was just another daydream.

But when he looks up again, she’s still there. Standing at the hostess stand. She looks nervous. Shoulder length blonde beach curls. A yellow knit sweater that perfectly complements her blue eyes. She sees him. Her eyes find his. The twisting under his ribs worsens. _ Control your addictions or they will control you. _

He pushes the feeling down. _ She’s not here for me. _He forces a small smile as he approaches her. 

“Hey. Need a table?”

June doesn’t reply. She’s staring at him. Making it worse. So fucking pretty. The freckles are hidden today. He wants to tell her she doesn’t need makeup. She’s fucking perfect.

He narrows his eyes, following her gaze. She’s looking at his black eye, the butterfly band-aid over the cut on his cheek. Now she’s looking at his bandaged fingers. He checks his watch. _ Half an hour, gotta get to the shelter. _He stuffs his hand into his pocket and clears his throat. 

\---------------------------------

June's eyes connect the dots. The evidence. _Bruising over his 4th and 5th knuckles, fingers taped together in a makeshift splint._ She knows that pattern. Her mom talked about seeing it in the Emergency Department all the time. A boxer’s fracture. Dead giveaway that someone was in a fist fight. _Black eye. Bruise over his cheekbone. He’s been in a fight._ _His bruises are the same age as mine. Same color._

Fragments of her lost night come flooding back. 

_ It was him. He pulled Pete off of me. _

_ They had a fight. _

_ Pete was on the ground, trying to stop his nose from bleeding. _

_ “I’m telling Josh about this you little punk” _

_ “No, I’m telling Josh you piece of shit.” _

_ “This isn’t over, Blaine.” _

_ “Get the fuck out of here.” _

She looks up to see Nick watching her curiously. She sees something else in his dark eyes.

Longing? Is she imagining that?

His mouth is moving. He’s talking. She hasn’t heard a word. He’s still watching her. Waiting. She blinks rapidly. _ Jesus, June get it together. _

“I...wanted to...give this back. This is yours, right?”

Nick glances at the black hoodie. Remembering how small she had felt, how delicate. When he helped her into it. 

He finds her eyes again, nodding. 

She holds it out to him. 

He takes it. 

“You were there last night?” She continues. Trying to solidify her theory. Get confirmation. The missing pieces of her blackout swirl around, triggered by his face. 

_ She can see him now. Bent over her, helping her up. _

“_You ok?” _

_ “What happened?” _

_ “June, talk to me, what’d he do?” _

Nick’s eyes search hers. He nods tightly. 

June nods, smiling. “I’m glad you were. That was almost really bad.” 

“_You’re bleeding.” _

_ “Can you walk?” _

_ “Come with me, come on.” _

_ “I got you.” _

Nick looks at the floor. Not knowing what to say. 

June notes his coat and backpack. “Are you leaving? Want to grab dinner?”

“Brought a sandwich.”

June takes an uninvited step toward him. Blocking his path. Forcing him to connect. She looks up into his face. 

Nick rakes his hand through his dark curls. Sighing. “I’m sorry. Look. I know you’re with someone.”

June’s brow crinkles together. “Who, Luke?”

Nick’s eyes flick to hers, burning with intensity.

June smiles inwardly. _ Wow that struck a nerve. _She shakes her head. “We broke up. I broke up with him.”

Nick is shaking his head just slightly. Not understanding. 

June continues. “He said it was my fault...what happened. Pete told him I drank too much and came onto HIM. Luke believed him. He was really mad at me.”

Nick’s face changes, anger creeping across his usual blank mask. “Has Pete tried to talk to you? Since?”

She nods. “He’s texted three times today. Fucking creep.”

Nick nods, calculating something in his mind. “Look, I have a shift at the shelter. I can walk you home after. If you’re not busy. We can hang out. No one’s ever there.”

“Am I no one?” June asks playfully.

“What?” He says, looking up, confused.

“I was there. The other day. To get the cat.”

Nick blushes, smiling and looking at the floor. “I didn’t...mean it like that.” 

June is entranced. His smile is gorgeous. She realizes this is the first time she’s seen it. She feels it again. The pull. She can’t fight it this time either. She takes his hand loosely, heart fluttering when her fingers tangle with his, sparks tingling where her skin touches his. She can tell by his hitched breathing that he feels it too. 

She swallows, nodding, looking him deep in the eyes. Earnest. “Look. THANK you. I’m glad you were there.”

Nick’s face softens. Like he’s finally hearing her. He nods, accepting her gratitude.

“Me too.”

\---------------------------------

June helps Nick make his rounds at the animal shelter. He catches her staring a few times, raising an eyebrow at her. She blushes and looks away. Pretending it was the cute animals she was staring at, not him. She can tell he’s not used to attention from girls. Like maybe ever. Which is absolutely ridiculous for someone as good looking as him. It doesn’t fit. Yet another mystery.

After half an hour she’s figured out the routine and she helps him clean cages, filling food and water bowls. Working beside him seamlessly. Cutting his workload in half.

She circles back when she’s done. He’s changing a bandage on a cat’s leg. He’s murmuring to the cat reassuringly, and it doesn’t struggle. It trusts him.

June watches this for entirely too long. Unable to look away. Unable to shake the thought that this is what he would be like with kids. Not knowing what that even means. 

They finish early and Nick asks her if she wants to see something cute. June doesn’t know how much more cute her heart can take today. But she nods and follows him to the back. 

Nick is opening a small cage, pulling out an eager white puppy who’s licking and wagging as hard as it can. Nick is smiling broadly now and it’s blinding. 

“Who’s this?” June asks softly.

“This…” Nick says, rolling the puppy to it's back and rubbing it’s tummy “...is Rebel.”

June looks at him with a curious smirk. “REBEL?”

Nick nods. “Yeah. He’s a little badass.”

June shakes her head, fighting a smile. Looking at the tiny squirming puppy in Nick’s arms. _ That thing is about as far from badass as you can get. _

Nick’s watching June. Seeing that she doesn’t understand the name. “Someone threw him away. He survived alone- for two weeks just after he was born. He was supposed to die but he didn’t.”

June winces. Hating how cruel and cold people can be. 

Nick continues. Talking softly. More to himself than her. “It’s not his fault, yaknow? That no one wanted him…” His words stop. Because June is kissing him. Her lips are on his. Her hand is on his cheek. It happens before she has time to wonder if it’s a good idea. Her heart didn’t ask permission.

Nick steps closer to her to deepen the kiss and Rebel yelps, squished gently between them. Nick pulls his body away slightly to make space. June’s tangling her fingers in his hair. Deepening the kiss. Losing herself in it. _ He’s so soft. His lips. _

They hear the front door chimes and they spring apart. Chests heaving. Staring at each other, eyes wide. 

Nick clears his throat, blinking rapidly. “I should…” eyes searching hers. 

“Yeah, of course.” June says. “I’m sorry... I...”

Nick stares at her. Face unreadable but intense. He hands her the puppy and heads to the front. 

Rebel stares up at her. Breaking into a wide panting dog grin. Front feet on her chest, licking her face over and over. June laughs. “Yea. I like you too.” She puts him back in his cage and he whimpers, pawing the wire door. June sighs, kneeling by the cage. “Luke took the cat.” She tells the puppy, who tilts it’s head at her. Trying to understand. “I hate cats. The cat was his idea. I’m a dog person, myself.” Rebel barks once in approval. She smiles, touching his paw through the door, setting off a fresh round of wagging.

She heads to the front, grinning and blushing when she hears what a mess Nick is. He has to ask the person several times what brought them in. Knocks things over while getting them the form they’d asked for. 

She feels the pull again. Stronger now. Stronger every time she sees him. Painful to be even this far away. _ God, what are we doing. What is this. _

\-----------------------------

After his shift Nick walks her home. Walking his bike alongside her. They stop outside her apartment building. She turns toward him, smiling, pointing up. 

“This is me.”

Nick looks down, nodding. “I know.”

June shakes her head. Feeling stupid. “Of course you do. You’re the one who got me home last night. Sorry.”

His dark gaze is fixed on her. 

June’s smile fades. Face serious. “Thanks. Seriously. For everything.”

Nick nods. “Look, if...anyone ever bothers you or you don’t feel safe, call me, ok? Anytime.”

June smiles. “Ok.”

The air between them is charged. But they’re steps apart. And it’s all too early. It’s not a fucking movie. This is goodnight. 

June looks up, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. “See you tomorrow?”

Nick nods. “Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

June smiles. “I’m adopting that dog. You should know that. When he’s old enough."

"Yeah?" Nick asks

"Yeah." She says. Unable to stop the next part. "He’s stolen my heart.”

Nick smiles. One of the real ones. It’s beautiful.


	6. Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June can't stop thinking about kissing Nick.

June's a mess. Laying wide awake in bed. Unable to go back to sleep after an erotic dream staring a certain tall dark handsome someone from her lit class.

Her phone buzzes on her bedside table. She sits up eagerly, disappointed to see yet another text from Luke. Apologizing. Asking if they could talk. Work it out. She deletes it and returns her gaze to the ceiling. Smiling when she thinks about kissing Nick yesterday at the animal shelter. Heart racing, stomach flipping somersaults.

She finally gets up around 5am, knowing she'll never get back to sleep. She takes extra time to curl her hair, perfect her makeup, and put together her cutest outfit. Grey stockings, a green yellow and blue plaid skirt, and a black t-shirt with knee high black boots. She nods at her reflection, heading to campus. 

She arrives to her feminist lit class 40 minutes early. She watches as students file into the lecture hall, scanning stranger’s faces, looking for Nick. 

She checks her apple watch. No emails. No texts. 10 minutes until the lecture starts. She heads inside, deciding to save him a seat. 

She settles up front, in the same row where they first met. Backpack occupying the seat to her left. Checking her watch again. 2 minutes left. 

When the lecture starts June turns around, scanning the lecture hall. _ Where the fuck are you. You’re always early. _

15 minutes later she hears the double doors open and shut quietly. She spins around in her seat. It’s Nick, scanning the room, sliding into a seat in the back row, adjusting his glasses, pulling his notebook out. 

June turns back to her desk. Tapping her pen absently. Unable to concentrate. Closing her eyes, letting her mind replay their kiss the day before. She smiles as she remembers it. His lips had felt so good. So soft. It was incredible and he'd barely had time to register what was happening. He hadn’t even touched her. They were several feet apart.

Her mind wanders forward in time. Wondering what would have come next. What their next kiss would be like. June opens her eyes, breathing quickly, butterflies in her stomach, cheeks flushed. Glad no one else can see the inappropriate images in her mind. 

She knows it’s hopeless. Her mind is shot. All she can think about is him. His mouth. His eyes. His hands. Before she knows what she’s doing, she’s reaching for her phone. Leaning forward subtly, slipping her hand into her backpack. Pausing when the professor glares at her. When he looks away, she sits up, phone on her lap. 

She pulls up Nicks’ number, opens a text message. 

_ J: You ok? _

She hears his phone chime in the back of the hall. The professor pauses, scanning the room angrily, searching for the offending student. Launching into a rant about the cell phone policy in his class. June smirks. _ Note to self. Silence Nick’s phone. _She peeks over her shoulder. He’s staring at his lap, brows furrowed together. Like he’d never gotten a text before. A few seconds later, her phone vibrates.

_ N: Who is this? _

_ J: Who do you think it is? _

_ N: June? _

_ J: Yea. _

There’s a pause.

_ N: Where are you? _

_ J: Up front _

She peeks over her shoulder, smiling. He sees her and nods. She turns around. 

_ J: I saved you a seat _

_ N: I’m gonna stay here. _

_ J: :( _

_ J: Coffee after? _

_ N: No, I have work. _

He doesn’t write back after that. June feels irritation rising. This is the worst text conversation of all time. After a few minutes, she goes for it. 

_ J: Why are you being weird? I _ _ s this about last night? _

Another pause. 

_ N: What do you mean? _

_ J: You KNOW what I mean. _

_ N: I’m sorry. _

June frowns at her phone, typing quickly.

_ J: Sorry about what? _

_ N: If I overstepped. _

_ J: You didn’t... _ _ I kissed YOU. _

_ J: I LIKED it. _

Her phone vibrates quickly.

_ N: Me too. _

June stares at those two tiny words, heart racing.

_ J: I just wish we hadn’t been interrupted. _

She sets her phone down. Proud of her flirting skills. She waits but her phone doesn’t vibrate. She gives it a few minutes, then flips it over. Surprised that he still hasn’t responded. She wishes he had an iphone too. So she’d know if he’d started a message or not. But his flip phone makes that impossible. _ Note to self. Upgrade Nick’s phone ASAP. _

She glances over her shoulder, startled by the intensity of his gaze. He’s staring right at her. Eyes locked on hers. Dark, smoldering with want. Even from this far away she can see what’s on his mind. It’s the same feeling she’s been managing since last night. 

She’s pulled from her thoughts when the professor calls her out. “Ms. Osborne. The lecture is up here. Are we distracting you from something more important?”

June shakes her head, embarrassed. But something in her heart refuses to be silenced. June shakes her head again, standing and packing her things quickly. “Sorry. There’s... an emergency. I have to go.” She slips her phone and notebook into her book bag, standing and heading for the back of the lecture hall. Oblivious to everything but his attention, still focused on her. Her heart races as hurries down the aisle. _ What the fuck am I doing. _

Her heart stops. Nick is standing too, slinging his backpack over his shoulder, falling in line next to her, taking her hand and following her out the double doors and into the hallway. June’s so excited she worries she’ll pass out. Giddy. Mind buzzing with freedom. _ What the fuck are we doing. Where are we even going? _She laughs to herself. 

Nick’s crossing the hall quickly, pulling her toward a stairwell. They walk through the door into the semi-private space, dropping their bags to the floor. 

June’s courage evaporates as she turns to look at him. His stare heavy. Making her stomach twist. She folds her arms. Blowing out a breath. Not knowing how to start. Lost. Not used to starting these things. Wishing he’d do something. Say something. Anything. Luke always kissed her first. Without asking. _ Like Pete _ . She thinks with disgust. _ In retrospect, that is actually NOT a good thing. _

“Where were you?” she asks, breaking the awkward silence.

Nick smirks slowly. “In class.”

June rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean. You’re never late. You’re like a punctuality freak.”

Nick’s not listening. His eyes have wandered to her lips. 

June waits, raising her eyebrows. Growing impatient with his silence. “Alarm didn’t go off?”

Nick’s shakes his head, taking a step toward her. His mouth is only a few inches from hers. She can feel his breath, warm and sweet. The air is charged. Electric. She’s watching his eyes. Cataloging the details. Last night when she was lying in bed re-running the kiss in her mind, she couldn’t remember if they were light or dark brown. She sees now that they are a deep, rich, warm brown. Like hot chocolate or firewood or a leather jacket. Comforting. Safe. With tiny flecks of gold and green around the edges. 

“I, uh…” He swallows “...couldn’t sleep.”

June laughs. “Why?”

Nick’s expression is serious. Jaw clenching against something. Some feeling he’s trying to maintain control over. “I couldn’t stop…”

June’s stomach twists hard. She’s breathing rapidly, feeling dizzy. Light headed. Wishing he’d kiss her. End her suffering. Needing it so much it hurts. 

Nick’s steps closer yet, eyelids fluttering as he blinks, eyes finally finding hers. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

June’s kissing him. Gripping his jacket, pulling him close. His hands are on her face and he’s kissing her back and it’s incredible. Soft and urgent and sensual. She’s walking him backwards, pressing him against the wall of the stairwell. 

And that’s the moment that he snaps. Something about her taking control. Using his body for her own pleasure- turns him on beyond all words. 

Before he can think, he’s flipped them and June’s back is against the wall and he’s kissing her passionately. Pressing her into the wall. Lost in it. June whimpers softly, a needy, helpless sound.

Nick breaks the kiss, backing away suddenly. Trying to gather himself.

“Sorry.” He says. Voice raspy. 

June’s eyes open. “What?”

He searches her face. “I’m sorry. I hate- losing control. I didn’t mean to- “

“No.” She holds his face, making him look at her. “I like it. It feels good. Don’t stop.”

Nick feels the floor falling out from under him as her words sink in. He leans his hands on the wall behind her. “Yeah?” He confirms shakily. Afraid of what it means. If she feels what he feels. If those sounds were pleasure. If she wants him as much as he wants her. 

June nods, watching him with dazed eyes. “Kiss me. I want you to.” She whispers.

He’s only an inch away, transfixed, still staring at her lips. Lids low. Dilated. Chest heaving.

He touches her face, her cheek, thumb tracing her lower lip, already swollen. Dark. Like ripe fruit. He licks his lip- pushing her chin downward, forcing her mouth open before leaning in slowly, tasting her. A wave of need overwhelms him and he’s kissing her hard again, ravenously, pressing into her.

They kiss urgently- hands fumbling hungrily over thick fabric. June now moaning outright. Knees weak. Thankful that the wall is propping her up. He wants her. She can feel it. He’s painfully aroused, just like she is. She wishes they could lay down. That they were somewhere private. That she could get his clothes off. Feel his skin. Put her hands on him. All over him. The things she’d do to him. She sneaks her fingers under the edge of his shirt- feeling goosebumps rise as the fine hairs of his low back respond to her touch. 

He’d kissed girls before. But this was the most potent intoxication he’d ever felt. If drinking was anything close to this he finally understood. His dad and Josh. Why they couldn’t stop. But he knew in that moment nothing else would ever come close to this. This was it for him. The perfect drug. He was hooked. Forever. He could never forget this feeling and he would always crave it. 

The kiss slows. Nick pulls back, blinking as his eyes open slowly. Smiling when he sees his satisfaction reflected in June’s eyes. She’s watching him. Cheeks rosy, her lips now pornographically swollen. Shiny. Tempting. He leans in and kisses her again. Slowly. Thumb tracing her jaw tenderly. Biting just a little. June whimpers, hands tangling in his dark hair. 

“Let’s get out of here.” June murmurs.

Nick looks at her face, brow furrowing. “We’ve got class.”

June raises her eyebrow suggestively and bites her lip, which spikes Nick’s blood pressure through the roof and sets off another round of frantic kissing. When he gets a hold of himself, he breaks the kiss, forehead to hers, blowing out a slow centering breath through his nose. “If it was up to me I’d do this all day. It’s all I can think about.”

June’s cheeks flush again and she leans in for another kiss. But Nick steps back from the wall, picking up his backpack. Shaking his head. Trying to find the right words. “Look, I really have to just be there, pay attention- I’ve gotta keep my grades up. There are people depending on me. I can’t screw this up.” He looks at her apologetically. Eyes full of regret.

June’s stomach sinks. She feels like an asshole. She didn’t know school was that important to him. _ You’re so like...old school. Noble. _ Her heart continues, tallying up even more admirable qualities. _ Dependable. Loyal. Selfless. Controlled. Jesus Christ, you’re perfect. _She thinks. 

June picks up her bag, taking his hand. They leave the stairwell and head back to class.

They slip back into the lecture hall, sliding into seats in the back row. Nick on the right, June on the left. After he gets his notebook out and gets settled, he reaches over and holds her hand loosely, thumb rubbing tiny circles on her palm. She glances over. He’s paying attention. Eyes on the professor, writing in neat, tight sentences. _So fucking sexy. _ She tries to listen, but it’s no use. She doodles and scribbles on her notebook with her left hand. Her mind back in the stairwell.

Nick drops her hand and June looks up. Class is over. People are standing to file out of the lecture hall. Nick is smirking at the page in front of her. She glances down. It looks like something out of her middle school diary. She’d written his name over and over. Different fonts, different sizes. Nick. Nick. Nick. She’d drawn hearts and flowers around it. She shuts the notebook quickly, swallowing. “I...may need to borrow your notes. I was a little distracted.”

He nods, eyebrow quirking up as he leans over and kisses her again, thumb caressing her cheek. It’s soft this time. Sweet. Lasting and lasting. 

When they finally stop, the lecture hall is empty. 


	7. Homeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June finds out it isn't just animals Nick has a soft spot for.

Ann Arbor was beautiful in the fall. Picturesque. The campus was surrounded by brilliantly colored foliage, a seasonal background of bright oranges and crisp reds against the blue autumn sky. Leaves fell slowly, lining the walkways as students shifted from shorts and t-shirts to bright plaid flannels, scarves and knit hats. 

But fall never lasted long in Michigan. The air quickly turned colder. The trees were barren once all of the leaves had fallen. This turn from playful autumn to endless winter always filled June with melancholy. The campus became dreary, colorless and fucking freezing. Everyone started digging in, bracing themselves for months of darkness and cold. She always got homesick for Boston this time of year. Boston wasn’t any warmer but her family was there. 

But this time was different. As she got out her new Patagonia parka and heavy gloves, there was no foreboding. No ennui. This thing with Nick, whatever it was- filled her with warmth. Excitement. More than she’d felt since she left for college three and a half years ago. Everything felt fresh and new. Even as fall settled into winter. 

\------------------------------

One night June was in the back office of the animal shelter playing with Rebel. An hour before closing time she heard the front door bells chime. She checked her watch. 9pm. She wondered who’d be out animal shopping this late on a Thursday. She scooped up the puppy and crept softly down the hallway. Rebel followed her lead and kept quiet, ears cocked up. 

June glanced around. She didn’t see Nick- he was in the back cleaning kennels and it would likely take him a few minutes to clean up before coming up front. She stepped up to the desk. Someone was holding the front door open with their boot, having a smoke before coming in, letting frigid air pour in around them. 

June held the puppy tighter to her chest to keep it warm. “Can I help you?” She called out. She always felt weird stepping in with customers. She didn’t think his boss would mind, but she didn’t want to get Nick in trouble, either. 

Sometimes homeless people came by when the weather was particularly cold. Nick always let them hang out and warm up as long as they weren’t obviously drunk. Whoever this was- she hoped they’d either come in out of the cold or go away. They were letting all of the heat out. 

The person flicked a cigarette out the door and stepped inside. She was 85% percent sure it was one of the local homeless men. The tall thin one. She couldn’t tell for sure because he was bundled tightly in a knit cap and scarf. June shook her head. No. The homeless guy had a thicker coat. Knee length, brown. This guy was in a thin leather jacket. He didn’t say anything, staggering over to one of the waiting room chairs, lowering his head to his hands, breathing heavily.

June wondered briefly if she should go get Nick. At the exact same moment the stranger finally spoke. “Nick here?” 

“Yea, let me get him.” June said, turning just in time to see Nick round the corner. 

He scanned the waiting room just as she had, but recognition lit his face up almost instantly and he rushed past June quickly, all but running to embrace the man- who stood to hug him back. They held each other tightly, the man patting Nick’s back and head affectionately. _ So intimate. _ She thought. _ You just don’t see guys hug like that these days. _After a long moment Nick pulled away and busied himself taking the man’s hat and scarf, bustling around excitedly. 

June retreated to the back office. Not sure what was going on. She’d never seen Nick hug someone like that before. But it all became clear when a few minutes later Nick ushered a now-recognizable Josh into the office. _His brother. Got it. It all makes sense now. _Nick turned to head out the door. “I’m gonna get you some coffee, K?” Josh nodded. 

Nick shot June a look and she instantly picked up on the plea in his eyes. _ Watch him for me. _

“Hey! I’m June” She says, smiling. “We haven’t met but I’ve heard so much about you!” 

Josh smiled at her, eyelids low like he was really tired. Eyes pink, pupils dilated. He staggered a little while crossing the room, raking his mess of curls back out of his eyes. Finally leaning against the wall, sliding down to the floor and resting with his back against the wall. He closed his eyes, like he was taking a power nap. Then without warning, Josh laughed to himself, exhaling heavily through his nose. He started mumbling. “Are you the reason my brother’s been smiling so much lately? I knew something was up. I almost didn’t recognize him.” 

June’s cheeks burned to hear that maybe Nick felt the same way she did. She looked down briefly and suppressed a smile. When June looked up, Joshua Blaine was smirking at her. God what is it about these two and their piercing eyes. Like they’re looking right through you. He seemed amused by her reaction to this observation. Like it confirmed his suspicions.

Josh pulled out a cigarette, dropping it twice and taking a truly ridiculous amount of time to catch it in his pincer grip before slipping it between his lips. June wondered briefly if it was her place to say anything. To tell him he couldn’t smoke in here. She thought quickly. If Nick’s boss came in and the place smelled like smoke, they’d assume it was Nick. He could lose his job. 

She slipped Rebel in his cage. Luckily when she turned back, Josh was still fumbling to find his lighter.

June smiled softly and took his hand. “Come with me, we’ll go out back so you can smoke.” 

As they stood outside in the biting wind, June shivered despite her thick coat. Josh seemed resigned to the cold. Used to it. Her eyes narrowed as she looked him over, realizing he was in the same thin fall jacket she saw him in the day Serena Waterford spoke on campus. Something about this realization made her infinitely sad. Like he was a lost boy with no mother to make him put on a thicker coat. Her heart ached for Nick, too. Knowing he was in the same boat. Realizing he must miss their mom too. Even if he never mentioned it. 

June was struck by how beautiful Josh looked while smoking. Like James fucking Dean. Every movement highlighting his long fingers, soft lips. Smoke curling out of his mouth and rising slowly from his hand like a Humphrey Bogart movie. She looked away quickly, clearing her throat. _ Outdated habit. Stupid habit. Kills people. _ Nick tried not to smoke around her. She’d only seen him do it a few times. She knew she should tell him to stop. But there was some rugged allure about it that she couldn’t ignore. For some reason these brothers made smoking look good. _ Drop dead gorgeous while smoking. I wonder what else runs in the family. _

When they got back inside, Nick had hot coffee and some snacks laid out for Josh, plus a thick blanket from the back. June watched Nick fuss over his brother like a mother hen and it warmed her. Seeing this caregiver side of Nick. Seeing how relieved he looked. Like some enormous burden had been lifted.

She realized that Josh was sobering up. She remembered the day at Serena’s speech. Nick begging him to come home. He must disappear for days at a time. Show up here when he's ready to reconnect. She refilled his coffee several times. He looked steadier on his feet the more time passed. 

Nick finished up his work while Josh and June wandered the kennels and looked at the dogs. It was June’s first real impression of Josh. He asked June which one was the loneliest. June pointed out one of the older labs who’d been there for five years. People always adopted puppies. Older dogs languished. Josh approached the cage she had pointed at, talking to the grateful tennant in a soft voice. The grey muzzled black lab approached the cage door wagging thankfully. Josh smiled, gently unlocking and scooping her out of her kennel, sitting on the concrete floor, positioning her on his lap, kissing her nose, rubbing her belly and back. The whole time murmuring sweetly to her. The dog wagged and licked his face in thanks, smiling broadly. June couldn’t help watching. It was adorable. _ Soft spot for animals. Compassion must run in the family too. _

By the time Nick finished up, June had introduced Josh to Rebel and they were fast friends. Nick stood leaning in the office doorway, watching contentedly. Like everything he loved was in this room. 

June noticed that Josh was staring at her. His gaze didn't make her uncomfortable. It wasn’t lust. Not aggression. Just curiosity. Like he was trying to place her. 

Finally he started nodding, like something clicked in his head. He turned to Nick. “Is this the girl you told me about?” His words were still a little slurred but much clearer than when he first arrived. 

Nick nodded, his face grave.

Josh nods back, taking June in again. “Yeah I told the guys what happened. Pete got banned. From all the houses. Blacklisted. He can’t pledge anywhere at U of M. Thanks for telling me, man.” 

Nick swallowed and looked at the floor, nodding. Glad to hear the news. 

June smiled at Josh. “Thanks”. Glad that her near-miss wouldn’t have to be the real thing for anyone else. 

“Yeah.” He yawned deeply. “I’m glad we finally had a reason. He was an asshole anyway.” Josh said with a smirk, pulling out his pack of cigarettes. His hands much steadier. Finding it empty, he crushed it disappointedly and threw it into the trashcan like a basketball. He ran his fingers through his hair and laid back on the floor, resting the backs of his hands over his eyes to shield his eyes from the light.

\----------------------

Nick and Josh walked June home before heading back to their place. As they walked away she could hear Nick lecturing Josh about something, and Josh telling Nick he worried too much. 


	8. Fall Break

June was more uneasy with every passing day. It was the week before fall break.

They were going to be apart for 2 weeks. 14 days. It felt like an ocean of time that she couldn’t see past. She hated imagining something so big between them. 

Every day was an internal battle between logic and emotion. Logically she knew it wasn’t a big deal. _ It’s just fall break. It’ll be over in no time and we’ll be hanging out again. Get over it. You’re not even dating. _

But no amount of rationalization could stop the aching in her heart. It was lamenting and pouting like a bratty kid. Screaming at her to do something, _anything_ to prevent the separation.

June wanted to take Nick home with her. She wanted him to meet her parents. She wanted to tour him around her home town. Show him her high school and every other landmark of her childhood. She wanted to spend every second of the break with him. Talking. Laughing. Laying in her twin bed with the shitty worn out mattress and the tacky handmade quilt. She wanted to use the time to get closer to him, not further from him. 

Boston’s over 12 hours from Ann Arbor by car. She was driving that ridiculous distance instead of flying because she needed to bring back a mini fridge from her garage. She couldn’t stop thinking how fun it would be to spend those 12 hours with Nick. He could drive half the time. They could make mix cds for the trip. It would be perfect. 

Despite her growing distress, June didn’t know how to bring the topic up. She tried a few times in class but the words always died before they made it to her lips.

She wanted to ask if he had any plans. But she knew his plans. They never changed. Work. Take care of his family. Study. Repeat.

She wanted to complain about the long drive. She wanted to complain about the new luggage she’d bought. How expensive it was. How much gas she’d have to use. All the things her parents wanted her to take back with her. All of these statements sounded like bragging. They reeked of money and privilege. Things he didn’t have. So she kept quiet. 

The week ended, they said goodbye after class like it was just a normal day, and June spent the evening in bed, staring at the wall, feeling like shit. Her chest hurt. She felt like crying. _ This is so stupid. You can’t be this upset over someone who isn’t your boyfriend. We aren’t even dating. _

\--------------------------------

June stabbed absently at her asparagus. Pushing it from one side of her plate to the other. Only peripherally aware of the conversation around her. Her mom and dad hadn’t changed at all. The idea of them was always so different from the reality. She missed them so much when she was at school. Being home brought reality flooding back in vivid detail. Flaws and all. 

Her parents were nervous, neurotic people. Descended from generations of nervous, neurotic people before them. People who didn’t believe in depression or anxiety. People who shunned pharmaceuticals and counseling, living in denial and shame and self medicating with booze instead.

She had never noticed it before, but she couldn’t un-see it now. How dependent their routine was on alcohol. Nothing before 5pm. Because only alcoholics drink before 5pm. They offered her wine when she arrived. She declined. They polished off two bottles during dinner, one slowly sipped glass at a time.

Her mother told stories about difficult patients at work. Her father railed about the latest talking points from Fox News. All of this was completely unchanged from every single dinner conversation for the past 10 years. And all the while, they were oblivious to her. If she had been drinking too she wouldn't have noticed. But her parents weren't there. They were already arguing. The initial smiles and laughter replaced with irritability and slurred rage. And Fox fucking news playing in the background. Jesus Christ. 

They barely noticed when June excused herself from the table and cleared her plate. She was already desperate to pack and get back to campus so she wandered to the garage to collect her mini- fridge and get it in the car. _At least that way if I have to leave quickly, I'll have the damn fridge. Then it won't have been for nothing. _She stumbled, nearly tripping over her old childhood bike. Something inside her clicked. She felt meaning for the first time all day. Like a message. Like the bike was connected to something important.

She sat cross legged on the floor, looking it over. Her wonder woman stickers were still there from highschool. The tires were flat. She glanced around for a tire pump, and remembered then that they didn’t have one. It was like an analogy for her entire childhood. Perfect on the surface. Dysfunctional and empty underneath. Her mom had bought her a bike. But not a tire pump. Not even a helmet. She never once took her out to ride. It had been an empty gesture. A promise unfulfilled. June had wanted for nothing. She had all the best clothes and toys. But no one to play with. She'd always been alone. Just like this. Alone, living on eggshells, waiting for someone to start screaming. Choosing to be invisible and not bother anyone. 

She pulled out her wallet and used the hard edge of a credit card to scrape the wonder woman stickers off. She pulled out her phone and snapped a picture, quickly texting it to Nick. 

J: If I bring this back, can you help me fix it up?

Less than a minute later she had a response. 

N: Definitely *Thumbs Up Emoji*

June smiled widely. Nick's first emoji! She took a screenshot. 

\----------------------------------------

Later that night she lay in bed on her phone. Stalking her friends on Instagram. 

She searched for Nick on Instagram. She found hundreds of Nick Blaines, but of course not the one she was looking for. Then another thought occurred to her and she searched for Joshua Blaine instead. She found one in Ann Arbor, MI, the one she was looking for. Nick’s brother. 

He had over 200 pictures up, and she scrolled through them quickly, looking for pictures of Nick. There were none to be found. _ Of course not. He doesn’t go to parties and Josh isn’t home very often. _

She scrolls through a second time, slower. Trying to get a sense of Nick’s brother. Some clue into this important part of Nick’s life.

Josh looked happy. Popular. Surrounded by smiling friends. She quickly saw that these were all other people’s pictures. He likely didn’t have a smart phone either. Then further down, she saw more concerning pictures. People passed out in alleys. Endless pictures of liquor bottles. Weed. She couldn’t be sure what they were smoking but it had to be weed, right? More lifeless bodies, comatose. Framed by smiling blissful friends. Living their best lives.

Something about it gave her a bad feeling. She couldn’t place it. 

She set her phone down and turned toward her wall. Achingly empty. And it was only the first day. She couldn't stand it.

She picked her phone up and called Nick before she had a chance to wonder if it was a good idea.

He picked up after the second ring. “Hey!” His voice was pleasantly surprised. 

“Hi.” She responded, smiling already. Closing her eyes and rolling to her back. “How’s your break?”

Nick huffed out a laugh. “Good. How’s yours?”

She shook her head. Suddenly aware of how far apart they were. Overcome by sadness. She pushed it down. Refusing to waste this time on her own sadness. She swallowed thickly. “Can you….just stay on the line with me for a minute? I don’t feel good.”

She could practically see Nick nodding. She could hear him shifting the phone to a different hand and repositioning himself in bed. “Yeah, of course. Everything ok?”

June nodded, lip trembling. “It is now.” She said. 

\----------------------------------

They talked every night. Sometimes for half an hour. Sometimes for hours. It was the only bearable part of the break. Nick only hung up when she fell asleep. She’d wake up, ear still pressed to her phone, a rectangular imprint pressed into her face. But she loved it. It was a mark from him. A reminder of him. She’d reach up during breakfast to feel it. It was there because of Nick. It gave her the strength to survive the emotional wasteland of her home. 

\-----------------------------------------

Two weeks later June pulled up in front of Nick’s house. She’d driven straight there from Boston, going to him before she even went to her own apartment. He met her at the curb with a hug. He helped her get the bike off the rack, and assessed it as she watched. 

“Verdict?” She asked. 

Nick nodded seriously. “It’s good. We can fix it up. No problem.”

June smiled widely at this. “Good. I’m tired of making you late. This way we can get places faster.” 

Nick nodded approval. 

\-----------------------------------------

They went for a test ride an hour later. Him on his bike, her on her newly tuned up childhood bike. She talked trash about racing him and kicking his ass. Nick shrugged and picked up his pace, staying a few inches in front of June as she pedaled faster and faster in frustration. 

By the time they got back to his house, June was exhausted, muscles on fire and out of breath, drenched in sweat. They dismounted and he helped her hook the bike back to her car rack with an amused smile. 

“You got something to say?” She asked with a grin. 

He smiled and shook his head. 

June sucked in a few deep breaths. “My stamina sucks. You can say it.”

Nick shook his head. “We’ll get you in shape. Won’t take long.”

He looked at her, face softening. He pulled her in for a hug. “I missed you.” He whispered, before pulling her in for a kiss. 


	9. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guest chapter by the fabulous @benofie! Thank you so much for this part of their story!!! Please leave comments and let her know what you think.

Nick had a rare night off from work and June thought he deserved to experience a little bit of college life for a change. She had heard of a party about a block away from her apartment. Someone from her Sociology class was throwing it. House party, not Frat party. She promised Nick he didn't have to drink if he didn't want to and she wouldn't either. "Don't worry, I've learned my lesson. We can drink Coke" she had smiled at him, encouraging. Nick finally agreed.

They had walked over from June’s apartment. When they arrived, they had stopped outside the house, hand in hand, taking in the scene outside the party. It wasn’t a frat party, but there were clearly groups of frat guys scattered around the front lawn, drinking, laughing, and talking in that uncomfortably loud way that every college frat boy archetype is based on. 

June glanced at Nick. She could tell he was apprehensive to go in, but he looked at her and she smiled warmly. He smiled back, squeezed her hand, and they made their way up the walkway to the front door.

After they found a spot in the living room, over by the unused fireplace, June had left Nick to go get them drinks in the kitchen. When she walked back into the living room with their drinks, she paused, taking in the sight of her date standing on the opposite side of the room, waiting for her, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes down. He looked so uncomfortable, he wasn’t used to this, this just wasn’t his thing at all. 

June felt a pang of guilt… why had she thought this was a good idea? Why did she think this would be fun for him? She hadn’t known him long but she already knew him well enough to know he would hate everything about this. And what exactly had been her goal? To change him? Why on earth would she ever want that? She loved that he was different than typical loud, obnoxious, toxic college guys.

He perked up as soon as he saw her. June walked over to him and handed him his coke. Poor guy, he was only doing this to make her happy. He thought she wanted this. Her idea had been to try to get him to have some fun on his night off. June silently noted to herself… _ This isn’t him. And you like that about him. Don’t do this again, June... _

Still, Nick definitely made an effort, he brought up something that had been discussed in their last lit class. It sparked an interesting discussion between them and gradually, Nick began to relax a little. 

Despite the lack of alcohol consumed by either of them, something intoxicating clearly began to take over Nick after 30 minutes talking to and looking at June. Suddenly his eyes began to smolder at her and he inched closer, backing her against the fireplace hearth. 

June looked up at him, matching his smoldering gaze, biting her lip, silently pleading with him to follow whatever impulse had suddenly taken hold of him. Simultaneously they both set their drinks on the mantle behind them.

Nick leaned in and began to kiss her softly on the lips. 

June immediately began to melt into it, sliding a hand up his chest and cupping his face. 

Their kisses continued to deepen. Nick gently explored her mouth with his tongue and cupped one side of her face with his hand. 

His lips began to trail along her cheek, jawline, and finally her neck as he slowly kissed and nibbled her there. 

June was completely aroused and about to suggest they find somewhere private when her eyes parted slightly and she noticed a fuzzy figure nearby who seemed to be staring at them. June blinked a couple times, bringing the figure into focus. It was Luke. June groaned and a pit formed in her stomach. Nick stopped and looked at her, worried, "what's wrong?" 

June shook her head, irritated that their moment had been spoiled. "Nothing. Luke is staring at us. Don't look." She said quickly, keeping her hand on Nick's arm. "It's fine. Let's just go somewhere else…" June took Nick's hand and led him out of the living room.

________________

They had found some space in the kitchen and continued to talk quietly in there. After a while, Nick excused himself to use the bathroom, kissing her on the cheek as he left. June had told him she needed some air and to find her out back when he was done.

As she went out in the backyard, away from the noisy, hot crowded room, June felt relief as the cool air hit her. She looked up at the stars and sipped her Coke as she waited for Nick to join her. Suddenly she heard a voice from behind her.

"Were you cheating on me?"

June spun around, startled, then irritated as she saw Luke standing there, looking pissed. "Excuse me?"

He was drunk. She had seen him drunk enough times to recognize the signs… quick to anger, slight slur in his speech, "This guy you're with… you seem to have moved on awfully fast. We _ just _ broke up!"

June fumed. She wanted to yell but took a couple deep breaths and tried to stay calm, "I'm sorry if that hurt you, seeing us like that. But how dare you accuse me of cheating on you? You know I would never do that! I only just started seeing Nick." 

"Nick?"

"Yeah… Nick, he's Josh Blaine's brother." 

Luke paused, thinking, "the guy from the animal shelter?"

June bristled, feeling like Luke was insinuating Nick was beneath her. "The guy from my _ feminist lit _ class. The guy who saved me from being raped by _ your friend _, Pete!"

Luke looked like he'd just been slapped across the face. His shoulders slumped slightly, looking defeated. When he spoke again the edge was gone from his voice, "hey look… I'm sorry. I'm _ so _ sorry, June. I'm sorry that happened and I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I just… couldn't believe he could do that…"

"But you _ could _ believe I would lie about something like that?" There was still a bite in her tone. He was sorry, fine, but it wasn't ok. 

"I was stupid June… I was an idiot! But I miss you… God, June, I miss you so fucking much! It… it can't be too late, it just can't… this can't be over. I love you…"

Tears stung June's eyes and a lump formed in her throat, but it was more from anger than emotion. June swallowed, keeping her voice even, "I'm sorry Luke… it _ is _ too late. It's over."

Just then, Nick walked in, proving his timing was perfect along with everything else about him. 

Nick walked up to June and looked at her, concerned, placing a hand gently on her arm, "you ok?" He glanced briefly at Luke, but his primary concern was June.

June was still staring icy daggers at Luke. Then she closed her eyes and let out a slow breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. The tension in her shoulders relaxed and she opened her eyes, turning a kinder gaze toward Nick, "I'm fine. Let's get out of here…" 

June slipped her hand in Nick's and led him back into the house. Nick and Luke exchanged an uncomfortable glance but neither said anything as Nick and June left.

________________

They walked slowly back to June's apartment, hand in hand, but in silence for several minutes. 

"You sure you're ok?" Nick finally asked.

"I'm fine." June said quietly. 

"Did he say something that upset you?"

"He asked if I cheated on him. Then he apologized for being a jerk about Pete. Wants another chance. Said he loves me. It wasn't what he said. _ He _ just… bugs me…"

Nick was quiet. Something was nagging at him but he worried this was the worst time to ask her about it even though it was _ very _ relevant. He swallowed and said, "can I ask you something?"

June looked at him, "of course, you can ask me anything…"

"I don't want to upset you…"

"What is it?"

Nick paused briefly. "Am I a… a rebound for you?"

June might've been insulted by the question if Nick hadn't sounded so… what? Sweet? Lost? It truly sounded like he was doubting himself more than her. It was kind of endearing, actually. Nevertheless, June asked, "do you _ feel _ like a rebound?"

"No… I'm just... not sure why you're...with me..."

"What?" June asked, genuinely stunned, she could instantly think of about a hundred reasons why she wanted to be with him, "Nick…" she started.

Nick cut her off, "no, let me explain…" then he fell silent, thinking, like he was having trouble finding the right words. June waited. Finally he said, "the first time I saw you I thought…" he trailed off again, like whatever momentary courage he’d found had vanished as soon as he began to speak. 

Now June needed to know, she squeezed his hand, trying to encourage him and coaxed him gently, "what?" hoping to give him his courage back.

Nick looked at her and then glanced down at the ground in front of him, as if bracing himself, "...I thought...you were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. And now you're my girlfriend. And I'm just...not used to things actually working out for me like this…" Nick trailed off but this time it was anticipatory, waiting for her to say something. When she didn’t, he glanced over at her, nervously.

June was looking at him, a small smile on her lips.

“What?” He asked.

“You just called me your girlfriend...”

Nick blushed, looking down again. “Sorry… it just came out.”

“No, it's ok.” June looked at him tenderly, he looked back at her and she smiled warmly, “...It sounds right.”

Arriving back at June’s, they stood silently for a few minutes, standing close, gazing at each other. The moment was tender, comfortable. 

Nick curled her hair around her ear, then traced tiny, light circles over her jaw with his thumb, his gaze was so soft, it took June’s breath away. She lightly gripped the lapels of his shearling coat, matching his soft gaze. 

Finally June said, very gently, “you’re not a rebound, Nick.” She waited a couple beats and then said, “You’re the guy I wish I’d met first...” then she leaned in and kissed him soft and full on the lips, still gripping his coat and holding him close. Before Nick even fully registered what was happening, June broke away gently, smiling, her eyes shining and happy, “goodnight…”

“Goodnight…” Nick said, not even realizing that he was smiling back, deliriously happy, as he watched her walk to her door. He waited until she was safely inside before finally turning away and starting his long walk back. Nick barely felt his feet hit the ground as he walked home in a cloud of utter bliss, unable to wipe the smile off of his face.

________________

After that night, they were inseparable. Nick didn't have time for traditional dating so June found ways to be with him, all the time. She memorized his schedule and met him after his classes whenever she could. She liked bringing him things like coffee and sodas and sandwiches she’d made. Sometimes they only had the time it took to walk from one of his classes to another, but they made the most of it. Sometimes they walked next to a dense wooded area and Nick would pull her in, stealing a kiss as he pinned her against one of the trees. Sometimes they would just talk, June would ask him about his classes or he would ask about her day. The only hard part was when they had to part again when Nick had to go back to class. A quick kiss goodbye would quickly become another longer kiss, then another and another before June was giggling and pushing Nick away, playfully, “Go! You’re going to be late!”

On Mondays and Wednesdays there was an hour long break between two of Nick's classes which was the only window of time when Nick was actually free. June started to maximize that hour in every way she could think of. She would pack some lunch for both of them on those days and they would find a cozy spot somewhere pretty, grassy, shady, and private where they could sit and eat and talk. Nick would usually sit with his back up against a tree and June would sit with her back up against him. 

One day, June wanted to make something special for Nick for lunch, figuring he might be getting tired of the usual PB&J or ham and cheese. Her mom had taught her a great recipe for tuna fish salad. She would chop up some fennel and mix it in and June had always loved it. She mixed it together that morning, toasted the bread, and wrapped a couple sandwiches in some wax paper. Then she threw in a couple bags of chips and sodas for their lunch and threw it all in her backpack before she headed out for the day. She was meeting Nick in 30 minutes outside his Psych class so the tuna should keep fine until then. 

As Nick came out of the lecture hall, his face lit up when he saw her, a big, bright smile spreading across his face. He stepped close to her and kissed her once, very gently, June smiled, “hi…” she said softly.

“Hey…” he leaned in to kiss her again. Then June laced her fingers through his and leaned into him as they started walking. _ God _, seeing this guy made her so happy. June honestly couldn’t remember the last time someone had made her feel this way. She was grinning like an idiot and felt like she was floating as they walked toward the shady, grassy area where they loved to sit and eat their lunch. 

As they sat down June said, “I have a surprise for you…”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah… I made you something different for lunch today…” she had a goofy grin on her face as she opened her backpack and started to take out their lunch. Sitting across from him, she handed him his sandwich, chips, and soda.

Nick shook his head as he began to unwrap his sandwich, “you’re too good to me…” 

He finished unwrapping the wax paper and paused, looking at the sandwich June had made him. 

“It’s tuna!” June said proudly, “it’s my mom’s recipe, l always loved it when I was growing up. Try it!” she beamed at him.

Nick took a bite and started chewing but something seemed off. It was like he was forcing himself to chew and when he swallowed he closed his eyes, like it was the most difficult bite of food he'd ever eaten in his life. 

June’s face fell, hurt, "what's wrong? Does it taste bad? Is the mayonnaise spoiled? I just bought it a week ago…"

"No… it's fine…" Nick took another bite, a bit smaller this time and once again, chewing the bite seemed to be a laborious process for him. June was staring at him, mortified. 

Suddenly Nick started to chuckle, mid-swallow and said, shaking his head, "I'm sorry… I fucking hate tuna…" he looked at her apologetically, fighting back the laughter threatening to burst out of him.

June’s jaw dropped, "Nick! And you ate it anyway? Why didn't you tell me?" June couldn't tell if she was still hurt, angry, or amused by this.

"I'm sorry…you were just so excited..." Nick wrapped what remained of his sandwich back in the wax paper and set it down, scooting closer to her on the grass. June's jaw was clenched, staring straight in front of her, but the small, tight smile on her face told him she wasn't that mad. 

"Thank you for making me lunch." Nick brushed her hair behind her ear and leaned in to kiss the soft skin next to it and then trailed kisses along her cheek.

"No!" June pulled away from him, Nick looked worried. "You stink of tuna…" June said, giving him a mischievous side look.

Nick laughed and pushed her, playfully, back onto the grass, "is _ that _ so? Whose fault is that, huh?" 

He started peppering her face with kisses as June squealed. He finally found her lips and his kisses slowed, the mood shifting away from playful as their kisses began to deepen. June reached behind his head, running her fingers through his hair.

Finally they broke apart and June asked, “so... maybe I should stick to PB&J?”

“How about next time I make _ you _ lunch?”

June giggled, “deal...”

________________

In the evenings, June would join Nick at the animal shelter. Sometimes she would bring her own homework to study while Nick worked. Or sometimes she would help him with cleaning the cages and taking care of the animals. 

They always carved out some special time to play with Rebel. He loved June. They had developed a routine. As soon as Rebel saw June from his kennel, he would start to bark and pant, pawing at the grate on his cage. He would only calm down once June opened his cage and scooped him out, holding him close and letting him lick her all over her neck and face as she laughed. Nick never tired of watching them bond and June never saw him smile and laugh quite so hard as when he watched her with the puppy.

A couple weeks after the house party, Nick walked June home after his shift ended at the animal shelter. They had walked in comfortable silence, fingers laced together and hands swinging gently between them. 

They arrived back at June’s apartment and stood out front, hands clasped, facing each other, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes, as they’d grown accustomed, knowing they needed to part soon, and both reluctant to be the first to break the spell and say goodnight. 

Finally, June broke the silence, “look, I’ve been meaning to apologize to you…”

“For what?”

“For the other night… for taking you to that party.”

“You mean Luke?”

“No… I just know that isn’t your thing. And I want you to know that’s totally ok. I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t like or don’t want to do. I lo…” June quickly corrected herself, “I like you just as you are...” she laughed, “I know that sounds cheesy but…”

Suddenly Nick kissed her. Quickly and fully, pressing his full body against her and cupping her cheek with his hand. 

It had happened so fast and surprised June which made her smile into his kisses at first but then she was kissing him back, matching his fervor, gripping the lapels of his coat, pulling him closer. 

Their bodies were moving together, almost like they were already in bed. And suddenly, that was exactly where June wanted them to be. Their kisses gradually slowed and they parted only slightly, foreheads touching, both panting.

June asked, breathless, “do you want to come in?” Her heart was pounding. She wanted him so much. Tonight could be the night. She was ready. Who was she kidding? She had been ready in that stairwell. 

June leaned in and kissed him again lightly on the lips then trailed kisses along his cheek, jaw, and finally his neck. She gently nibbled on the soft skin there, teasing his flesh with her tongue, her hands resting gently on his chest. She could feel his heart racing too. 

And then suddenly she felt him tense and pull away from her slightly. 

June pulled back, “what is it?” Searching his face. 

He was still panting from their kisses but he looked... scared. 

_ Why? What happened? _

“I'm sorry, I should go…” Nick said suddenly, “I have an early day tomorrow…”

June knew she wasn't hiding her disappointment at all. He knows what "coming in" means, right? She's not sure she's ever had a guy turn her down for that particular invitation. And never before had she wanted a guy to take her up on it so badly. “Nick… is something wrong?”

“No, nothing… I had a great time tonight. Goodnight.” He leaned in to kiss her softly on the cheek, then he took a couple steps backward, smiling at her, before turning and walking away. 

Leaving June alone, feeling oddly rejected and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @benofie not only for dreaming up and writing this fantastic chapter, but for always supporting me, and always providing honest feedback. It's not everyone that can give constructive criticism in a way that feels genuine but also kind, but you nail it. Looking forward to reading more of your stories here and in GOT! <3


	10. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick withdraws even further. It isn't like him. 
> 
> June needs answers.

June checks her watch again. 10:30am. 

She narrows her eyes, scanning the lecture hall for the second time. Still not seeing him anywhere. _ Where the hell are you? _

She was in their usual spot at the back of the room. It was the right class, feminist literature. Today was important. It was the final review session and exam. The review was from 8-12 and the exam was at 1pm.

_ Something’s wrong. This isn’t like you. _

She pulls out her phone and texts Nick, trying to keep it light. 

_ J: Is this about the tuna fish sandwich? I’m SORRY! I won’t do it again I promise! _

She waits for several minutes but there’s no response. 

_ J: Everything ok? I’m getting really worried! Please call me. _

Nothing. No response. 

June shakes her head, frowning at her phone. _ Did he oversleep? If he’d overslept the text would have woken him up. Is he sick? If he was sick he’d be writing back. He would have told me. _

She tries to ignore the pit in her stomach. The one telling her she should have known better, that all guys are the same. Replaying the previous night over and over in her mind. _ Why didn’t he stay? Doesn’t he want me? _It’s the same petulant child’s voice from Fall Break. The one that wants him so badly it hurts.

June clears her mind. Switching into action mode. 

_ Fuck that. Something’s wrong. Maybe he needs help. _

She stands quickly, packing her things and leaving the lecture hall as quietly as she can. 

\------------------------------------

June heads across campus to Eddie’s. Marching in like she owns the place. It’s so early that there aren’t any customers. No staff up front either. It’s completely empty. June walks into the staff locker room in the back and checks the schedule. His name isn’t there today. He isn’t scheduled next week either. _ Because he took the week off for final exams. _

Next she bikes to the animal shelter, same thing. No Nick. She stops to give Rebel some treats and take a cuddle break. But even that doesn’t soothe the gnawing fear in her stomach.

By the time she gets to Nick’s house she’s fuming. Because it’s easier to be mad than scared or sad. _ If you’re going to break up with me just fucking do it, asshole. Grow a pair. _

She lays her bike down on his lawn and strides up the walkway quickly, pulling the screen door open and knocking loudly on the main door. She waits less than a minute, knocking again, louder. 

Nothing. No response. 

_ Where the fuck are you. _

She feels a pull. She can’t leave. _ Something’s wrong. _She twists the doorknob. It’s unlocked. She pushes the door open slowly, listening. She steps into the entryway.

It's the first time she’d been inside his place. It was small but clean. Neat. No light though. All of the blinds were drawn, giving the space an otherworldly feeling. Like it was shut off from everything. A household in mourning. 

Then she heard it. Retching. Someone puking violently. It sounded horrible. Like there was nothing left to vomit despite the dry heaves. 

June froze. _ I should go. _

She shook her head. _ No. Fuck that. Maybe he’s really sick. Someone’s really sick. _

She slips her shoes off, setting them by the front door and padding quietly down the hallway toward the back bedrooms. The sounds get louder. Violent heaving, and another voice. Nick’s voice. 

June pauses and moves slowly to peek inside the hallway bathroom. Josh is wrapped around the toilet, heaving. Nick’s holding his hair, rubbing his back. “It’s ok. It’s almost over.”

Nick’s head snaps up when he senses movement in the hallway. He twists around and stares back at June. His face is completely unreadable. 

June’s anger vanishes. Instantly replaced with concern. 

This round of vomiting seems to be over. Josh is breathing heavily, going limp in Nick's arms.

Nick turns back, helping Josh lean against the bathroom wall, wiping his face with a wet washcloth.

What June sees then makes her blood run cold. Josh’s skin is so pale. White. Like sheet-of-paper-white. He’s drenched in sweat, his face contorted in pain. Dark circles under his eyes. His cheeks are sunken in, his lips are dry and cracked. 

Nick finds Josh’s eyes, says he’ll be right back. Josh isn’t listening, he’s moaning incoherently and wincing as he holds his side. 

Nick pushes past June, heading for the kitchen. 

“Hey, how can I help?” She calls out behind him. 

Nick doesn’t stop, moving around the kitchen quickly. Getting a glass, filling it with water from the tap, getting a canister of gatorade powder from the pantry and measuring spoon fulls into the glass, stirring quickly. 

“Nick.” She tries again. 

He shakes his head, setting the glass down. His eyes squeeze shut and he grips the countertop hard with both hands, lips pressed together. 

“Talk to me. Please.” She begs, tears springing to her eyes. 

_So much pain in this house. So much suffering._ _I see it now. All of it. Silence is the last thing either of you need right now. _

June crosses the kitchen, putting her hand over his. His eyes open, and he stares at that point of contact.

After a beat, he looks up at her, eyes full of such deep pain that it makes her want to cry. She gathers up his fingers, interlacing them with hers and giving his hand a squeeze. After a moment, Nick sighs and squeezes back. “He’s really sick.” He says softly.

June nods understandingly, stepping closer. Listening with her whole being. 

Nick nods. Continuing. Words pouring out of him. “This is the worst I’ve seen him. He’s been like this all night. The pain is new. Something else is wrong. It's not just a hangover. But he won’t let me take him to the doctor. We had a big fight about it. He wouldn’t let me take him. We don’t have health insurance so…” His eyes clench shut and he shuts down. Shaking his head silently. 

June pulls Nick into a hug. “It’s ok” she whispers, rubbing his back. Nick breathes deeply, softening into her. Letting her hold him. Breath warm against her neck. Finally wrapping his arms around her waist and hugging her back. Holding onto her like a life raft. She’s again overcome with the image of the lost boys. Motherless and fending for themselves. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” She asks softly. Trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. This isn't about her.

Nick pulls back, shaking his head like he doesn’t understand what she’s asking. 

June sees it clearly in that moment. She finally understands.

Nick doesn’t know how to ask for help. There’s never been anyone to help him, so he’d never thought to ask. 

June softens her face, smiling gently. “We’ve got finals today.”

Nick's face sinks. Like he’s asking her why she would remind him of something he can’t change. 

“You need to go and take your test.” She says, nodding. It’s a factual statement, not a question. 

Nick blinks. Face blank. Not understanding. His eyes narrow. “What about you?” He says. 

June shakes her head. “It’s just an elective for me. I can fail one class. No big deal.” 

Nick looks irritated at this idea. 

June laughs. “I didn’t pay attention to a single word the entire time. I was too busy thinking about you. That was my feminist rebellion. Falling in love with you. That’s all I got out of that class. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.” This gets a smirk from Nick. He shrugs, knowing she’s right. Even if she took the test she was going to fail it. 

June sees him listening to her. The groundwork is laid, now she just needs to present her proposal. “I’ll stay with Josh.” 

Nick’s eyes snap to hers, searching her face. She sees him thinking quickly. Running through various scenarios. 

“You worked too hard to throw it all away. If you were gonna fail that class anyway, we should have used that time to make out in the stairwell. That’s like hours of prime makeout time we wasted.” Nick rolls his eyes and his smirk widens. He looks at the floor to hide it, but he knows she’s right. 

“You’ve gotta keep your grades up. For your scholarship. You can’t throw three and a half years of work away. You need to graduate and get a good job so you can get health insurance and get Josh the help he needs. Doctors cost money. Counselors, meds, rehab- they cost money. You can’t get him the help he needs if you quit now.”

That seems to flip a switch in Nick’s mind. Making some decision for him. If this was for Josh, he could do it. He finally had a reason. 

Nick nods, swallowing. “Let me, uh, check him real quick, maybe we can get him in bed.” He says. 

Between the two of them, they’re able to get Josh up on his feet, at which point he starts swearing and shoving Nick away hard. He spits at him. “Fuck you. Get off me.” He slurs, stumbling out of the bathroom and down the hall. Nick wipes his face, expression controlled. 

They help Josh sit on the bed, take his shoes off and pull the blanket up over him. “Fuck off” he mutters again before settling back down on his side. 

June hands Nick his backpack. “Go. I’ll be here. I’ve got this. I’ll watch him.”

Nick stares at June. Deeply thankful. He pulls June into a quick tight hug, kissing her cheek. Eyes conveying endless thanks. He grabs his bag and heads out the door. 

\-----------------------------------------

June watches TV for a few hours. Quietly. So she can keep an ear out for Josh. He moans periodically, sometimes snoring. No more puking so far. She positions a trashcan next to the bed just in case. Around dinner time something changes. She’s not sure what. 

She stands and walks down the hallway toward the back bedroom. There’s just some feeling. Some sixth sense. Telling her to check. 

She pushes the bedroom door open slowly. _ It’s too quiet. _

June approaches the bed. _ He’s too still. _She touches his arm gently. “Josh?” No response. She shakes his arm harder. Nothing. She rolls him over to his back, mouth falling open, eyes widening in horror when she sees that he’s not breathing. 


	11. Critical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is in the ICU. Nick hasn't left his bedside.  
June tries to convince him to go home and get some rest.

June watches the steel elevator doors close- wishing someone else could push the button for the 10th floor.

But it’s 2am. Hospital visiting hours are long since over. She’s alone, balancing scalding cafeteria coffee in each hand. The cardboard cups are too flimsy to hold against her chest, so she decides to push the button with her elbow, moving slowly to avoid spilling the acrid liquid.

She can already tell from the smell that it’s horrible. Acidic, too strong. Probably been on the burner for hours._ If this is all doctors get in the middle of the night, no wonder they’re so fucking grumpy. But Starbucks doesn’t open until 6am, so this'll have to do._ _Not like he’s gonna drink it anyway. He hasn’t even moved since he got here. He doesn’t give a shit about the coffee. It doesn’t matter if it sucks. It’s just a gesture. Because what the fuck else can I do. This is out of our hands now._

The metal doors slide apart- pulling June from her thoughts and back into hell. 

The rest of the hospital may be dormant, but the ICU never sleeps. There is no rest here. This is where people come to die. 

Her eyes are drawn to the flurry of activity to her right. A crowd of white coats and blue scrubs surround a hospital bed. One of the male nurses is doing CPR on the lifeless body of an older man with wide unblinking eyes. The line on his monitor is flat. June’s seen enough episodes of ER to know what that means. Two doctors in sterile gowns are inserting a central line into the man’s neck. Their gloves are covered in blood. 

_ I’m staring. I shouldn’t be watching this. _She lowers her gaze, focusing on her footsteps on the floor. Recently waxed, reflecting the bright fluorescent lights overhead. Blinding light above and below. Sterile. Clean. Bright. 

Her stomach twists when she approaches the middle of the unit. She can already smell it, even above the burned coffee. 

She made a perfume once, at Bath and Body works. She picked out all of the individual oils and combined them in a jar. She could still smell each separate component in the mixture. It was like this, but instead of noticing sandalwood and vanilla, it’s piss. Shit. Vomit. Bleach. Decay. It’s the sweet note of rot that makes her stomach twist. No amount of disinfectant can cover it. She swallows, walking quicker. 

But as she passes the room the perfume of death emanates from, she can’t help looking. At the dead man. The nurses say he’s been there for 6 months. Just like this. No one has visited him. Not once. He was in an accident and now he’s braindead. His bloated obese body has tubes coming out of every hole. The ventilator tube in his mouth pumps air to make his chest rise and fall. The nasal tube drains his stomach. The feeding tube pierces directly through his abdominal wall. The rectal tube collects his waste. The catheter drains his urine into a clear bag hanging from his bed. 

_ If he’s dead he should be in the ground. _ She thinks. _ He’s dead but they won’t let him decompose. If he were in the ground, these tubes would be vines. He could be growing vines with pretty flowers instead of lying here hooked to all of these bags. _

Her eyes rise to the dead man’s metal IV pole, covered with plastic bags of every color. The big tan one is food. TPN. She learned that word today. Because Josh has that on his IV pole too. That’s how they feed you when your gut shuts down. 

She swallows, looking away, heart aching for the man. _ They should let him go if he isn’t going to come back. This isn’t life. This is just prolonging death. _

She finally gets to the end of the hallway. Nick is exactly where she left him. Chair pulled up next to the bedside, holding Josh’s hand in both of his. 

Josh’s chest rises and falls, inflated by the ventilator. His face is almost unrecognizable. Swollen, pale, with a breathing tube in his mouth, and a smaller tube in his nose. To drain his stomach they said. Because his guts aren’t working. 

Her eyes follow the tubes to Josh’s IV pole. It has even more bags than the dead man down the hall. Food. Medicine to keep his blood pressure up. Antibiotics because he was septic. Sedatives because he would fight and pull out the tubes if he was awake. 

Insulin.….(and June had to ask the doctors about this twice)…because he has diabetes now. He drank so much that his pancreas got inflamed and shut down. Pancreatitis. That’s what had caused the pain. Nick was right. It wasn’t just a hangover. His liver shut down too. It’s failed so badly that he needs a liver transplant. But alcoholics aren’t offered liver transplants until they’ve been clean for a year. So there are two scenarios. Never drink again and get better. Or keep drinking and die. 

June blinks and looks back at Nick. His eyes haven’t moved. They’re glazed over, fixed on some spot on the bed. Deep wrinkle between his brows. 

She sets the coffees down on the bedside table and pulls a chair up next to him. She puts her hand over his. 

Nick blinks, shaking his head. Speaking softly. “I wish...I should have taken him... earlier. I knew something was wrong.”

June nods. _ I know. You’ve said that. That’s the only thing you’ve said for the past 72 hours. Over and over like a guilt mantra. _

“I got coffee…”

Nothing. 

“Let me take you home. Get some rest, a change of clothes.”

No response. 

“They’re taking good care of him, Nick. They said he’s stable.” Her eyes trace over the innumerable bags again. _Multi system organ failure._ _This is NOT stable. They just mean not actively dying at this moment. Is what they mean. _

June turns to Nick. He doesn’t look good either. Maybe it’s the flourescent lights, but his skin is pale. It’s dark under his eyes. _ You need to eat something, get some sleep. You can’t just sit here another day. You’re gonna crash soon and it would be better if it happens when you’re home. Josh isn’t going anywhere, he’s as stable as he’s gonna be. Making yourself sick isn’t gonna help anyone. _June steels herself. Deciding to open things up. It’s not gonna be pretty.

“It’s not your fault…”

Nick glares at her. The aggression in his eyes makes her flinch. He’s never looked at her like that. She swallows, glad to finally have his attention. Trying to remind herself that the hate isn’t aimed at her. He’s blaming himself. For all of this. 

“Look this whole thing…. You can’t fix it by yourself. It’s too big. It’s gonna take a team. Months. This crisis moment could actually be a second chance. A new start.”

“I was going to take the test.” Nick interrupts.

“What?” Her eyes search his, not following. 

“He was a little better. I was going to take the test. If I had...if I had gone, he’d be dead right now. He would have died. Alone. Because of me.”

He shuts down again. Head in his hands. Jaw clenched, muscles tensed. More closed off than when she'd come back to the room. Going in the wrong direction.

June reaches over, touching Nick’s shoulder. Trying to bridge the chasm she felt growing between them. “But...he didn’t. He’s ok.”

Nick shakes his head, exhaling slowly through his nose. After a beat he whispers “He's notok.”

June pauses, eyes shut. _Shut up June you’re making it worse._ _He’s not mad at you. He’s mad at himself. _She pulls a deep breath. 

“Listen. He can go to rehab from here.”

Nick scoffs. “He’ll never agree to that.”

“Look. It’s not up to him. He can’t make his own decisions right now. You’re his next of kin. You can make that call. Save his life, ok?”

Nick shakes his head, shoulders softening. Looking relieved at the idea of not having to take Josh home anytime soon. June wonders how many times before he’s nursed him back to health just to watch him jump back into the quicksand. _Addiction is the slowest form of suicide. Killing the addict and torturing the people who love them._

She takes his hand and stands, tugging slightly, urging him to come with her.

When Nick’s eyes meet hers, his face changes. He sees that she isn’t asking him to forgive himself. She’s letting him feel whatever he feels. She cares. She’s trying to help.

His anger fades, leaving exhaustion in it's wake. He’s too tired to fight her. He does need sleep. He stands, dropping a kiss on Josh’s forehead and getting his coat. 


	12. Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June calls Nick's bluff.

**June**

Cold November rain pelts the window of the Uber. They ride in silence from the hospital to Nick’s house. The clock on the dashboard reads 3:05am. June feels her eyelids growing heavy. Nick stares unblinking out the window, sleep nowhere in sight. 

When they pull up on Nick’s street, the whole block is pitch black. No streetlights. No porch lights. No stars. Just darkness. 

They run from the car to his porch to get out of the rain, shoes getting soaked in inch deep water pooled on his walkway. Her bike is still lying in his yard where she left it earlier. 

There’s a note taped to his front door. June pulls it off while Nick pulls out his keys. 

_ Power’s out. _

_ Staying with Mark. _

_ -Dad _

She feels Nick reading over her shoulder and stuffs the note in her pocket and turns to him, needing to connect. Something about the darkness doesn’t sit well. He’s pulled out his phone and is scrolling through his contacts. 

“It’s 3am, you’ll wake him up.” June says with a smirk. 

Nick shakes his head. “I know what time it is.” Tone uncharacteristically cold.

June’s face falls. She grabs Nick’s phone, staring at the number he’s pulled up. _ Yellow Cab. _

She smiles, teeth chattering, pulling her arms in to conserve heat. “Yeah you’re right. Let’s go back to my place instead. We can get out of these wet clothes and warm up. My roommate hasn’t texted, I’m pretty sure I have power....” her words die on her lips as she reads his face: shut down. Closed off. Lips pressed together, staring at his feet. Frozen. 

June takes a step toward him, reaching for his hand, tangling her fingers with his, hoping the touch will help him relax. His fingers hang lifeless in hers. 

He swallows thickly. “You should go.”

June shakes her head, not understanding. “What are you doing?” she whispers.

“You need to go, June.” He repeats, softly, still avoiding her eyes. It’s final. Not open for discussion.

For a moment she doesn’t speak. Re-running his words. Searching for some hidden meaning. Something to keep her above the hurt. _ You want to be alone. I get it. But you shouldn’t be alone right now. Ask me to come in. I’ll help. I’ll take care of you. You’re always taking care of everyone else. Who takes care of you? _

His eyes remain fixed on the ground. Every passing second of silence is more painful. Like rejection. Anger creeps into her heart, a merciful sedative. _ What the fuck, Nick. Is this whole fucking thing in my head? Are you breaking up with me? _Once the thought is there, she can’t shake it. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same about her. Maybe he’s trying to find the words to break it off before he leads her on any further. She realizes she doesn’t know anything about him. 

She tries to block out the nonsensical thoughts, but they hurt so badly she can barely breathe. She hears the logical part of her mind rationalizing. Trying to gently reassure her. But it only makes it worse._ He wants to be alone. Leave him alone. He just needs rest. He needs privacy. To process everything that happened. To get ready for his exams next week. You need to go, June. _

She bites the inside of her cheek hard to keep herself from crumbling. _ Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry. _She turns quickly, dropping his hand, marching out into the rain to get her bike. 

“Where are you going?” He calls behind her, suddenly concerned. 

“Home.” _ I have to get out of here. _ She’s already sobbing silently. So angry at herself. At him. Angry because the sadness is too big. She picks up her bike and walks it quickly to the street, pausing to get her bearings. It’s disorienting, impossible to see in the driving rain and pitch black. She pauses, clenching her eyes shut. Admittedly not looking forward to the ride home. Scared. Trembling. Cold and humiliated and confused and angry and heartbroken. _ God, I’m so fucking stupid. _

But his hands are on her arm, stopping her. She startles and her bike clatters loudly to the ground. She shoves him off her hard. “Stop!” 

Nick backs away, eyes wide, not understanding her reaction. “The fuck are you doing?”

June shakes her head in disbelief. “Leaving! You don’t fucking want me here, so I’m leaving.” 

He’s shaking his head as the energy spirals into a full blown shouting match on his front lawn. “It’s the middle of the fucking night, June-”

“I know what time it is.” She mutters.

She’s picked up her bike and is walking it down the middle of his street as he follows behind her, talking more in that moment than he has the whole time they’ve been dating. “Are you fucking serious? It’s too dangerous! June!” 

She raises the kick stand, slinging her leg over the seat, mounting up to leave in earnest, eyes having adjusted to the dark enough to see the vague outline of the road. June is more angry than she’s ever been, but she smiles inwardly at his escalating protests. Glad she’s finally gotten a reaction out of him. _ Fuck you, asshole. _

_ \------------------------------------- _

**Nick**

Nick stares out the window of the uber, clenching his jaw against the rising tide of despair and fatigue. Trying to stave it off until he can get a few minutes alone._ This isn't real. None of it's real. Josh isn’t dying. He can’t be. I can’t lose anyone else. You can’t fucking die, Josh, you just can’t. _

When he saw his dad’s note he was relieved. He wasn’t ready to tell him about Josh yet. He felt his eyelids growing heavy. He pulled out his phone to get June a ride home. His house would be freezing. She was soaked. He had to get her home safe, his dad had taken the car. 

Then she was back out in the rain. He blinked, not understanding. She was getting her bike. What the actual fuck. 

He was walking behind her, telling her to come in out of the rain. She was leaving. Panic gripped his heart at the image of her alone on the streets at night. He started seeing flashes, memories of the night outside the frat house. He walked quicker. Admittedly irritated at her stubbornness. 

She mounted up and he was running. He pulled her off her bike and into a tight hug. She was hitting him, but then she was clinging to him and crying. And he was kissing her. Saying everything he couldn’t with words. That he’s sorry. Sorry that it’s all such a mess, that everything is so broken and fucked up. Telling her that she is the only good thing he has. The only peace in his chaos. The only light in his darkness. 

Then she’s kissing him back. She’s coming back to him. And it feels like relief. Bliss. He needs it so much he can’t breathe, and he can’t get close enough to her. 

He hears himself whispering to her when they break apart to breathe. Asking her not to go. Asking her to come inside. 

She’s staring up at him. Face wet with tears and rain. 

\------------------------------------------

**June**

It was so quiet, she wasn’t sure he’d said it. 

She looks up at him, face just inches from hers, his eyes storming with emotion. She sees in that moment that he’s fucking terrified. Trying to decide how to voice what he’s feeling. Whether he should at all. She sees walls rising again. 

She kisses his lips softly, stroking his cheek. Encouraging him. Reminding him that she’s there. That it’s ok. That he’s not alone. Refusing to let him withdraw again. 

“Please don’t go.” He whispers again, squeezing her hand. She stares up at him, rain running off her face. He stares back. Like he’d just asked her for something impossible. Something too big to request. Eyes bracing for rejection.

June grips his hand tighter, nodding. She picks her bike up and leads him out of the storm.


	13. Burning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The spark is rekindled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guest chapter by the incredible @vellaword. Make sure you leave comments and let her know what you think!

As soon as Nick and June got inside the house, he set to work. The mood had shifted. His first goal was comfort, and a pitch black house wouldn’t do. So with a lingering kiss and a squeeze of her hands, Nick murmured against her ear before disappearing, “be right back.”

June took a moment to catch her breath. Her heart was pounding in her chest.

_ Is this really happening? Is he finally letting me in? _

She looked around the dark living room and willed her jellified legs to move toward what looked like the hall. The first room she stumbled across was the bathroom, so she slipped inside to freshen up. Turning on her phone’s flashlight, she propped it up on the sink and examined her reflection. She was a mess— hair mussed and weighed down by rain, mascara running, her clothes damp and uncomfortable. June sighed. There wasn’t much she can do, but with a little water and soap she tried to at least minimize the raccoon-eyed look. Nick didn’t need to see her like that while he was—

Her stomach dropped at the thought of what they were about to do. She braced herself with hands on the sink, exhaled slowly.

_ Stop overthinking it, June. Just let whatever happens tonight, happen. _

She ran her fingers through her hair to fix it somewhat, then removed her wet jacket. Turned her body and craned her neck to check herself out from behind in the mirror. Then – feeling as ready as she was possibly going to get – she turned off her phone’s light and opened the door.

In the hallway, June could see a soft glow coming from a single room. Nick’s room. She went toward it like a moth to a flame. When she pushed open the door, he was in the middle of lighting tealights in mason jars. They met each other’s eyes for the briefest second, and there was electricity.

June draped her wet jacket over a desk chair and took in Nick’s bedroom as he worked.

_ His room. _

She had never been in here before, but every single part of it felt familiar. It felt like _Nick_. June took in the knick-knacks, the trophies, the books. His neatly made bed. His homework sprawled out on the desk. She paused at some of the family photos, her heart racing as she recognized a younger, more carefree Nick. A whole, happy family. That’s what he used to have.

June felt her heart catch in her throat as she thought of his family now. Josh lying motionless on the hospital bed. Their father a constant empty space in the room. And Nick— poor Nick, trying his hardest to hold it all together at any cost.

“June.”

The sound of her name on his lips gave her goosebumps. Pulling herself away from the past, she faced the present.

Nick was looking at her the same way he did in the rain, but this time she could see his eyes smoldering in the candlelight. He’d lit up the room just enough, and with the rain pattering outside the atmosphere of his little bedroom felt endearingly romantic.

“Are you cold?”

She was, because the heat wasn’t working. But inside she was on fire.

“I’m fi—” June cleared her throat, “I’m fine.”

They stared at each other across the dancing shadows.

_ I want to reach out and touch him. I want to be with him in every way a person could. I want— _

“Can I take off my wet clothes?” she said the words before she even had the chance to think about them. The butterflies in her belly were growing restless. Nick nodded, barely.

With trembling fingers, June unbuttoned her jeans and eased them down her legs. He turned his gaze away to the wall behind her, cheeks burning. As if on instinct, he made a move to leave her to her privacy until she stopped him.

“Nick.”

He turned to look at June, rain-soaked and standing in his bedroom without pants on. But he was looking at her eyes. There was something in them, something burning within him as well.

_ Maybe he really does want me as badly as I want him. _

“I want you to stay,” she said in a low voice.

Nick took her in, her white shirt clinging to every curve, translucent enough for him to make out the lines of her bra. He swallowed, fingers flexing, but couldn’t bring himself to move. So she stepped closer and took his hands, guided them to the hem of her shirt. Giving him permission.

Nick swallowed and traced the edge of the wet cotton. He peeled it off her skin tentatively, revealing her inch by inch— the freckles on her stomach, a navel that he circled with his thumb. June lifted her arms so he could pull the shirt over her head. He loved the way her messy hair framed her face. She looked at him through her lashes, making him feel naked while still clothed.

As if June realized this, she helped Nick’s shirt off as well. Then she pulled him down for a kiss.

It was slow, a tentative mingling of tongues. Different from their last kisses, but bearing the same growing intensity. Two bodies coming together for the first time, exploring, feeling. Hands mapping wet skin. Fingertips finding new curves. Her ribs. His shoulders. Then June ran her fingers through the trail of soft hair on his belly that disappeared behind his waistband, prompting him to break their kisses to suck in a breath. She unbuttoned his trousers and tugged them down until they fell to the floor, then unhooked her damp bra.

_ It’s  _ really _ happening. _

June kept her breasts covered with one arm, nervousness rolling through her in waves. She had done this plenty of times before, with other men. She had the experience. And yet, as those deep, brown pools watched her, all she felt was flustered.

Nick felt the same way, though it was harder to tell when he was looking at her like that. But she could feel his apprehension in the quake of his fingers as he began to trace them up and down the back of her arm. June sighed at the contact. She felt her guard dropping, and her arm too. He didn’t move right away like she expected. Instead Nick continued to explore her body with shy hands, following the curve of a breast, then they wrapped around her waist to pull her closer as he began to kiss the side of her neck.

“Is this okay?” he asked. 

“Yes,” June leaned into him, needing him, her bare chest pressing against his own as he found a sensitive spot behind her ear.

Guiding Nick toward the bed, June fell onto it and pulled him down with her. He trailed a pilgrimage of kisses down her neck and timidly cupped her breasts, feeling the way her nipples hardened against his palm as he caressed them. He took note of each sound she made, what touches would make her arch and gasp. He wanted to learn everything that she liked.

Because he didn’t have a clue what he was doing.

“June,” he murmured between kisses, but she didn’t hear him, so he took pause to look at her.

“Don’t stop,” she gasped breathlessly.

“I have to tell you something.”

“No,” she shook her head, her hands urgent against his back, “wait ‘til after.”

“_June_.”

There was a gravity in his voice that brought her to her senses. June blinked her eyes open, looking at him directly.

“Wh— what’s wrong?”

A beat.

“I’ve never done this before.”

She stared at him for a minute, making sense of what he was saying. “What?” she said softly, with incredulity. If it wasn’t for the way he averted his eyes and shifted uncomfortably, she wouldn’t have believed that someone as sweet and good looking as  _ Nick Blaine _ made it this far into college without a  _ single  _ hookup.

_ Of course he’s telling the truth. That’s why he avoided this, even when I pushed for it. I’m his first. _

“Okay,” she cupped Nick’s face with her hand, meeting his eyes. Matching the sincerity in them. “It’s okay.”

June gently removed his glasses and folded them up, placing them on his bedside stand so he wouldn’t lose them. She could see his face even more clearly now— the way his expression softened as he took her reaction into consideration. Then she kissed him, long and slow. Encouraging him with her mouth instead of her words. Telling him one thing.

_ I want you. _

He carried on, lips trailing their way down her body, a little more confident now as he crossed the planes of her stomach and brushed over her damp panties. June gasped, lifting her hips so he could pull the last of her clothing away.

She was fully naked before him, and Nick drank her in with his eyes. His hand came to rest on her knee, but he hesitated, “are you sure?”

“_Yes_,” June groaned, her body aching with the need to be touched, legs parting on their own accord. Nick could scarcely breathe, fingers skimming the soft inside of her thigh as they made their way to her center. When he finally touched her she gasped out his name. She could feel the unsurety in his movements as he explored the wetness between her legs. Her hand took his to guide him, showing him how to touch her. 

“Does that feel good?” he murmured, stroking her clit like she wanted. June struggled to nod. She was pretty sure she had never been this turned on in her life, or at least until Nick shifted to duck his head between her legs and kiss her center. Then her eyes rolled back, her hips jumping at the contact.

“Is this alright?” Nick breathed against her, thumbs parting her inner lips so he could taste her with his tongue.

“_Nick_,” she panted as her fists clenched his bedsheets beneath her, wrinkling them, “stop _asking._”

That was a warning worth heeding.

His ministrations were inexperienced, but eager. He liked the way she tasted, the way she trembled against his mouth. He liked the noises she made even more. That was all June needed. Her hands came to the sides of his head to guide him, tilting him until his tongue was centered in her most sensitive place. “Right there,” she gasped.

He was a fast learner. Nick’s hands lightly rubbed the backs of her thighs and then grasped her hips as he shifted forward to work her clit with the flat of his tongue. Her fingers gripped his hair, pulling him closer, the knot in her belly growing tighter. He heard her breathlessly whisper  _ fuck  _ in a way that made him suddenly very aware of how hard he was, how desperately he needed to to hear more of these sounds he could coax out of her.

When June came against his mouth, her thighs clamped down on his head and he felt her whole body shudder beneath him. “_Oh_,” was all she was able to sigh, unable to form words, and Nick didn’t stop with his tongue until the tremors eased and he felt her hands pushing his head away.

He looked up at her from between her legs. June was flushed in the cheeks and short of breath, and she was never more beautiful than now. He straightened himself over her body and kissed her deeply. June could taste herself on his lips. He was lost in her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer. Nick reached down to push his underwear off his hips, his hard length pressing against her. Now, she was even more wet than before.

June grasped his cock in her hand and he hissed air through his teeth at the contact. She was in awe of the weight of him in her palm. But Nick was unbearably aroused, so when she swiped her thumb over the beads of precum at the tip, he jerked his hips away in an effort to keep from finishing then and there.

She brought her lips to his ear. “I want you inside me.”

Nick’s breath hitched in his chest. She guided him to her entrance. He could feel the heat of her. Bracing himself on his hands, he sank inside, his eyes fluttering closed as June enveloped him completely. She sighed at the feeling of their bodies becoming one for the first time and wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his staggered breathing against her damp skin as he adjusted.

He moved slowly at first, finding the right angle, the right rhythm. He was so new at this that it was a bit awkward for him, but when he pulled back to meet June’s eyes and saw the way she was burning for him, it began to come more naturally. Nick stopped thinking about it so much. He kissed her, setting his speed. It felt good. Everything felt good.

June’s legs tightened around his waist and she tilted her hips in a way that set her whole body alight each time he thrusted into her. She could tell Nick wouldn’t last much longer, so she pressed her fingertips against his back encouragingly, following his lead, feeling the snap of his pelvis against hers. He wanted to go on – to make this feeling last forever – but his body moved of its own accord. Nick came _hard_, his back muscles stretched taut beneath her hands and his gasps giving way to her name on his lips.

June pulled him down for a kiss as her second orgasm hit her low in the belly and extended to every nerve in her body. Nick groaned into her mouth as her inner walls clenched all around him. He’d never felt anything like this. The connection, the sensations— it was all so overwhelming.

They simply held each other, breathing heavily as they were coming down from their high. Nick gazed down at June with reverence, and she could see boundless love in his eyes. She cupped his head in her hands and stroked her fingers through his wet curls fondly. She wanted to tell him he was perfect. She wanted to tell him he was beautiful. She wanted to tell him she loved him.

He wanted to do the same.

_ It’s not time yet. _

June’s body gave an involuntary shiver as her temperature began to return to normal, and that broke the spell.

“You’re cold.” It wasn’t a question this time. “The heat will probably be out all night… I should get you home.”

“No,” June said without hesitation, “I’m staying here. With you.”

Nick looked at her. He could tell she wouldn’t change her mind tonight even if he tried. Despite himself, he loved how stubborn she was sometimes. It made him want to kiss her again.

It took another minute for Nick to finally untangle himself from June, fighting their bodies’ need for closeness. She quickly untucked his sheets and slipped into his bed, feeling the comfy cotton against her bare skin. Breathing in his scent from his pillow. She watched him quickly pad naked out of the bedroom, and when he came back he was carrying a mountain of blankets in his arms. June was laughing as he dumped them on her, her blonde head peeking out from under the pile and a hand reaching for him.

“Get in here with me.”

Nick joined her, pressing the length of his spent, naked body against her backside as he spooned her beneath the blanket pile. June sighed, feeling the weight of his arms around her, the lingering tingle of the pleasure he gave her. The heat from his body trapped in the small space. Nick dropped gentle kisses against the nape of her neck and she thought about how she had never been as happy as she was in this moment with him.

Tomorrow would be a new day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to @vellaword for writing this beautiful moment for them. It was perfection. ❤️🔥👌🏻🕯 And thanks for all the inspiration and support. And for not letting me rage delete chapter 12. Can’t wait to see what you write next!


	14. Afterglow

Nick blinks, waking up slowly on his stomach. He can tell he kicked the covers off because the back half of his body is freezing. But that isn’t what woke him up. It’s the fingertips tracing the long muscles of his back. Soft, warm fingers tracing up and down, parallel to his spine. 

He smirks as flashes of the previous night rush through his mind. _ Rain. Candles. June. Us. Together. Finally. _He props up on an elbow to glance to his right, confirming his suspicions. _ June stayed over. She’s in my bed. I’m waking up next to her. _His heart seizes, overwhelmed with gratitude, but the scene is blurry. He reaches across her to grab his glasses from the bedside table, slipping them on. Smiling as the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen comes into focus. June Osborne, lying on her side, naked, uncovered, like she’d just laid down. Her blonde hair perfectly disarrayed on his pillow- smudged mascara creating a perfect smoky halo around her blue eyes. Skin glowing without her usual makeup. 

“Hey.” She whispers.

“Hey” he whispers back. And he’s staring at the way her mouth quirks into a smile when she hears his voice. And he’s leaning to kiss it. The corner of her mouth. And her cheek, and her lips. And he’s pulling her to his chest and kissing her outright. He can’t stop._ She tastes like apricots._

June’s smiling and kissing him back, hands gently cupping his cheeks. When the kiss finally slows, she’s tracing his chin and jaw with her index finger, her face serious. Like she’s trying to map him. Understand him. He smiles to see it, following her eyes with his. 

“Did I wake you?” she whispers, blue eyes flicking up to his. 

“It’s ok” he murmurs. “I don’t mind.” Nick shivers as a chill runs through him. The blankets are on a pile on the floor. He reaches to the bottom of the bed, pulling the thin white sheet up to his chest. 

He lays on his back, indulging a deep stretch and yawn before clasping his hands behind his head and letting his eyes close again. He becomes aware of a very intense silence and cracks one eye open to glance over at June. She has an eyebrow quirked up suggestively and is staring at his waist. He follows her gaze, cheeks burning when he sees the tented fabric she’s staring at. He quickly grabs his pillow, covering himself and rolling to his side.

June’s eyes trace up his body, finding his, burning with a mix of lust and affection. She nods approvingly. 

Nick clears his throat. Quickly forgetting his embarrassment as he starts tracing her arm with his fingertips. She has freckles on her forearm too. Light brown ones that match the ones framing her eyes. His fingers wander higher, to the skin of her bicep, which is right next to her breast. He traces absently, as fascinated with her body as she is with his.

“I have something to tell you too.” June says. 

Nick freezes, full attention on her face. So used to bad news and unhappy endings that he knows this must be the other shoe dropping. 

His reaction isn’t what she was expecting, and she shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing bad. It’s just something you should know.”

Nick swallows and nods. Wishing she’d get to her point. Nervous energy rolling his stomach along with the hunger he was trying to ignore.

“Well now it’s built up too much and I feel weird…” June says, looking down and blushing. 

Nick takes her hand, lacing his fingers with hers and rubbing circles on her palm with his thumb. The contact feels good. Familiar. He smiles reassuringly. Encouraging her.

“I’m on the pill.” June says softly. 

Nick’s face blanches as he realizes he didn’t even think of birth control last night. Apparently reading his mind, June squeezes his hand. “No, it’s ok. Ok?” He nods, swallowing thickly, chastising himself silently. 

June continues. Voice even quieter now. “So… if we ever… decide to do that again…” 

Nick feels all of the blood in his body rush south into what was already a painful morning erection. He swallows thickly, his face serious. The energy in the room has changed. It’s charged. Heavy. Electrified. 

June keeps talking, quieter yet. “I like being on top. You should know that too.” 

Nick is nodding earnestly. Committing this precious secret to memory. June covers her face with both hands, shaking her head. "God, I’m sorry. I liked what you did last night, I don’t know why I said that, I’m so sorry.” She looks at him apologetically, eyes searching his, face softening as the distance becomes unbearable.

They move at the same time. Nick is reaching for her hands, sitting up, scooting so his back is against the headboard of his tiny bed as June climbs onto his lap. She settles and they sit there, still. Him tucking her hair behind her ears, her staring at his mouth, and they can feel their connection through the thin white sheet between them. And they remember everything. 

_ And it aches. _

They’re gazing at each other’s faces as if for the first time. She gently lifts his glasses off his face, placing them on the bedside table without taking her eyes off his.

She traces his lip. The border between the dry skin of the outer lip and the soft moist skin within. Pulling downward with her thumb pad, watching that transition point catch against the ridges of her fingerprint and rebound once released.

June blinks, coming out of her thoughts. Eyes darker now. Lids lower. She reaches down, taking Nick’s hands and placing them on her hips.

Then she rocks her hips gently. Her cleft split apart by his hardness. Nick’s hands tighten under hers and his breath catches in his throat. He can feel her heat on him again, but now he knows this is just a tease. He knows how perfect she feels around him and his cock throbs with need for her. 

June keeps guiding him, showing him how to touch her. She pulls on his hands with hers, showing him what she wants. 

When he begins pulling her hips on his own, she puts her hands on his face, kissing him gently, thumb tracing his chin and jawline. The rhythm is good and friction burns against the bulge beneath her. Nick pulls back from the kiss with lidded eyes, taking in this goddess on his lap. Her slender curves are backlit by the sun from his window. 

June slows her movements and Nick is seconds from flipping her to her back and pushing inside her and moving, fucking her as hard as he can. He presses his lips together, trying to clear his mind, trying to let her be in control. Knowing the restraint will be worth it. _ I need to know what she likes. She’s trying to show me. _

She dismounts, standing beside his bed, pulling the white bedsheet down slowly. Off his chest, over his abdomen to his mid thigh, exposing his aching erection to the chilly morning air. 

Nick watches as June climbs back over his lap, staying up on her knees. 

She reaches between them, taking his fullness in her hand, shifting to move her entrance over top of him. Her breaths are coming fast now. She puts her hands back on his shoulders, holding his gaze, watching his face with wild, needy eyes.

Nick puts his hands on her hips, like she showed him. He squeezes the soft flesh, kneading her curves, actions guided by instinct now. 

He pulls down gently. She smiles and sinks only slightly, open mouth against his, making him work for it. Nick is pulling her hips down harder now, begging her to end his torment, his face a mask of lust. His breaths are shuddering as he forces her hips down onto his waiting manhood, and they’re gasping as they come together perfectly. When he’s fully sheathed, they sit still, chests heaving.

He’s blinking heavily, eyelids fluttering. She touches his face and kisses his forehead. 

He looks up, dazed eyes trying to focus on her. It had been so different in the dark. Safer. Less intimate. The morning light leaves nowhere to hide.

Holding his gaze, she bites her bottom lip and rolls her hips- the exact same motion she’d used before when there was fabric between them. Now he’s inside her and he can feel _ everything _. The heat, the moisture, the ridges of her inner walls, and it’s too fucking much. Too good. 

June drinks in the cascade of pleasure on his face. “You feel good Nick.” She breathes with a smile. 

His eyes find hers. “Yeah?” Anxious for feedback. Needing reassurance. 

She nods. “Yeah.” 

“I’m not hurting you?” He clarifies.

June laughs, bright and beautiful, shaking her head. 

Nick swallows, nods. “Is it ok for you?” He asks quickly, voice dark and husky.

June nods, smiling lovingly. “Is it ok for _ you _?” She asks gently- tracing his lower lip with her thumb again before kissing him gently. 

She’s moving more regularly now. Pulsing her hips rhythmically against his, squeezing him inside her each time.

Against his better judgement he starts moving with her. Pressing up into her at the peak of each thrust. Heart beating painfully hard in his chest. He tries not to stare at her nipples, hard and duskier now, like her lips. Inches from his mouth. 

June whimpers with pleasure and he stops moving abruptly, petrified that he’s hurting her. _ Because those sounds...those delicious sounds can’t be pleasure. They have to be discomfort. _

“You ok?” he grinds out, using every ounce of will power to remain still. 

June’s shaking her head, unable to form words. Nick starts to panic that he was right. 

But June kisses him hard and whispers against his lips, begging him not to stop. He searches her face with dark needy eyes, double checking, impossibly turned on by the expression he finds on her face. 

He pulls her into a hard greedy kiss, his tongue dancing with hers. Thrusting now, rocking up into her. June feels the change in his confidence and whimpers with each thrust and it wrecks him, making his desire so much worse, spreading goosebumps across his burning skin, as he drops frenzied open mouthed kisses across her shoulder. He kisses across her chest and takes her right nipple into his mouth, sucking softly. 

June’s fingers are in his hair, pulling him closer to her chest. Her cries grow louder as she loses herself in his arms, overwhelmed by his hunger for her. She clings to his shoulders, letting him set the pace. He’s holding her hips, moving her on him in earnest now and it feels like heaven. The aching pressure in his low belly has grown and the lower half of his body is on fire.

Nick feels something else take over. Something bigger than either of them. Something that syncs their hips in a perfect rhythm together. He looks at June again to see if she feels it too. Her eyes are closed and she’s moaning loudly, brokenly. A gorgeous flush spreading across her cheeks and chest. His face feels hot too, and he can feel a drop of sweat run down the back of his neck. 

June starts rocking her hips again, grinding down against him. Chasing something. Feverish. Losing control. He watches in awe, unable to do anything but stare as she comes apart.

Her progress seems to stall a bit and she whimpers needily. The sound cuts him to the bone. 

He pulls her closer, forehead to hers, nuzzling her, telling her it’s ok, reassurances and praise falling out of his mouth reflexively. Instinctively comforting her, peppering her face with tiny soft kisses. Telling her she’s perfect. That she feels so good. 

He shifts, slipping his hand between them gently, moving his thumb to her clit like she showed him the night before and providing pressure at just the right spot. 

June keens gratefully, speeding her hips greedily and murmuring his name, gripping his shoulders harder. Nick leans back, supporting their weight on his left hand, making space for her to rock her clit against his thumb with each roll of her hips.

He closes his eyes, blanking his mind. Somehow knowing he can’t be too present right now. That it could all be over too quickly. He tries to detach, to be outside himself. 

But June’s nails are digging into his biceps and she’s calling his name. He opens his eyes and she’s staring into him, dazed and begging, needing him there with her. He can’t take his eyes off her. 

The intimacy of the eye contact breaks June. Her brow clenches and her cries spiral as she loses her rhythm. All of her muscles tighten and she’s loud and animalistic and she comes all around him, sobbing his name, clenching him so tight. It’s too much. Nick is falling into her too. He moans helplessly “I’m gonna...Oh God...” pulling her face to his, kissing her desperately, moaning into it, needy, high pitched crescendoing sounds he’d never made before, rocking his hips into her fast and hard, hard, hard. Heat spreads through his body as he goes silent and rigid, trembling, gripping the bedsheet so hard his knuckles turn white. He keeps his eyes clenched shut. His mouth is open against hers and he finally sucks in a breath. Tears stinging his eyes, totally overwhelmed by the most intense pleasure he’d ever felt.

June’s comforting him now, holding his face, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids. He rests his forehead on her shoulder, totally wrecked. Panting. June’s combing through his hair, holding his pounding heart right next to hers. 

When Nick opens his eyes minutes later he feels like a year has passed. Everything’s softer. Slower. 

Except her. She’s clearer. Crisper. She’s the only thing in focus. 

June’s blue eyes, blinking as she watches him with just a hint of a smile. Grey blue like the ocean after a storm. Flecks of gold around the edges. The freckles underneath them so crisp and clear. She’s looking back at him with the same dazed blissful expression he feels on his own face. Like something had changed forever.

He’s suddenly incredibly exhausted. He falls to the bed on his back next to her.

“You ok?” He asks, turning over onto his side, reaching for her hand, twining their fingers together. Relieved by the contact. Like it was necessary now. Because they were bonded. They were one. 

June rolls to her side too, facing him, the same sleepy smile on her face. She nods. 

Nick smiles, looking away. “Sorry. I didn’t want to finish then. I wanted to keep going…”

June’s shaking her head, “No, that was...amazing. That was…” She finds his eyes, needing him to hear her. “It’s never been that good. With anyone. Ever.” She waits a beat and says it again for emphasis. “EVER.”

Nick looks away, embarrassed, like he didn’t believe her. June’s trying to find the words. How do you tell someone that every awkward grope-fest before this was child’s play and what they did was a religious experience. 

She’s playing with his hair absently, staring at him, awe struck. “You went down on me....without being asked...and LIKED it.”

She stares at him, eyebrows up to demonstrate the gravity of this fact. Nick shrugs. Not understanding what he shouldn’t like about it. She tastes sweeter down there. Sweeter than apricots. Earthier. He shivers remembering it. 

“You made me come three times. You’re like...the perfect lover.” 

Nick is blushing hard at this point, rolling his eyes, clearing his throat. Still extremely uncomfortable.

June sees this and shakes her head, pulling his chin up so he has to look at her, tracing his cheek again with her finger tips. Her voice soft with wonder. “Where have you been?”

Nick pulls her on top of him, wrapping his arms around her back. Silencing her embarrassing stream of compliments with a slow sensuous kiss, sliding his hands up her sides until they find her face. He holds her tenderly until the kiss slows.

He pulls his lips away from hers finally- smiling as he tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear. Looking at her with more love than she’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. 

“Looking for you.”


	15. Aftercare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guest chapter by my darling @thismidnight. Please leave her comments and let her know what you thought!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> June takes stock of Nick’s needs and helps the best she can.

Later that morning, June wakes up covered in sweat, buried under the mountain of heavy blankets. They’d piled them back on the bed before falling asleep, still needing them to fend off the cold November air. She blinks heavily as she sits up, pushing the blankets off of her, her skin pebbling as it meets the cooler air of the room. The flashing red numbers on Nick’s alarm clock confirm what her body temperature already told her as she looks around.

_ Power’s back. _

She yawns and looks down at Nick, sleeping soundly curled on his side with two blankets pulled up close around his chin. They’d fallen asleep together, but at some point in the few hours since, they’d drifted apart. 

She smiles as she watches Nick, deep asleep despite the beads of sweat forming along his hairline. She pulls some of the blankets off of him and tosses them to the foot of the bed before she runs her fingers lightly through his dark curls to see if he’ll wake. He doesn’t— the exhaustion from too many sleepless nights too much for her touch to overcome.

Carefully, she crawls out of bed, rescuing her clothes from the floor. She pulls her panties back on but scowls when she realizes her shirt is still damp from the rain. She’s about to pull it on anyway when a stack of shirts draped over the back of Nick’s desk chair catches her eye. She picks one up off the top, a faded navy cotton shirt emblazoned with the golden yellow Michigan M on the front. She runs her fingers over the cracked paint of the logo, imagining Nick as a bright-eyed freshman, knowing he was spending too much money for this shirt in the campus bookstore but buying it anyway, allowing himself to feel the smallest amount of pride in himself and his school.

She pulls it on over her head, dropping her own shirt back on the ground, somehow knowing he won’t mind her wearing his. 

June creeps out of Nick’s bedroom and into the living room, finding her bag on the couch where she’d tossed it the night before, digging her phone out so she can check the time. 10:17 AM. She sighs as she slides her phone back in her bag, combing her hair back through her fingers as she looks around the living room. It’s tidy but in need of dusting. The furniture looks like it hasn’t been used in years except for an old beige recliner in the corner; the leather cracked, discolored and permanently distorted in the seat. She hasn’t met Nick’s father, but she imagines that’s who resides there when he’s present. Pictures on the wall show a family of four, all smiles, but Nick never mentions his mother. June doesn’t know what happened or where she is, but her presence still lingers like a ghost in the air and on the walls. 

_ Wherever she is, no one’s ready to let her go yet. _

It’s a house, but not a home. Not anymore, at least. It hasn’t been for a long time.

She closes her eyes to gather herself as she tries to plan her next move. What can she do to help? 

She remembers when her grandmother almost died of pneumonia the winter before she left for college. Food just showed up at the house. Pizzas, casseroles, sandwiches. Baskets of fruit. All of it a relief, especially when they could barely remember to feed themselves between phone calls and hospital visits. 

She blinks her eyes back open, pulling her phone back out of her purse as she heads into the kitchen, opening Instacart as she pulls the pantry open, taking stock of the nearly empty shelves.

_ Food. I’ll start with food. _

* * *

An hour later, someone drops off her groceries. She’d ordered what she thought was enough to fill the fridge and pantry for three people for several days, along with the essentials she’d needed to make breakfast. 

Twenty minutes after that, she’s scrambling eggs on one burner while bacon sizzles next to it. Coffee drips slowly in the coffee maker, life breathed into the small kitchen as she buzzes around it. Once the food is done, she finds two plates and fills them both with eggs, bacon, and toast. 

She’s pulling open every drawer trying to find the silverware when she hears Nick’s bedroom door squeak as it opens. She stops and looks up as he pads barefoot into the living room. He’s pulled on a pair of plaid boxers and a plain white undershirt but he hasn’t put his glasses on yet so he’s squinting as he blinks heavily, trying to get his bearings. He yawns as he runs one hand under the collar of his shirt, scratching his shoulder absently before he stretches both arms above his head. 

“Morning,” June calls out to him and he turns his head in her direction, his eyes still squinted as the hint of a smile crosses his lips, like he can’t quite believe she’s there. He nods as he makes his way into the kitchen, sighing deeply through his nose. He’s quieter than usual when he first wakes up. June files this fact away. She watches as he takes in the plates of food set out on the counter, the coffee already prepared in the pot. His face changes into something unreadable, his head shaking slightly.

“Who made this?” 

June almost thinks he’s kidding, and she’s about to joke back when she catches herself, taking in his furrowed brow and tilted head. 

_ He’s not joking. _

Her heart breaks as the image of a motherless little boy comes into clear focus in front of her, his hair matted on the side from sleep, wondering aloud who would ever consider making breakfast for him. 

She swallows hard as she realizes that she might be the first person to have made a meal for Nick in years. Suddenly, she’s overcome with the desire to do more than just make him breakfast. She sees now just what he’s needed for so long but not been able to ask for as he carried the world on his shoulders. _ Support_. Just one person he could count on. She reaches out and takes his hand, tangling her fingers with his.

“I did,” she answers softly, rubbing her thumb on the back of his hand. “I ordered groceries too.”

Nick shakes his head again, not understanding. The thought of help so foreign to him that she might as well be speaking another language. She presses on, needing him to understand she’s here for him.

“It should be enough for about a week. I got a lot of frozen stuff since that’ll be easy and you have finals.” Nick looks back down at the plates of food, lost somewhere in his own mind. She squeezes his hand and he looks back up at her, his eyes swimming with gratitude.

“I hope that’s okay.” She smiles softly at him and he swallows hard as he nods. He looks like he wants to say something but she doesn’t need him to. He can thank her later. Right now she’s content just knowing she’s able to help him. She leans in and kisses him softly, a reassurance. _ I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. _

“Now where’s the silverware?”

* * *

After breakfast and two cups of coffee, Nick wakes up. And when he wakes up he’s all business, ready to go back to the hospital, eager to check up on Josh. 

“I figure we can go after we’re done with the dishes,” Nick says as he drops his plate into the plastic drying rack on the counter. He picks up the pan June had cooked the eggs in and starts scrubbing.

“Why don’t we go later?” June suggests as she scrapes the burnt ends of her bacon off her plate and into the trash. She looks up in time to catch Nick’s jaw clench as he scrubs the pan in front of him a little harder. He doesn’t want to go later. He wants to go now. She drops her plate in the sink next to him and leans her hip against the counter.

“I called the hospital and checked on him. I said I was your sister so they’d talk to me,” she says with a smirk, watching as a matching smile crosses Nick’s face as he continues to scrub circles on the frying pan in the sink. He’s listening and receptive.

“They want to take his breathing tube out this evening.” 

June hears a loud crash as Nick drops the frying pan, suds and water splashing them both. He’s turned to her, his eyes wide and panicked. Terrified. Assuming the worst.

_ Shit_. 

Immediately, June dives headfirst into repair mode. 

“Oh God, Nick. I’m so sorry. I should have—” she starts stumbling over her words as she quickly turns the hot water off, taking the sponge from Nick’s frozen hand and setting it down. She swallows, trying to make her voice clear and calm. “Josh is _fine._ He’s okay. He’s doing much better. They want to take it out because they think he’s ready to breathe on his own. He’s _ better_.” 

Nick’s eyes search hers, and he starts to loosen up slightly, nodding, exhaling sharply, the wave of terror receding, releasing him from its iron grip. June takes his hand and squeezes, bringing him back to her.

“But they have to keep him sedated until then, so there’s no point to be there right now. I told them to call me if anything changes. I thought we could go to the library and study for a few hours. Isn’t your Civil Engineering final on Tuesday?”

He nods as he looks up, his eyelids fluttering closed, trying to keep himself composed. 

“But we can go right to the hospital if you want,” June concedes, suddenly feeling like shit for making any assumptions about what he’d want to do. It’s not her brother in the hospital, it’s his. And while she would welcome the distraction, maybe that’s not what he wants. 

“No,” Nick says quickly, clearing his throat, looking down at June. “We should go study. It’s a good idea.” He’s quiet for a moment as he worries his bottom lip with his teeth. “Thank you,” he finally manages. “I’m… I don’t usually—”

“I know,” June whispers as she presses herself against his body, folding herself into him. She doesn’t need an explanation, she just needs him to know that she’s trying to help. His arms snake around her as he sighs contentedly. 

June’s eyes close. “It’s okay. You’re welcome.” 

She holds him like that for what feels like not long enough, savoring the warmth and solidity of his body until finally, she kisses his chest and pulls away. “Why don’t you go shower and then we can go?”

Nick’s eyes dart to the unfinished dishes in the sink and she shakes her head. “I’ll finish. Go.”

And with one nod he quickly disappears down the hallway and into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. She shakes her head as she flips the faucet back on, making quick work of the rest of the dishes as her brain races. _ I upset him. I put my fucking foot in my mouth and made him think his brother was dying. I was just trying to make things better and somehow I made them worse. _

Her thoughts continue swirling around her in a storm of guilt and admonishment. But dwelling on her mistakes only amplifies her desire to be near him, to fix what she’d broken and make him feel better. 

She bites her lip as she finds a dish towel to dry her hands with. She looks at the bathroom door he’d left open and listens to the sound of the running water from the shower. 

Her eyes close suddenly as she leans back against the kitchen counter, heart racing as memories of the night before rush through her. _ His skin so soft against mine. His shaky breaths warm on my neck. His perfect lips worshiping my body. His skillful fingers setting all of my nerves on fire. The way my legs fit around him. The way our bodies moved together in the darkness, electrified. _

She forces her eyes open to stop the flood of images, already undeniably aroused. Her breathing is quickened and the familiar ache has returned to her pelvis. The one she gets when she thinks about being with Nick. 

It takes every ounce of her willpower not march down the hallway, push the bathroom door open and join him under the hot water of the shower. _ I know he wouldn’t mind, but I’ve already fucked up once today by making assumptions about what he wants. I can’t do that again. _

So she resists her selfish desires, choosing instead to give him the alone time he needs to decompress.

While he showers, she gets dressed, folds the mountain of blankets in Nick’s room, and makes them both peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Getting as much prepared as she can so that when Nick’s ready, they can head out.

She’s taken a break to text her roommate about what books she’ll be needing to come by and pick up when the shower stops. She finishes the message and tucks her phone away just in time to look up as Nick enters his room, wearing the same white shirt and boxers he’d come to breakfast in. He stops just inside the doorway and she smiles at him as he sniffs and runs his towel over his head before tossing it unceremoniously into a laundry basket in the corner. Immediately, her eyes are drawn to his hair, his dark curls even more pronounced as droplets of water drip off them and down his face and neck. 

And then she notices his puffy face and red eyes.

Her heart breaks for him all over again.

She looks away, pretending not to notice, allowing him some privacy. She retrieves his glasses from where he’d left them on the nightstand, wordlessly crossing the room, pushing the dark frames up over his ears and onto the bridge of his nose. 

Nick blinks as his world comes into focus, taking a deep shuddery breath as his hands find her waist, his fingers pressing into her skin, holding her close. She smiles as she takes a step towards him.

“Feel better?” She asks softly.

He nods and pulls her in for a hug, eyes clenched shut, holding her like she’s his only lifeline. She holds him tight in return. 

“Good.” She murmurs, stroking his soft curls, squeezing him tighter. _ It’s ok. I’m not going anywhere. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @thismidnight for this chapter of their story! Working with you has made me a better writer- but your easygoing collaborative style makes it fun and stress free. Thanks friend. Keep the ideas coming! ❤️


	16. Home

As soon as her eyes blink open, June can tell Nick is on edge. 

He’s perched on the side of his bed, fidgeting with his ring finger absently, glaring at the darkness outside the window. Like he’s trying to speed up the sunrise somehow. 

_You didn’t sleep, did you? _June thinks, stretching deeply. 

They’re in the middle of winter break. Finals are over and Josh is going home from the hospital today. Well...not HOME. Rehab. 

June squints, focusing on the bedside alarm clock. 5:35am. She smiles, turning to face Nick. “Hey.” 

He turns at the sound of her voice. “Hey” he whispers back, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. “Sleep ok?” 

She nods, holding her arms out. Nick smiles and lays down, letting her pull him into her arms. They lay like this awhile longer. Her fingers stroking his soft dark curls, tracing up and down his back. It’s too early to get up, but neither of them can get back to sleep. 

\------------------------------------

June does most of the talking on the ride from the hospital to the rehab facility. She’s driving and Josh is in the back seat. Normally she wouldn’t presume to occupy all of the airspace in the conversation, but Nick’s a nervous wreck. He’s silent, staring out the passenger window, bouncing his knee nervously. 

June keeps glancing affectionately at Josh in the rearview mirror. He looks so much better. Healthier. His skin less puffy, his eyes clearer. His smile broader. It’s indescribably good to see him out of the hospital gown. Like he’s a real person again. 

He asks jokingly if they can stop for cigarettes and June turns him down with a understanding pout. “Sorry, Sir. I’m under strict orders.”

She chats fondly with Josh about movies and music, adeptly avoiding the topics they actually have in common. Their party days. Their mutual alcoholic friends. She knows it won’t help to rehash the past and it’s time for Josh to start making new friends.

She’s in the middle of someone else’s family drama but it’s strangely comfortable somehow. _Isn’t everyone’s family a little fucked up? Alcoholic parents- we have that shit in common. Why do we all pretend we’re normal. It’s such bullshit. I like you more like this. Just like you are. _

She pulls over, putting the car in park. They’re at their secret pit stop- one they aren’t supposed to be taking. They’re supposed to drive Josh straight to rehab. But they thought this might help brighten his spirits. 

June looks over at Nick- still deep in his head. She elbows him, drawing him out of his thoughts. He blinks, turning to her with a nod before getting out of the car. 

June turns around in her seat, chatting with Josh until Nick returns with Rebel. They’d decided to take him home today too, after they got Josh settled, but they both agreed it would be good for Josh to see him.

Nick’s main worry had been leaving Josh alone when classes started up in the spring. Putting him back in the exact same depressing empty house where his addiction was born. The puppy had been June’s idea but Nick agreed instantly. It was the perfect solution. He felt better knowing Josh would have company even when he had work or class. 

And they never once talked about whose dog it would be, or who would care for it. Rebel was theirs. It never came up. Like they were their own little family already.

Josh and the puppy spend the next hour catching up in the back seat of June’s car. It’s an adorable montage of smiles and laughter and licking and wagging. June watches, her heart swelling in her chest. _Love heals us more than any medicine. She thinks. You just need more of this in your life. All three of you._

\-----------------------------------------

Nick carries Josh’s suitcase into the residential rehab facility that will be his home for the next month. Josh walks straight to the check-in desk like he owns the place, smiling widely as he leans on the counter. “Got any smokes?” He asks with his most charming voice. Like a young James Dean. 

The stern check in lady glances up, smirking despite herself at the easy smile behind this ridiculous request. “You’re gonna be trouble. I can see that already. What’s your name, sweetheart?”

Nick, meanwhile, is frowning at the wall of pamphlets beside the check in desk. Alcoholics Anonymous. Meditation classes. Yoga lessons. Narcotics Anonymous. His brow furrows as he pulls a pamphlet from the wall, studying a group name he’d never seen before. He’s pulled from his thoughts when June takes his hand. 

They get Josh settled in his room. It’s quiet. Homey. Safe. Like a guest room at someone’s house. A soft yellow quilt with tiny flowers on top of the bed. No sharp objects. Not too many places to hide things. 

Nick promises to come visit every day. He hugs Josh hard, unable to let go. Josh softens, patting his back and telling him he’ll be ok. When Nick finally pulls back his eyes are wet and he has trouble meeting Josh’s gaze. Josh puts his forehead to Nicks’s and promises he’ll do better this time. Nick’s eyes clamp shut and he nods, clenching his jaw hard. 

June steps outside the room to give them a minute alone. She looks down at the pamphlet she’d taken from Nick. Sons of Jacob. Meetings Daily. Make a difference. Be your best self. 

Nick comes out of the room, totally wrecked. The same expression he’d had the day she made him breakfast. Lost and exhausted.

She puts a hand on his cheek reassuringly, whispering that it’s ok. He softens into her touch, sighing deeply. Not fighting it. Letting her see him vulnerable. Not trying to hide it. 

June cups his other cheek too, repeating her reassurances with kind smiles. 

He finally nods, reassured, and takes her hand. 

\---------------------------------------------

June pulls up outside Nick’s house. Rebel whines from the backseat. 

Nick is staring out the window, lost in his head again. June takes his hand. 

Nick squeezes her hand. He yawns and rubs his eyes, the fatigue from the day finally catching up with him. “I just want to say- I love you. For everything today. You helped so much with Josh. He listens to you. And you were right about the puppy -he really brightened up when he was playing with him. Thank you.”

When his sleepy stream of consciousness stops, he looks over to see June watching him with a soft smile on her lips. 

“What?” Nick asks, brows wrinkling together.

June’s smirk grows. “You just said you loved me.” 

Nick blinks, running his words back, dropping his head to his hands with a quiet groan.

June shakes her head, not understanding his reaction. “Wait...what’s wrong?”

Nick shakes his head. “I had a plan...I was...gonna take you out, get you flowers, make it special. It just slipped out...I’m sorr….”

But his words are stopped by her lips on his. 

When she pulls away she holds his gaze. “It was perfect. I’m glad you said it.”

She kisses him again softly and he sighs into it, hands coming to her cheeks. When she pulls away she holds his gaze with a smile. “I love you too.” 


	17. Thawing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick opens up to June about the past. They make some new memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guest chapter by @benofie! Please be sure to leave her comments and let her know what you think!

June was propped up on her bed, one leg tucked underneath her. She chewed on the end of her highlighter, struggling to stay focused on her Western Civ reading.

Suddenly she heard her phone vibrate on the nightstand next to her and she checked it immediately, welcoming the distraction.

She got excited when she saw she had a text from Nick. A big smile broke across her face as she opened her phone. 

_ “What’s your shoe size?” _

_ That’s it? _ June thought. Confused, she texted him back, _ “Um… 6 ½ … Why?” _

_ “It’s a surprise” _

June’s eyebrows raised. A surprise that required her shoe size? But before she could text him back to ask…

_ “Are you busy tomorrow at 1:00?” _

_ “Yes. With you, I hope…” _

_ “Good :) Meet me at my place” _

_ “I can’t wait… _ 😘 _ ” _

June sighed and smiled as she collapsed back onto her bed, beginning a happy daydream about her dreamy boyfriend. Her eyes began to close as she thought about his smile...his lips...his hands…

She was stirred back to reality as her phone buzzed again. She smiled widely again, knowing it was Nick… kissing her goodnight, maybe? She opened her phone….

_ “Dress warm” _

June’s brow furrowed, confused again...

______________________

_ Dress warm… _ Nick had said. So we’re doing something outside… in the cold, in the snow probably. So unless Nick was getting her shoe size for snow boots, June was guessing… ice skating. Her tummy fluttered with nerves at the thought. She’d probably been 14 the last time she went ice skating and she’d never _ really _ been good at it. _ Ah well… _ she thought. _ I’ll just put myself in Nick’s hands. _The thought made her smile.

This gave her an opportunity to wear some of the cute winter clothes she had brought in preparation of going to school in Michigan. She found the matching white cashmere snow hat, scarf, and gloves that her mom had given her last Christmas. They paired well with the new, form-fitting periwinkle blue down coat with a white fur-trimmed hood she had just bought a couple weeks ago.

When she arrived at Nick’s house, he met her outside, a backpack slung over one arm. He was wearing a hoodless black down coat, black gloves, and a Michigan Wolverines cap. He kissed her hello and told her he wanted to take her somewhere special. 

“Let me guess… the ice pond you used to skate on as a kid?”

Nick just smiled back, slipping his hand into hers, “you’re too smart for me…” then he led her towards a path leading into the nearby forest.

______________________

The snow was only a couple inches thick. Their feet sunk in a little but it wasn't too hard to walk in. Even so, June's foot found a snow covered stone that was round and slippery and she lost her balance slightly, falling into Nick. He grabbed her quickly, holding her up, keeping her from falling. 

"You ok?" Nick checked, his arms hooked under hers.

Their bodies were close. June could smell his shampoo. The mood shifted. "Yeah, I'm fine" she breathed, making no effort to untangle herself from his arms. Her eyes rose to meet his. She didn't hide her smolder.

Picking up on June's vibe, Nick smiled slightly and dipped his head down to kiss her, slow and sensual, just a hint of tongue.

It took so little to get June in the mood anymore. Now that she's had a taste, everything Nick did made her want him, all the time. Sexy kisses pushed her over the edge.

They broke apart slowly, panting, staying close, foreheads touching. "You sure you still wanna skate?" June whispered.

Her suggestive comment unfortunately had the opposite effect on Nick. Suddenly he cleared his throat and pulled back. Making sure she was firm on her feet before releasing her and taking her hand again.

"Actually yeah... I still really want to skate..." he gave June a warm look and smiled. 

_ The man chooses ice skating over sex... is this a pro or con? _

______________________

After walking for about 15 minutes, the path finally opened up to a small clearing right by a pond which looked to be completely frozen over. June gasped, taking it all in. It was breathtaking. Fresh snow still clung to the surrounding trees. The sunlight reflected off of icicles like shimmering diamonds hanging all around them. It was absolutely magical.

“Oh Nick…” June breathed, as she looked around her.

Nick stood quietly next to her, smiling at her reaction, giving her a moment to absorb it all. “This is where my family and I would come to skate every winter. It was so close to our house, most of the time it was like our own private skating rink.” Nick looked around him, remembering, “Josh and I would have snowball fights and we’d skate until dusk…”

Now June was looking at him. He had a far away look in his eyes, and kind of a sad smile as he reminisced over happy memories. A happier, simpler time when his family was still whole, his brother wasn’t an addict, and Nick didn’t have to work two part-time jobs to hold everything together. She squeezed his hand, bringing him back to her. He looked at her and smiled, the sadness disappearing. “Come here…”

Nick led her closer to the edge of the pond and sat down, setting his backpack in front of him. June sat down next to him on a soft patch of snow. She watched as he unzipped the backpack and took out two pairs of skates. One black, his, and one white, which he handed to her. She looked surprised, they were used, so they had belonged to someone.

Taking the skates from Nick, she looked at them quizzically, and then she turned a soft gaze to Nick. She was almost afraid to ask, because she sensed she already knew the answer as she saw Nick’s eyes glistening with tears. 

“They were my mom’s,” he said softly, “she was a half size larger than you, but they should work.”

“Nick…” June whispered, looking at the skates again, “are you sure?” looking back at him.

Nick nodded and turned a warm gaze towards her. He cleared his throat and said, “June… being with you has made me happier than I’ve been in a really long time…”

June felt tears stinging her own eyes. She knew it was hard for him to open up so she instinctively reached for his hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze as he continued, “before you, the only other time I can remember being this happy was when my family would come here…” his eyes were looking out over the frozen pond now, June could almost imagine his childhood memories playing out in front of him like old home movies. “I really wanted to share this with you… in a way… it’s like… like...” Nick couldn’t finish, the rest of his thought choked inside him, his emotions overwhelming him.

June’s heart broke as she saw a single tear escape out of the corner of one eye and slide down his cheek. She reached up and brushed the tear away, then leaned over and kissed his cheek where the tear had been, “it’s ok…” she moved in close and hugged him, he wrapped an arm around her, “it’s ok… I know…” she repeated as she held him and comforted him. She felt soft, gentle sobs escaping him. She just held him, wanting to share in his pain, his loss, if it helped him at all. She kept kissing the side of his face and cradling the back of his head with her hand, letting him bury his face in her neck.

After a few minutes Nick’s breathing steadied again and he relaxed his hold a little. June pulled back slightly to see his face, but stayed close. 

Nick started, “I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”

“Don’t…” June stopped him, holding his face gently and gazing at him lovingly, wiping his tears away with her thumbs, “don’t be sorry… please…”

Nick just nodded, looking down and taking a few deep, steadying breaths. After a few more minutes his breathing evened out and he continued, “I’ve never told you what happened…”

“Nick… you don’t have to. It’s ok…” June didn’t want to force him to dig up his painful past if he wasn’t ready.

“No… it’s ok… I want you to know…” his voice was steady and this seemed to be really important to him to get out.

June just nodded, lacing her fingers through his and holding a steady gaze on his face. He was looking down, between them, but he seemed to be focusing in on the distant memory he wanted to share with her. She just waited, quietly, giving him the space he needed to open up.

“Josh...my dad…” he cleared his throat, “they weren’t always like… I mean, we were happy… before…” Nick looked around him, “and this place… it was more than just an ice pond in the winter.” He nodded to a large tree on the bank next to the pond, with a long, thick branch extending out over the water, “...there used to be a tire swing hanging from that big tree over there. Josh and I used to take turns pushing each other on the swing and taking dives into the pond in the summer…” he shook his head, “we spent almost every minute of our summers here… all day long… swimming, hiking, playing hide and seek…” he smiled to himself, “this place was special… my mom used to come here with her family when she was growing up. Then when she met my dad, they used to come here and my dad…” Nick nodded again towards the big tree by the water, “...my dad proposed to my mom underneath that tree. My dad had our house built close to this spot. He wanted our family to always have this, like it was just here for us. And most of the time it felt like it was. Then…”

Nick cleared his throat again, this was the hard part, she could tell, “...it was a… brain tumor… my mom…” June watched his face as his eyes focused on a spot on the ground just in front of him, but she knew he was flashing back to something far, far away and much more painful. She squeezed his hand, holding on with both of hers now, trying to channel as much strength to him as she possibly could. 

She was afraid to say anything, but she sensed he needed something a little more to get him through this. She lifted her left hand and touched his face, leaning in and kissing him very softly on the lips, then she lifted his right hand and wrapped it around her shoulders, snuggling up against his chest and finding his left hand with hers. Nick seemed to appreciate this adjustment and squeezed her left hand and tightened his arm around her shoulders, holding her close as he found the strength he needed to get the rest of his story out.

“It um… it all happened really quickly. Everything was normal and then within a few months, she was gone…” he cleared his throat again, “it was hard on all of us but my dad… he was never the same. At first he was just distant, then he started drinking more, parking himself in front of the TV… that became his life. Josh… well, you’ve seen how he coped with it… Whatever savings we had was gone. I started taking whatever odd jobs I could find. I can only afford to go to school because I had a partial scholarship and we qualify for financial aid. Dad has a small pension but... basically, whatever I make at the pizza place and animal shelter goes to keeping the lights on and a roof over our head.”

June had been listening silently but, sensing a pause from Nick, she said, “that’s too much, though, Nick… it’s too big a burden for you to carry on your own…”

Nick paused, then said quietly, “I don’t know what else to do…”

June pulled his arms around her tighter, “you don’t have to do any of it alone. Not anymore…”

Their position had shifted again where June’s back was resting fully on his chest and both of his arms were wrapped around her, their hands and fingers entwined in front of them. Nick dropped a slow kiss on top of her head, “thank you…” he whispered.

“For what?” she asked softly.

“For helping me through that…”

June smiled and pulled his arms tighter around her. “I’m so sorry that happened… I wish I could have met her…”

Nick held her even tighter, “she would’ve liked you…”

“Thank you for bringing me here…” June snuggled against him. Her heart felt sad and heavy but also full, at the same time. She wished she could do more to share the weight of Nick’s grief. She wished she could absorb at least half of his pain into herself and help him carry that burden. 

Still, even if she couldn’t lessen his pain, she might be able to help take his mind off his troubles, at least for a little while. 

June tilted her head back to look up at him and hooked her arm around the back of his head, pulling him down to kiss her. They broke apart gently, smiling softly at each other, "I love you…" she said.

"I love you too…"

June fought every single urge to stay wrapped in the warm, cozy arms of her wonderful boyfriend and began to push herself up slightly, "come on…"

"What?"

"Are we gonna skate or not?" She scooted back over to where she had left the white skates laying in the snow and glanced back at Nick, throwing him a coy smile. Nick needed something to lift his spirits after unloading something so heavy and she hoped this would help. 

Nick's face relaxed into a grateful smile and he reached for the skates still laying in front of him.

June began to change into her skates, being careful not to rest her feet in the snow as she pulled them on and laced them up. Nick had been right, she noticed a little extra room in the toes, but the skates fit fine.

Skates on, Nick pushed himself up easily. June held out her hand to him, indicating she needed some help getting up. Nick took both of her hands and pulled her up in one smooth motion. He continued to hold her hand as he led her to the ice.

June was nervous. It had been a while since she had skated and this... was not The Skating Club of Boston.

They reached the edge and Nick let go of June's hand, launching himself out onto the ice. He glided effortlessly a few times, completing a figure eight in front of her before skating back over to where June stood, still a little shaky, over by the edge of the pond. Nick dug his toe pick into the ice, stopping himself abruptly in front of her.

"Show off..." June teased.

He laughed, "I just wanted to test the ice a little, make sure it feels solid." 

June looked at the iffy steps between the ground and the ice. She looked apprehensive and cleared her throat, "uhhh..." she gestured with her hands in front of her, "normally I have a wall of some kind to cling to so I don't fall..."

Nick chuckled and moved closer to the edge of the ice, holding his hand out to her, "here... I won't let you fall..."

June met his eyes and he smiled at her, she smiled back and took the hand he held out to her. She took a couple cautious steps and as she stepped onto the ice, Nick reached for her other hand, holding her steady until she found her balance. 

June wobbled slightly and gasped. "I got you" Nick said, "just relax your legs a little, it's ok..." 

June was embarrassed, she felt like such a spaz. "I swear I've done this before..."

"Don't worry... it'll come back to you. Your muscles will remember..." Nick began to skate backwards slowly, still holding both of her hands. 

"Wait!" June squealed as they began to move, her muscles tensing up again.

"It's ok... we'll go slow, just to get the feel of it. Relax your legs..." he reminded her.

"Ok..." June was staring down at her feet, awkwardly beginning to move one foot in front of the other.

"Now look at me..."

"I can't!" She laughed, clinging to his hands.

Nick laughed, "yes you can... look at me..." she still wouldn't look at him, "June..." he said softly.

She finally looked up and met his soft gaze and he smiled at her again. His hands continued to hold her up but his gaze steadied her and she was finally able to relax into it a little. Eyes locked on Nick, she stopped obsessing about what her feet were doing and soon she was gliding along with him, finding his rhythm. 

June couldn't resist giving Nick a naughty smirk as they began to coast smoother on the ice. Is it weird that something about this was really turning her on? Nick's gentle coaxing suddenly flashed a memory for June of helping to guide him through lovemaking. She decided to control herself and relaxed her face. She wouldn’t tease him. This was clearly important to him.

"Do you think you're ready?" Nick asked.

"For what?" June panicked.

Nick shook one of their joined hands, "I'm gonna let go of my left hand, I'll still hold on with my right…" June looked unsure and started to tense up again. "You'll be fine… just stay relaxed…"

Nick gently released her hand and repositioned himself so they were skating side by side. "Good…" he said, encouraging her. 

June was involuntarily sticking her right arm out to the side to keep her balance. She was still looking down at her feet and the ice. 

"Try looking ahead of you. Don't think about your feet… that's it… breathe… relax… good..." Nick coached.

All of Nick's suggestions worked. June started to feel more comfortable. Soon their gliding matched. Nick gently turned them in a large arc to head back toward the edge of the pond. 

June got excited, "I think I got it!" And they both laughed.

"Good job!" Nick beamed at her.

But then June became a bit too over confident and pushed off just a little too hard with one foot and began to lose her balance. She squealed and squeezed Nick's hand harder. Her other arm flailing as she over corrected and turned her body towards Nick. He braced himself and caught her as she collided with him. His stance was wide and he dug his blades in firm so they wouldn't fall. 

They both laughed. "Are you ok?" Nick asked.

"Yeah…sorry..." June giggled. Once again, managing to accidentally fall into her lover's arms, she felt the mood shift again.

June couldn't help herself. She focused on his lips and leaned in carefully, kissing him softly. It was brief but sweet. She didn't want them getting too carried away on the ice.

They stayed close, though. Nick's gaze was so soft and searching. Like he was studying every detail of her face. June blushed and averted her eyes slightly. Suddenly self-conscious. 

Nick just shook his head, as if in wonder, "you are so beautiful…" he whispered.

June looked at him, touched by how earnest he sounded. Every time he had said something like that to her she knew he meant it. At most, she had always thought of herself as cute, attractive maybe but no great beauty. But in Nick's eyes she knew she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He made her feel beautiful. She only hoped she made him feel the same way because he was truly the most beautiful man she had ever known in her life. And his beauty ran deep through every single part of him.

"You ready to head back?" Nick asked. 

"Yeah…"

______________________

On the bank of the pond they sat down to change back into their shoes. 

“Did you have fun?” Nick asked.

June smiled, “Yes… I had a lot of fun. You’re a good teacher.”

A couple beats passed, Nick seemed to be considering a thought carefully, then he said, “so were you…”

June froze and turned to look at him, he had a sly smirk on his face and gave her a sidelong glance. June opened her mouth and scoffed a bit and then smiled, looking back at her hands, lacing up her shoes, “well I… I didn’t do much… you were a natural…”

Nick laughed softly as he finished tying his shoe laces, “I guess...I can’t really say the same…”

June turned and scoffed at him again, “_ oh really? _” this time grabbing a handful of snow and throwing it in his face. Nick laughed and threw a handful of snow back at her. They both laughed, tossing more snow back and forth until eventually their light swatting at each other transitioned to Nick pinning June down against the snow. 

The mood shifted again as they both panted, their smiles fading. Nick lowered and began kissing her. The heat began to build between them and this time, neither of them was doing anything to stop it. 

June wanted him... badly... right here… she had been fighting this need all day and didn’t think she could wait another second.

Nick trailed kisses to her neck and June reached down to begin unfastening his pants. She could already feel how aroused he was through his jeans and she smiled gratefully. 

Suddenly, Nick stopped and pushed himself up slightly, staring at the snow just beyond June.

“What’s wrong?” June asked, still panting.

“I don’t think I can do this...not here…”

“Why? What is it?”

Nick laughed softly and shook his head, then nodded at the snow just beyond where they were laying, “I just had a memory flash through my head of me and Josh making snow angels right over there…” he continued to laugh softly, shaking his head, “there’s too many family memories here, I can’t…”

June smiled, understanding, "well then… why don't we take this somewhere we can… make new memories…" she wiggled her eyebrows at him suggestively.

Nick nodded rapidly, "let's go…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @benofie for this ADOREABLE chapter 😩😭🥰.


	18. Flushed

June tries to focus on the crunch of the snow beneath her boots. She tries to focus on her breath- watching the clouds in the air in front of her. The sun is dipping low on the horizon and the air is chillier with every passing minute. They quickly walk in silence. Trying to march the 15 minutes it will take to get back to Nick’s house. 

But the damp heat between her legs and the fluttering ache in her chest worsens with each step. 

She glances at Nick with lidded needy eyes. _Starving_ for him. His black hair is messy from where she’d run her fingers through it. His cheeks are flushed from the cold. 

Nick turns to meet her gaze, the lines around his eyes crinkling, his lips quirking into that irresistible smile. His dark eyes _burning_ for her. 

June’s discomfort becomes unbearable. She turns abruptly, pushing Nick against a tree, the impact knocking a cloud of fine snow loose from a branch overhead. She start kissing him as tiny snowflakes drift around them, caressing his face with mittened hands.

Nick welcomes the kiss, pulling her closer and moaning softly. 

June pulls her gloves off, stuffing them in her back pocket and quickly unbuckling his belt. She works so fast that Nick doesn’t realize what she’s doing until his zipper drops and his pants loosen, slipping lower on his hips. 

He grabs both of her wrists, pinning them in place at her sides. 

He’s wrecked, shaking his head, panting. “June.” 

“Yes?” She whispers in her most innocent voice, dropping soft kisses along his neck and jaw and cheek. He smirks as a shiver runs through him. 

“We’re almost there.” He breathes, fighting a losing battle with his own desire. Knowing they need to get inside. They’re so close. They’ll have warmth, safety- some primal instinct demands he get her home first before they make love. But every kiss, every touch intoxicates him, making him forget everything but his overwhelming need for her. 

June concedes, muscles softening. “Ok.” She says with disappointment. “I’ll stop.” 

“Ok.” Nick murmurs thankfully, releasing her wrists. Clearing his throat. Painfully aroused, wondering how the hell he’s going to walk with an erection this bad.

June takes a few steps backwards, and Nick follows, stepping away from the tree. 

Then suddenly June shoves his chest hard, pushing him back into a snow bank and climbing onto his lap. 

“It’s almost dark!” Nick laughs. “We’ll get frostbite.” His smile falls away as he leans into another kiss, melting under June. 

June breaks the kiss to whisper “it’s ok. I’ll keep you warm.”

Nick groans as he stiffens further under her rhythmic movements. He knows he could come here, just from this friction. He squeezes June's ass through the thick denim, something primal taking him over. Nick rolls quickly- flipping June to her back. Grinding his hips against hers. Kissing her deeply. June sighs into it, her body softening in surrender, hands moving to his back, slipping under his boxers and squeezing the bare skin of his firm ass sensuously. Pulling, kneading with each thrust of his hips.

In an act of superhuman restraint, Nick bites his lip, untangling himself to stand quickly. He adjusts his pants- hastily fastening his belt. He pulls June up by the hands and starts walking quickly with her in tow. He keeps her hand in his, pulling her along behind him like a sullen toddler. 

Within minutes they’re on his front porch. Nick manages to get his keys out of his pocket and unlock the door while they kiss. As soon as they’re inside he backs her hard against the door, pressing against her, moving with his whole body. Making love to her fully clothed, standing up. Grinding his hips against hers urgently. Holding nothing back. Lost in it.

June is unzipping and pushing his jacket off his shoulders. They fumble, breathing hard, kicking their boots off, frantically peeling off eachother’s coats, shirts, underwear off roughly. Leaving a trail of clothes across his living room floor. 

“Dad’s gone til tomorrow.” Nick whispers between kisses. June nods, pushing him down onto the couch. She looks at him, the picture of erotic perfection- naked, cock at full attention, chest heaving, waiting for her. Wanting her. She follows, climbing onto his lap quickly, straddling him. 

He instinctively checks- touching gently between her legs, breath catching when he finds her wetter than she’s ever been. Her essence warm and slick against his frozen fingertips. “You feel so good” 

She sits quickly, filling herself with him, gripping his hair hard and pulling him in for a kiss, whimpering with relief. “Oh fuck, Nick.”

They move, grinding, groping, kissing, greedy hands everywhere. 

Pleasure this intense can’t last long. Nick breaks first. “June...Oh God” He moans brokenly, burying his face in her neck and pulling hard on her hips and she rides him hard and fast and deep. Nick's face pinches into a mask of bliss, he moves his forehead to hers, open mouth against hers as her hips stutter and she joins him, crying out for him falling into climax together. 

When their eyes open, they laugh and touch each others faces, nuzzling and kissing and softly. “I love you." "I know. It’s ok.” Faces still ruddy from the cold outside. Glowing and warm.


	19. Games

June loved turning Nick on. His tells were subtle, but after a few weeks she knew them all. The way his eyes burned into her. The clench of his jaw. The subtle heat that radiated off his body when he wanted her. 

She knew what he liked. He liked her smile, especially if she didn’t smile until she looked into his eyes. He liked when she bit her lip, and watching her put on lipstick wrecked him every time. He was a lip guy apparently. Which made sense. He kissed her every chance he got. 

She made a game out of it. The goal was to make Nick snap out of his calm, collected demeanor and into primal lust mode. Once he stood suddenly during study hall and pulled her into a stairwell to kiss her senseless. It was the lipstick that did it that time. One time she got him so worked up during lunch that he took her into the woods. Deep enough that no one could see him make love to her up against a tree. 

It took less and less to break him. Or maybe she was getting better and better at it. Honing her skills. June muses about this contentedly, chewing on the end of her pen. She knows he’s watching. She can feel his dark eyes on her. She drags it across her lower lip before glancing at Nick on the other side of the library table. She smirks when she sees that he’s in bad shape, staring at her, eyebrows wrinkled together. He starts, blinking and returning his gaze to the book in front of him. 

June pulls out her phone. Ready to go in for the kill. 

**J:** I made a huge mistake.

**N:** ?

**N:** What’s wrong?

June types her response, smiling to herself and hitting send. Locking her eyes on Nick’s to watch his reaction. He’s staring at his screen. His eyes raise to hers, smoldering harder than normal. 

**J:** I wanted to show you my new panties later. I got them just for you. They’re lace. But they were uncomfortable. I had to take them off. I still want you to see them…

June slides her hand across the table, depositing her black lace thong in Nick’s hand. Raising her eyebrow in a challenge. 

\-----------------------------------------------

15 minutes later (the exact amount of time it takes to get from the library to Nick’s house), Nick is pulling june down the hall and into his bedroom. 

He’s backing her up to his desk, kissing her. He clears it quickly, pushing books and papers to the floor. He picks her up, sitting her on his desk, unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans hurriedly, pulling them down and off her like a starving man unwrapping a chocolate bar. His hand slips between her legs, groaning into her mouth when he feels that she is, in fact, not wearing any panties. 

June is clinging to his shoulders and hair, kissing him frantically, but he’s pushing her backwards, urging her to lay down on his desk. 

He pulls her toward him, scooting her hips to the edge of his desk. They’d done this before a handful of times- but only in beds. His twice, hers once when her roomate was away. June’s heart races with anticipation. She shuts her eyes, covering her eyes with her hands. Somehow here by his window, in the middle of the day- this act seemed too intimate. But she didn’t have to feel embarrassed for long. Soon all she could think about was his soft lips kissing the inside of her knee, moving slowly downward. She opens her eyes and sees him, kissing down her inner thigh with his eyes closed. He’s pulled his desk chair over and has his knee on it for balance. 

He takes his time, and when he reaches her inner thigh, he starts over on the other side. Kissing slowly, softly from her knee toward her center. 

June's holding her breath, impossibly turned on. Not used to any kind of teasing from him. Her fingers find his hair and stroke his dark curls gently, encouraging him. She’s murmuring his name. This time he keeps going, moving his mouth to her center. Dropping the same soft kisses on her outer lips. June moans loudly. Wanting so much more but not wanting to rush him. She feels him spreading her and licking her softly. She hears a soft moan, a sound of pleasure from him. As though he loved her taste. This thought sends a shockwave through her, and her legs clamp around his head. 

“You ok?” He asks, checking in. Her eyes are still clenched shut, her whole body rigid. She can feel his warm breath on her and it’s like torture. She’s shaking her head and pulling his face back to her with her hands. She hears the chair scraping on the floor as he scoots it closer, getting a better angle. His hands are on her hips, bracing her. She’s moaning “Please. Please Nick.”

They freeze when they hear a car pull up outside. They spring apart and he’s looking out the window, scooping her jeans off the floor and handing them to her. “It’s my dad.” He says, adjusting his erection with a wince.

He moves quickly across the room, locking and pulling his door shut to meet his dad at the front door. 

June dresses quickly, adrenaline running through her veins. She rakes her fingers through her hair, blowing out a slow breath. _ Hell of a first impression. _ She thinks. _ Well it can’t be helped now. _

She walks down the hallway slowly. Noticing that Nick’s voice is different when he talks to his dad. Matching his father’s tone. Less warmth. Shorter sentences. Matter of fact statements. 

They both pause and look at her as she enters the living room. She smiles awkwardly, feeling totally out of place. Like she'd been caught somewhere she had no business being. Nick crosses to her and takes her hand. “Dad, this is June. I asked her to come over and study.”

Nick’s dad stares at June, his face unreadable. A woman in this space. With his son. June can tell the idea is stirring up uncomfortable memories. He seems to catch himself staring. He clears his throat, looking away. She takes the opportunity to get a look at him. He’s probably in his late 50s. Thick build. A thick moustache and beard. The same dark eyes, but lighter brown hair. June notes these differences, realizing that Nick and Josh strongly favor their mother. 

June crosses the room, extending her hand to shake his. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Blaine, I’ve heard a lot about you!” She says with a glowing smile. 

This takes his dad by surprise. He blinks, softening a bit. He clears his throat. “Nick taking care of you? Getting you everything you need?” 

June nods. “He’s a great host. But it’s really nice to meet you. I hope we can get to know eachother better soon.” 

He scoffs, smiling despite himself. Quickly returning to his neutral face. As if any happiness was dangerous. Sure to end badly. But he nods. Considering something. “Nick you should...have her over for dinner some time.” 

They all nod and agree to this plan before his dad retreats to his room. 

Nick winces as he readjusts himself once again. 


	20. Satisfaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice moment for our protagonists.

Nick’s dad trips over a dog food bowl on his way down the darkened hallway, cursing under his breath. The grumbling ceases as he opens his bedroom door. Rebel greets him, barking happily and licking him all over. Mr. Blaine laughs, “Hey there, buddy” bending over to scoop the puppy up and pulling the door shut behind them. Nick’s dad had been spending more time at home since the puppy moved in. Josh wouldn’t be home for another week and Nick had classes, so their dad had taken over all of the puppy-care duties, complaining about the extra work, but letting the dog sleep in his bed, sneaking him treats, clearly not bothered one bit by the companionship.

June catches Nick’s eye, raising her eyebrow and nodding toward the front door, suggesting they head to her place to finish what they started. 

Nick glances at his watch, shaking his head with a sigh. “I’ve got work…” running a hand over his hair “...I’m sorry…” 

June shakes her head. “No, it’s fine. But I’ll see you tonight?” She holds his gaze, eyebrows up, asking him to promise. It was a party. Not a frat party, just a house party, but she knew he was wary of gatherings like this. June pouts, pushing her lower lip out before biting it suggestively.

Nick sighs, unable to hide his smirk at her persistence. “Ok.” he says, walking to her, pulling her hips close to his and kissing her again. Making it clear that he couldn’t wait to get her alone again.

\----------------------------------------

Later that night they’re playing pool at the house party. June is losing terribly. She walks around the table to take her next shot. She leans against the table and Nick steps up, close to her. She chalks her cue stick suggestively. “I learned my lesson today.” She says, shaking her head. 

Nick’s staring at her hands, the way they move sensuously around the tip of the cue stick. He blinks when he realizes she’s talking to him, brows cinching in confusion. “Hmm?”

June raises her eyebrows innocently. “Oh, about the panties. I learned my lesson.”

She turns, pressing herself against his lap as she bends over to line up her shot. 

Nick swallows thickly. “What lesson was that…” he asks, one hand automatically moving to her hip. She’s wearing a short green corduroy skirt, which barely covers her cheeks as she bends over. 

“I’ve decided not to wear them anymore.”

Nick’s eyes clench shut, his inner 13 year old screaming. June presses herself back even further, and feels his hand clench on her hip. 

Nick grabs her wrist, pulling her behind him as he walks toward the stairs. She drops the cue stick to the floor, following him quickly. 

They climb the stairs from the crowded basement, up to the main level of the house, then up further to the second floor. There’s a line for the bathroom and they try the bedroom doors, but they’re all locked. Nick pulls her around the corner into a darkened alcove, unable to wait any longer. He backs her against the wall, kissing her aggressively. It’s wanton and carnal. They move together, pressing into each other. Trying to get as close as they can. Their breaths are ragged and quickened. They both know where this will lead. That there won’t be any more distractions. Wanting to. Right here. No one would have to know. She feels him hard against her, and the thought of him thrusting it inside her makes her legs weak. She’d fall if she wasn’t pinned to the wall by his hips and their heavy grinding. Her head falls to the side, and his lips instantly attack the exposed sensitive skin. June moans loudly. His hands are under her shirt, unhooking her bra, pushing it up and massaging her breasts. June is soaked and desperate, wrapping her knee behind his. Her hands are on his hips, pulling him to her, squeezing him, kneading his ass and whimpering needily. That’s her signal. When she grabs his hips she’s done playing. She needs him. Not next to her. Inside her. All the way. Hot and smooth and fucking her hard. 

Nick breaks the kiss when he hears the bathroom door open, pulling her by the wrist, cutting the line and pulling her inside. He locks the door behind them and lifts her to sit on the sink. Their hands clash to unbuckle his jeans, shoving them down off his hips. He’s kicking his pants and underwear off and slipping a condom on. Then he kisses her and pushes inside, and they’re kissing and fucking on the bathroom sink. Harder than normal. All of their pent up desire bubbling over. 

“I want to hear you” he whispers when he breaks away for air, forehead pressed against hers. “I want them to know…” He’s kissing her again. She can tell from the goosebumps on his back and his quiet moans that he’s impossibly turned on and whatever he’s thinking of is the reason. 

“Know what?” June asks...kissing down his neck, so that his mouth is available to answer her. 

Nick pulls back, watching her, eyes dark and burning with lust. “I want them to know how good you feel when I fuck you.”

“Nick” she gasps, her core clenching hard around his cock. He bites his lip, slowing his pace. Her thighs clamp around his hips, but he keeps up his slow torturous rhythm between her legs. He presses into her, maintaining a steady pressure, grinding against her the way he did on the wall outside. “Let them hear you.” His voice is wrecked. Raspy and low in her ear. “Tell them how good this feels.” She feels her climax take her and she doesn’t hold back. Her cries are unbearable for Nick, who groans loudly, his hand slamming against the mirror as he comes too. Pushing hard into her tight perfection. Releasing to the sweet sounds of June’s ecstacy. 

They kiss after. Ignoring the jostling of the doorknob and pounding on the door. Completely fucking oblivious. When they finally separate 10 minutes later, they’re all smiles. They clean up and head back to the party. 

\---------------------------------------------------

They sit on the roof after as Nick smokes. They’ve brought a blanket from one of the bedrooms out with them. 

“Fuck” he says, blowing out a cloud of smoke and laying flat on his back, with his hands over his face. 

June lays back too, rolling to her side. Resting her head on her hand. “What?”

He shakes his head. “I’m so in love with you…”

June smiles. “I know. Is that a _ bad _thing?”

Nick takes another drag, holding it before replying. “Love doesn’t end well in my family. Everyone I love dies.”

June swallows, considering this. “Well...I’m not dead. Josh, Rebel, your dad, we’re all still here aren’t we?”

Nick rolls his head to look at June, a smile crossing his lips. He nods. Acknowledging she’s right. “I’m just saying, if this doesn’t work out, it’s gonna kill me, like it killed my dad when mom died. I get it now. There’s nothing else. You’re it. You’re everything.”

June leans over and kisses him softly, flattered and equally in love with him. She pulls away and says “Well there’s still time for you to back out.” Her voice serious. 

Nick furrows his brow, rolling his eyes. “Nope. I’m done for. It’s too late.” He pulls her close and they cuddle closer, pulling the blanket up over their shoulders to keep warm.


	21. Rendezvous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh is acting weird. Nick is worried. June helps him figure out what's going on.

June spends more and more time at Nick’s house. Brightening the place up. Opening the curtains. Washing the windows for the first time in years. Letting the crisp winter sunlight in. She decorates the dining room, putting out an old lace table cloth that she found, along with fresh flowers in a ceramic vase. 

They bring Josh home on a Tuesday- and celebrate with dinner and cake. It feels more and more like things are finally going to be OK. 

\--------------------------------------

  
  


June’s studying in Nick’s room one day a few weeks later. They’re sitting on Nick’s bed at right angles to each other, her legs across his lap, one of his hands on her knee, both engrossed in their reading.

They hear Josh leave his room. Rebel’s claws scrape excitedly against the wood floor as he leaps up and sprints out to greet Josh. Josh heads for the front door, pulling on his jacket, grabbing Rebel’s leash and heading outside quickly. 

Nick sits bolt upright, gently lifting June’s legs off his lap. He stands, peering out the window with a worried expression on his face. 

“What?” June asks.

Nick shakes his head. “I don’t know. He’s been going somewhere every day.”

June shrugs. “Exercise?” 

Nick shakes his head. “I don’t know but I don’t like it. It’s always the same time. Like he’s meeting someone.” Nick continues worrying, sighing, running his hands over his mouth before continuing. “He’s too happy when he comes back. Like he’s high. Smiling and talking to himself.”

June sets her book down, turning to look out the window too. She turns back to Nick. “Let’s follow him. See where he’s going?”

Nick stares at her. Shaking his head with a smile. Like how could the solution be that simple. He sits, tying his shoes and June pulls on her shoes and jacket quickly. They lock the house and head off in the same direction as Josh, a few blocks behind. Following the sounds of the excited puppy’s barking. 

They end up at a local park about half a mile away. Rebel is off the leash, running full speed in a field, chasing birds and insects. Nick and June scan the space, looking for Josh. June taps Nick’s shoulder when she finally spots him.

Josh is sitting on a bench next to a young woman, looking carefree and blissfully happy. The woman has shoulder length brown hair. She’s average weight- fit, healthy looking. They’re talking and laughing. Josh tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear, leaning in to kiss her softly. The woman puts her hands on his face, smiling and kissing him back. She laughs and pulls away as Rebel jumps up between them, petting and hugging him with a wide smile. Josh puts Rebel back on his leash and the woman walks to her bicycle. 

Josh turns toward them, walking back toward the house, a wide sappy grin on his face, lost in his own world. Nick and June duck behind a tree and Josh doesn’t even see them as he walks by. 


	22. Hard Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick shelters June from his family stress. But she finally learns some hard truths. And how powerless she is to help.

They’re all gathered around the dinner table at Nick’s house. Nick, June, Josh and his girlfriend Anna, and Mr. Blaine. They’re eating meatloaf, mashed potatoes and peas. Mr. Blaine cooked. The food tastes good. Nick told June it was one of the only things his dad ever made, his go-to dinner, a tried and true standard. 

The energy is awkward and the conversation has dried up. June’s not sure why. But everything she says seems to make it worse. Like she’s speaking a different language that has unintended consequences. 

Nick’s holding June’s hand under the table and his leg is pressed against hers. Josh is more obvious, staring at Anna with the smile that’s always on his face in her presence. Mr. Blaine is shoveling food into his mouth, trying to get through the awkward event quickly. So it can be checked off. Invite sons girlfriends to dinner: check. Make meatloaf: check. Look like a normal family: check. Hopefully now things can get back to normal around here. 

Josh is murmuring something to Anna under his breath and she breaks into giggles. He smiles wider. He gently tucks her hair behind her ear, lingering to brush his thumb along her cheekbone. Entranced by her. 

June turns to Nick, asking him quietly if he wants to go to a movie later. Nick swallows and shakes his head.

  
  
Anna’s head snaps, listening, watching this exchange. She sighs. She’s had enough. 

“Are you gonna tell her?”

Nick glares at her, then at his brother, brows furrowing together in confusion. 

Josh is still staring at Anna, he murmurs “Nick would never mention it. He likes pretending everything’s ok.”

Now June’s worried. Like she’s the only one not in on some inside joke. Some secret. She’s a little pissed the new girlfriend knows something about Nick she doesn’t. June turns to Nick. “Tell me what?”

“That he’s broke.” Anna says bluntly.

June’s brow furrows, looking across the table into Anna’s eyes. She knows they’re broke. She scans back in the conversation, trying to figure out what prompted this statement. The movie. “I can get your ticket” she says, trying to fix it. 

Josh laughs, running his hands over his face. “Oh God. She has no idea.”

Mr. Blaine clears his throat loudly and stands, clearing his plate to the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge. He walks to the living room, settling in front of the TV, leaving the lovers to their conversation. Having completed his part of the whole thing he wants nothing to do with the rest. 

“No idea what?” June says, panic swelling up inside her. 

“How bad it is!” Josh says. Talking to Nick now, across the table. “Which is why I’ll get a job, I’ll go find something tomorrow, Nick. You can’t be the only one working anymore. It can’t just be on you anymore. I’m better, I can help now.”

Nick’s talking, words pouring out of him urgently. “No.” Shaking his head definitively. “You’re gonna rest and stay sober. That’s your work. That’s all that matters. I’ll handle it.”

Josh sighs and shakes his head. Anna’s comforting him, arms around his shoulders. “Let’s go.” 

Josh and Nick are staring across the table at each other, having some silent back and forth. Josh nods, giving in. “Thanks for dinner, pop” he says toward the living room. Mr. Blaine holds his beer up in acknowledgement. 

\----------------------------------------------------

After the dishes are done, Nick and June are having their first argument in his bedroom. She’s trying to get information out of him. His silent stoic demeanor irritating as she demands answers. Nick explains that the hospital and rehab bills were astronomical. June chastises herself for never asking or wondering. They didn’t have health insurance. Josh had been in the ICU. It must be hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

Nick clenches his jaw, shaking his head, like he’s trying to decide if he should say something. 

June realizes that her whispered yelling isn’t getting anywhere, so she sits on his bed. Waiting. Listening. Watching his face. 

Nick nods to himself. “I’m taking a year off. From school.”

June’s stomach sinks, blood running cold. She blinks. Trying to make sense of the words he just said. 

“What?”

“I have to work full time. The part time jobs, they’re not enough. But there’s this group. They pay well. If I work for them too it’ll make ends meet. We have a payment plan with the hospital, it’ll workout. It’ll be enough.”

He looks up at June. His eyes resolute. Firm. His mind already made up. 

June sees everything he worked for in college slipping through his fingers, panic filling her heart. It isn’t fair. He’s so close to a better life. “What about your future?” She says softly. 

“My family is my future.” He says, nodding. “There is no future if we’re fucking homeless.”

June swallows, trying to help, do some damage control. 

“I can… I could ask my parents if we could… help with rent or…”

Nick smiles, sitting next to her. “I got this. It’s ok. Trust me, ok? It’s just for a year. Then I’ll finish up and graduate, ok?

June hugs him, nodding.


	23. Restrictions

June’s been acting weird. She hasn’t been herself for about a week now. She’s quiet. Irritable. Distracted. 

Nick finally asks her what’s wrong one night while she's studying in his room. She deflects, saying everything’s fine. But Nick knows her better than that. He can tell something’s bothering her. 

He scoots closer on the bed, taking her hands, waiting for her to open up. June stares at their joined hands, blinking back tears.

Nick softens his voice to barely a whisper. “Hey, talk to me.” He asks, rubbing tiny circles on the backs of her hands with his thumbs. 

She finally blurts it out. “I couldn’t get my birth control.” 

“What?” Nick scoffs, caught off guard.

June’s nodding, relieved this conversation is finally happening. She’d tried to leave Nick out of it. He had enough on his plate lately. But it felt good to finally share this burden with him. 

Nick sits stunned, waiting for her to continue. 

“They passed a law. Birth control can only be used by married women. It’s illegal otherwise. No more Plan-B, none of it unless you’re married.”

Nick’s shaking his head, eyes narrowing, working out solutions in his head. “It’s ok- I’ll get more condoms. It’s not a problem, I don’t mind.”

June’s shaking her head. He doesn’t understand. “_All of it_ _is illegal now._ Condoms too. Unless you’re married. You need a prescription and a marriage certificate or the pharmacist won’t fill it.”

“What the fuck?” Nick mutters under his breath, blinking heavily. His brow furrows together. “Can they do that?” 

June shrugs. “They did- it’s the law now. It’s fuckin’ crazy. There are protests planned for this weekend, but it won’t change anything.”

They sit in heavy silence. Neither wanting to acknowledge the elephant in the room. What it would mean for them going forward. 

Nick swallows thickly. “So, you’re...um…”

June nods. “I ran out. I’m off it. We’ve gotta be really careful.”

Nick nods. Admittedly not knowing what that means except avoiding sex altogether. Which sounds like a fate worse than death. His mind wars with itself. The logical part winning out. At least for now. “Yeah… we… should wait.”

June nods, knowing he’s right. “Yeah we can’t afford a kid right now.” 

June continues nodding but she feels sick. Something about these statements feels wrong. Just fundamentally wrong for them. Unfair and fucked up and horrible. She feels anger rising again. She closes her eyes and clenches her teeth. Outraged at the injustice of it all. 

Nick is murmuring something under his breath, hands squeezing hers softly. June blinks and looks up, his gaze is fixed on hers. His eyes wide open and earnest. 

“What?” she asks

Nick says it again, a little more certain this time. “I do want that some day.”

June searches his face, needing to understand. Hoping he’s saying what she thinks he’s saying. “Want what?” 

“A family. With you.” He says, just a hint of a smile in his eyes. 

June pulls him into a hug, tears stinging her eyes. She nods and whispers “I want that too. So much.”

Nick nuzzles closer to her neck, his eyes clenched shut, holding her tight. Relieved beyond words that she feels the same.


	24. Abandon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and June get lost in eachother.

As June started her final semester of college, Nick started his time with the Sons of Jacob.

The admissions office at University of Michigan promised he could start back whenever he was ready. He was in excellent academic standing so they agreed to hold his spot for 5 years. His class credits and scholarships would be there when he got back. 

He didn’t talk about the job much. June finally pressed him and he described it as “half Boy Scouts and half ROTC.” 

June had no experience with either. Boy scouts made her think of church and community service. She asked Nick if SOJ was religious and he got quiet. Admitting that it was weird, but their hearts were in the right place. 

She had to look up ROTC. Reserve Officer Training Corps. A military leadership training program. Lots of running, physical fitness training, weapons and strategy training.

His hours were long. He got home late, exhausted, crawling right into bed and falling asleep almost instantly. Sometimes before even getting undressed. Some nights he even fell asleep before texting June to say goodnight. 

She could tell- whatever he was doing- was taking a toll on him. Physically and emotionally. 

June tried her best not to be selfish. She tried to ignore the emptiness in her chest. But being separated from Nick felt terrible. It was like she’d lost her best friend. Like having a hole in her heart. She missed everything about him. His terrible jokes. His wry smile. Their stolen kisses over lunch, walking home together at the end of the day. She missed all of it. 

\-----------------------

One friday afternoon she bikes to his house after class to surprise him. Knowing he’d be too tired to hang out but hoping to spend some time together the next morning. He isn’t home when she gets there but she lets herself in and studies in his room- surprised when he still isn’t home at 8pm. She eventually falls asleep on his bed, Rebel curled up at her feet. 

June wakes up when the front door opens. The puppy scurries off down the hallway to greet Nick. She hears Nick take off his coat, shoes- dropping his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter. He goes straight to the bathroom. She hears the faucets creaking as he starts a shower, and the clink of his belt and pants hitting the floor. 

June yawns, rubbing her eyes. The bedside alarm clock reads 10:15pm. 

June gets up, crossing her arms in front of her chest as a shiver runs through her. 

She pads to Nick’s bedroom door and peeks down the hallway. Rebel’s asleep on the living room couch, and the bathroom door is cracked open. 

She’s torn. She knows Nick needs to unwind. She knows she should crawl back in his bed and just wait for him. Give him a moment to himself. 

But she can’t stand waiting another second to see him. It’s been over a week- the longest they’ve been apart since they started dating. 

The pull is too strong.

She lets herself into the bathroom, closing and locking the door quietly behind her. 

There’s no movement from the other side of the shower curtain. The only light is from a plug-in night light by the sink. The air is warm and steamy, giving the space a dreamy ambiance. 

His clothes are in a pile on the floor. His new uniform is all black. Black cargo pants, black belt, black shoes, black polo shirt, black sweater, black tie. 

June undresses quietly, slipping out of her clothes and dropping them on top of his. 

June steps quietly to the far end of the shower, sliding the plain plastic curtain aside and stepping into the tub behind Nick. 

He’s leaning with both hands on the wall, his scalp in the stream of hot water, letting it run down his neck and shoulders. He looks exhausted. He still hasn’t acknowledged June’s presence. 

She shivers. The cold air chilling her. She steps forward to join him under the hot water. “Hey” she says softly, putting a hand on his back. “Hey” he murmurs, straightening and wiping the water from his face. 

June steps closer, wrapping her arms around his chest and holding him tight, leaning her cheek against his back. Soothed by the steady thud of his heartbeat against her face and the warmth of his skin against hers. She closes her eyes. She’d missed him so much. 

He hugs her arms with his. They both sigh, relaxing into the moment. 

Nick turns around to face her. 

June is reminded of their first night together. The water droplets in his hair catching the low flickering light. The exhilaration of being naked together. So exposed- and yet so safe. The air heavy with desire.

Nick leans down, pressing his forehead to hers. He sighs as his eyelids flutter closed.

June nuzzles closer, overcome by even this light touch. Comforted by his presence, by his sweet warm breath mixing with hers. 

Nick pulls away, watching her with lidded eyes, burning for her. Weary but wanting. 

June steps closer, putting her lips on Nick’s. 

Her hands rise, gently cupping his face. She kisses him softly. Their kisses deepen, breaths quickening as they come back to each other. 

Nick’s hands slide slowly down her back, carefully but decisively pulling her hips to his. 

This small movement finally bridges the distance between them. Not just the physical space between their bodies- but the emotional chasm that Nick’s job had wedged between them.

His hard length is pressed between them. It feels unspeakably good to be this close again, and it's safe. This isn’t sex. There’s no danger in touching like this. 

They let their guards down a bit as these realizations wash over them. They sigh into their kisses, gently rediscovering each other’s hips and backsides, squeezing, moaning softly. Intoxicated. 

Abstinence had seemed the only solution- but it had been torture. It wasn’t going to work for them. It’s clear in this moment that they _ need _ the comfort of each other’s bodies. 

The heat between them grows with every passing second. Nick’s breaths are shallow and ragged. His left hand moves to June’s lower back, holding her close as his right hand slips between their bodies. His touch is gentle, reverent but confident, stroking softly between her legs. 

June whimpers, pulling his face to hers, kissing him desperately. Her legs go weak. She clings to his shoulders as he pleasures her with gentle fingertips. 

“Nick…” she gasps against his mouth, dazed and desperate. 

“I missed you” he whispers, trailing hungry kisses up her neck as he fingers her. He kisses her cheek, her lips, finding her eyes, chest heaving, dark eyes watching her- simmering with need.

June is overwhelmed with an urgent desire to make him feel as good as she feels. 

She drops to her knees, kissing his thighs and belly hungrily, sliding her hands to his ass and pulling his hips to her. Mirroring the intensity of his desperate kisses with her own. 

Nick always gave her oral pleasure before they made love. Somehow she’d never reciprocated. He’d never asked. 

Nick sees what she’s doing and lifts her face toward his, swallowing thickly. “You don’t have to do that” he whispers with a slight shake of his head. 

But June ignores him, taking his length in her hand, kissing the tip softly. She looks up to check in and he’s staring down at her, chest rising and falling quickly, face unreadable. He tucks her hair behind her ear lovingly.

June smiles. “It’s ok” she whispers, kissing down his length. “I want to.” She licks the tip and his hand flies to her shoulder, gripping tightly. She looks up again and his lips are pressed together, brows cinched tight in ecstasy. 

Seeing how erotic this is for him makes June blush. 

She files this fact away for later. 

She takes him in her mouth, moving slowly in and out, savoring the softness and taste of his clean skin. Moaning softly herself. Nick’s body has stiffened and he’s barely breathing.

She sucks down lightly and his hips jerk away from her, hissing through clenched teeth. She continues pleasuring him with her mouth- savoring the gasps and moans that she pulls from him. Incredibly aroused to hear him like this. Finally understanding the pleasure it gives him to go down on her. 

Nick’s a mess. Breaths tight and shallow, grip tightening on her shoulder until he snaps- pulling her to standing, backing her against the shower wall and kissing her feverishly. Moaning into her mouth like a man possessed. He’s picking her up, pressing her into the wall, hands behind her thighs, moving against her as urgent whimpers fall from his lips. 

June can’t breathe or think, her mouth is open in awe as he ravishes her mouth. 

She’s moving too, best she can- grinding and rocking against his hard manhood. So close to ecstasy. Their skin slick and wet and hot. But it’s not enough. They need to be closer. Their bodies shift and he’s at her entrance, sinking inside. He thrusts forward, sheathing himself in her heat, kissing her passionately. They’re finally making love. Bathed in relief. 

Then Nick remembers, cursing under his breath. He freezes and tries to disentangle himself. June clamps her legs around his waist, keeping him inside her. Nick winces, voice faltering. “No. We’ve gotta stop. We can’t…” but June is silencing his protests, kissing him and moving her hips, fucking him harder. Nick is frozen, trying to breathe. June cups his face, pressing her forehead to his- her dazed needy eyes begging. “Don’t stop. I need you” she whimpers. And Nick can’t fight it anymore and he kisses her back, hips pumping into her hard and deep, and he’s coming inside her, brows clenched, mouth open against hers. His body frozen and rigid and trembling and she’s clamping around him and coming too and it’s a blindingly intense climax for both of them. 

They come back to themselves slowly. The sounds of the shower water, the flickering nightlight. Nick pulls out, blinking heavily, turning off the water and wrapping a towel around his waist, tossing June a towel and grabbing their clothes. 

They dry off and walk to his room, locking the door behind them.

Nick’s sitting on his bed, head in his hands. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks, only then realizing what just happened. She’s been so lost in the moment she’d forgotten she wasn’t on the pill anymore. She claps her hand over her mouth and sits next to him. “Oh my God.” 

Nick sits frozen, infuriated with himself. 

June rubs his back. “Hey, it’s ok.”

Nick shakes his head. “I’m so sorry.” 

June’s pissed. Blinking back bitter tears. Angry that their beautiful moment was ruined by fucking politics and adult shit. She pulls a deep breath, trying to calm down.

She wants to be honest. To tell him that she didn’t mind if they got pregnant. That there’d never be a perfect time. That she wanted him forever and she couldn’t live without loving him. But she knows none of that will help right now. Nick is a creature of logic. He needs something factual to hold onto. June softens her voice. “Look. We probably can’t anyway.” 

Nick looks up, not understanding. 

“People can’t get pregnant anymore, remember? It’s really hard. It doesn’t just happen anymore.” 

Nick lowers his eyes, nodding. Acknowledging this fact but refusing to let himself off the hook that easily. 

He finds her eyes, needing her to hear him. “I’m sorry.” 

She smiles, taking his hand. “It’s ok.” 

He nods. Finally feeling heard. He pulls down the covers and they climb into bed together. He spoons her, rubbing her arm reassuringly. June falls asleep quickly. 

Nick lies awake. 

Worried. 


	25. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick's new routine, and a memory of how it all started.

Nick’s eyes open in the darkness. He reaches to the bedside table, feeling for his glasses. He puts them on, bringing the red numbers on his alarm clock into focus. 3:58am. Time to get up. 

The alarm hadn't gone off yet. It's set for 4 am. That’s when he needs to get up to catch the city bus at 4:30, to make it to the training center on time. Nick flips the clock off. He won’t be needing it. He hasn’t needed it for weeks. His internal clock has accepted this new schedule. He always wakes up a few minutes before his alarm.

He sits up, pushing his glasses to his forehead to rub his eyes. He lingers just a moment longer in bed. Enjoying the last of the heat for the day. Michigan is still frozen solid. Sunrise is hours away.

He glances over to June, sleeping peacefully. She’d spent the night more and more lately in an attempt to get what little time she could with Nick.

She’d been asleep in his bed last night when he got home, and he doesn’t have the heart to wake her this early. He slips out of bed as quietly as he can, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. She stirs, rolling into the warm spot he’d left behind, hugging his pillow to her chest. Nick’s heart aches, wishing with his whole being that he could stay. That it was him she was pulling close to her. 

Nick showers quickly, pouring some fresh food and water into Rebel’s dog food bowls. Even the puppy with unlimited energy needed a few more hours of sleep. Likely curled up in his dad’s bed, fast asleep. He sets the coffee maker to go off at 8am for his Dad and June.

Nick slips out of his house, buttoning his thick black peacoat to the top button, pulling his knit cap down over his ears and pulling his thick leather gloves on. It’s fucking freezing. He locks the door quietly and starts the brisk walk to the bus stop. 

There are 5 other guys from his neighborhood at his stop, but Nick’s always the first one there. They gather slowly, young men coming out of the shadows to stand under a streetlight. They’re also dressed all in black. They never talk at this time of day, each standing alone, many with their eyes closed. Jaws clenched, muscles tensed against the cold. When the bus comes and they get settled, Nick stares out at the empty streets. No one in Ann Arbor is up at this hour. No families. No students. No businessmen. No one but the Sons of Jacob.

His eyes wander over the sleeping town. The endless darkness of the pitch black pre-dawn hours somehow makes the cold in his heart worse. It’ll be dark when he gets out too. _ So much darkness now. _ Nick closes his eyes, leaning his head against the window, trying to catch another half hour of rest. 

_ Nick was leaving the rehab, later than normal, 7 pm. _

_ He had to walk through the common room to get out, and there was a meeting in progress. _

_ A ring of folding chairs in a circle. The smell of fresh coffee. _

_ There was a man talking, leading the meeting. _

_ A guy in a suit. Mid 50s, early 60s. Soft voice, kind eyes. _

_ Everyone in the circle of chairs turned to welcome Nick to the group. _

_ Nick’s cheeks flushed with embarrassment. For interrupting, and for the misunderstanding. _

_ “No, I’m not here for the meeting. I don’t drink. Sorry, I’m just visiting my brother, sorry, I’ll just…” _

_ The leader stands and walks over to Nick, blocking his path with a wide smile. _

_ “This isn’t AA, son, and you’re right on time. Sit down, join us.” _

_ Nick shakes his head, not understanding. “Um, I…” _ _  
_ _ The man smiles widely. “Got time for a cup of coffee? Some dinner?” _

_He gestures to the long tables, full of catered sandwiches and fruit and bags of chips. “We’ve got more than enough.” _

_ Nick’s eyes narrow. Knowing there has to be some catch. _

_ The man, sensing this uncertainty holds out his hand to shake Nick’s. _

_ “I’m Mr. Pryce. Nice to meet you.” _

_ Nick shakes the offered hand. “Nick.” _

_ “Stay awhile. You might like what you hear. But get something to eat first. We’re just getting started.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I just need to say there's gonna be a lot of angst ahead. Just so people are aware. This will be more like cannon, but there will still be levity and fluff and smut to get us through. But this is the part where- if Nick didn't know June- cannon would be taking over.


	26. The Sons of Jacob

_ Pryce introduced the SOJ as nationwide non-profit service organization. _

_ It might as well have been an AA meeting, for all the talk of God and charity. _

_ Pryce spoke of faith, hope, forgiveness. A fresh start. _

_ None of these lofty goals interested Nick, although he found no fault with them. _

_ The mis-quoted bible verses made him a little uneasy. _

_ But when Pryce started talking about opportunities for career advancement he had Nick’s attention. _

_ Pryce outlined a one year training program, physical, mental, and spiritual. _

_ It would be intensive, but when it was complete they would be part of a national network. They would always have work even if they moved. It was “like a family.” Pryce used that word a lot. He told them they would be compensated well, that the group rewards loyalty. When he casually mentioned the pay rate, the men in the group shifted in their seats. It was four times what Nick was making at his two part-time jobs. His mind raced, running some quick numbers. It would be enough. To make it work. To make ends meet. Without losing the house. _

_ His eyes returned to Mr. Pryce, this harmless middle aged man with the kind eyes. _

_ Talking of God and service and family. _

_ Nick asked where the money came from. _

_ It didn’t fit. If they were a non-profit how could they pay so well? _

_ Pryce smiled kindly as he spoke of generous benefactors who believed in their cause. _

_Nick sat back, trying to ignore the unrest churning in his stomach. _

Nick was jolted back to consciousness when the bus parked and opened its doors, letting frigid air in from outside. He blinked, bracing himself for the day, standing quickly and filing out with the other young men. Into the renovated highschool the SOJ had converted into a training center. The sun still wasn’t up. His breath left white clouds in the morning air.

All recruits had gone through basic health screenings, blood tests and background checks. They had signed a non-disclosure agreement. They were legally bound not to discuss the activities of the group. 

There were rules. Violation of the rules would lead to dismissal from the group. No drug or alcohol use. No cursing. No cell phones. No mention of the group on social media. Sex outside marriage strongly discouraged.

There were reasons for all of these “guidelines.” Health and fitness. Discipline. Those were the reasons they gave for all of it. The early mornings. The workouts. The rigid schedule. 

The first paycheck was a major relief. Pay was every Friday. He made in a week what he used to make in a month. He focused on that and let the rest of it glaze over. The days were repetitive. 

  * 5am: Sign-in
  * 5:30: Breakfast
  * 6am: Morning Prayers
  * 6:30: Morning run
  * 7am - Noon: Service Work. 
  * Noon-1: Lunch 
  * 1 - 4pm: Service Work
  * 4 - 5pm: Evening Run
  * 5pm: Dinner
  * 6pm: Evening Prayer
  * 7-9 pm: Education

The work was repetitive. The mornings reminded him of his church youth group- preparing and handing out meals, organizing donated clothes. It was his favorite part of the day. The afternoons were different. Receiving supplies for the organization. Everything came in unlabeled boxes. He spent his afternoon sorting and inventorying supplies. 

The evening education was the only time he remembered his initial misgivings. They were lectures, taped educational videos- that reminded him of Fox News. Simmering with anger. Anger at the government. Anger at how far our country had fallen. Nick would rest in the darkened cafeteria, allowing his mind to wander as the light from the TV flickered over his face.


	27. Lazy Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a brief moment together

Its Saturday morning.

June wakes up slowly, realizing there’s a warm body under her arm instead of the cold pillow she’d grown accustomed to. 

She smiles to herself. Nick finally has a day off and they’ll be spending it together. She stays in bed with him, cuddled up to his side, soaking in his warmth. Wanting to talk, wanting to touch him, but content just to watch his chest rising and falling evenly. She lets him sleep until almost noon, knowing how badly he needs the rest.

Nick finally stirs and shifts, stretching deeply. He senses June and a smile crosses his face. He blinks sleepily, wincing at the sunlight that blinds him when he opens his eyes. “Hey” he whispers, voice low and gravely. “Hey” she murmurs back with a smile. 

Nick sighs contentedly, closing his eyes and pulling her tight to his chest. Tracing tiny circles on her back with his fingertips. June sighs contentedly, playing absently with his hair. 

After a few minutes of this, Nick shifts, lifting June’s chin and kissing her. Pressing his lips against hers softly. June moans into the kiss, returning it and caressing his cheek. It feels like heaven.

It’s just a sweet morning kiss, but neither of them want it to stop. June shifts closer, pressing her hips against Nick’s. They start moving against each other, just a little at first, and it feels incredible even though they’re both still fully clothed. Nick’s breath catches as the friction between them awakens his longing. 

He rolls to his back, pulling June up to ride him. June kisses Nick feverishly, moaning into his mouth. He grips the thick fabric of her jeans, pulling, guiding her, urging her to grind against him. June does, rocking her pelvis, rubbing against his stiffening cock. Nick slides his hands up under her shirt, over her bra, squeezing her breasts, lost in her body. He makes the mistake of remembering the time they made love right here in his bed, in this exact position. He can still remember exactly how it felt. His cock aches, growing even harder at the thought. Nick presses his head back into his pillow with a groan.

June smiles and whispers against his lips. “Do you think you could come like this?” Nick’s dark eyes find hers. He sits up, kissing her urgently, breaking it to whisper back. “I could come right now just from looking at you.” He kisses her again and June whimpers to hear that, impossibly turned on by the intensity of his passion for her. He continues unbidden- whispering that her sounds drive him crazy. This naturally draws a fresh round of moans from June.

Nick rolls quickly, flipping June to her back. He lays beside her, one leg thrown over hers. He kisses up her neck softly, slowly unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans. Continuing the slow pulsing rhythm of his hips against her thigh. She can feel his fullness, and it's impossibly arousing. She arches her neck, body tensing. Nick kisses her hard, forcing her head back into the pillow as he slips his hand under her panties. He traces her with reverence and growing intensity, just the way she likes. June is gripping his shirt, his shoulders, clinging to him, bucking her hips against his hand, moaning continuously. She unbuttons his pants and slips her hand under his shorts, surrounding his fullness and moving her hand in time with his. Nick’s eyes clench shut. 

June kisses his face, whispering “I wanna go with you. Tell me when you’re close.” Nick moans, kissing her furiously, thrusting his hips into her hand, and it doesn’t take long. Tiny whimpers grow louder as they chase bliss together. When Nick is seconds from the edge he breaks their kiss, nuzzling against her. “Oh...June…” His eyebrows clench hard, he buries his face in her neck, pumping his hips harder, his body moving beyond conscious control. He rubs tight quick circles over her clit and June is kissing him and crying out and they come together, slowing their movements slowly as they catch their breath. 

June lays against his heaving chest, plagued by a feeling of grief. She’s unable to stop tears from forming in her eyes. 

Nick hears the change in her breathing and shifts to look at her face. “You ok?” He asks. June takes a shuddery breath and hugs him tighter. Not wanting to voice whats in her mind. 

“Hey- what’s wrong? Talk to me.” He says, pulling her chin up so she has to look at him. His concern growing as he sees the tears dotting her eyelashes. 

June stares into his dark eyes. She stays silent, not wanting to ruin their moment. 

“June, you’re scaring me.” He says, eyes searching hers.

“It’s spring break next week.” June says, lip quivering before she hugs him tight again. 

Nick laughs in relief. “That’s it?” 

“Don’t laugh! I have to go home and I really don’t want to!”

Nick pets her hair reassuringly, fighting a smile. “I won’t even be here, you won’t miss anything…”

“I know...I just hate everything right now.” 

Nick nods. “I know. It’s just for a little while.”

June nods, clenching her eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears. Trying to focus on the warmth of his body, and the weight of his arm around her.


	28. Waiting up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick's dad is worried.  
June’s missing Nick over spring break

Nick yawns as he walks up the steps to his front porch, digging for his keys in his pocket. His eyelids are heavy. He checks his watch, 10pm. 

He locks the door behind him, toeing off his shoes and hanging his jacket up. 

“Hot date?”

“Jesus!" Nick jumps when he hears a voice right behind him- not expecting anyone to be up this late.

"No... just work”

His dad frowns, bushy brows cinching together. He points toward the living room with his thumb. “Sit down. Talk to me a second.”

Nick follows him, sitting on the couch across from the recliner. 

His dad is staring at him. “Son, this isn’t normal. I worked three jobs when you were little and I was home more than this. Who are these people anyway?”

“It’s a non-profit service organizati…” 

His dad cuts him off with a scoff, shaking his head. “Non profits can’t pay like that, son.” He holds Nick’s gaze, his expression serious. “Something doesn’t fit. Are they running drugs?”

As if cued by the mention of drugs, Josh wanders out of his bedroom, leaning against the kitchen counter. Nick and his dad turn to look at him. He holds his hands up, mumbling that he’s just looking for something to eat.

“No, it’s boxes of food and baby clothes.”

“Have you _ looked _in the boxes yourself?”

Nick shakes his head. “It’s just another 3 months dad.”

“I don’t like it.” Mr. Blaine says, shaking his head. “It’s fishy. I don’t trust it.”

Nick shrugs. No reassurance to give his dad. 

Mr. Blaine rises and goes to his bedroom. Slamming his door. 

Josh sits down next to Nick. “What was that about?”

“Dad thinks the Sons of Jacob is bad news.”

“What do you think? Do you trust them?”

Nick glares at Josh, but it softens into a smile. “I don’t trust _ anybody, _you know that.”

Josh musses his hair affectionately. “Well, listen- if you need me to beat anybody up for you, just let me know. Like… what was that kid’s name in 5th grade?”

Nick rolls his eyes, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “Jackson Parker.”

“Jackson Parker, that’s right.” Josh imitates his younger self, pointing a finger and shouting “You stay away from my brother, you little shit!”

They smile for a second before Nick yawns again, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

Josh stares at him a second longer. “Seriously tho. If you’re ever in trouble, tell me, ok?”

Nick looks at him, not used to this kind of serious talk from his older brother.

“I talk to Anna about everything now. It’s helping. It really is.”

Nick nods, touched. “Thanks. I will.”

Josh rises, taking a big bite out of the apple he’d taken from the kitchen. Gathering his coat and keys, pulling his shoes on.

Nick’s brow furrows. “Where you going so late?”

Josh flashes his beautiful carefree smile and winks. “Out.”

He pulls the door closed before Nick can get any more information. 

\-----------------------------------------------

Nick climbs into bed, grabbing his cellphone from his bedside table. He flips it open. There’s a text from June asking him to call her.

She picks up on the first ring. She sounds like she’s been crying. Nick sits up in bed, asking her what’s wrong. 

“I just miss you.” She says, voice breaking. 

Nick’s eyes clench shut as he runs his hand over his hair. He’d tried to get time off, but his request was denied. He’s tempted to accept the consequences and head to Boston tonight. Hearing her like this is painful for him. 

June sniffs. “Can you talk to me for a little bit?”

Nick lays back down. “Of course. How was your day?”

“Shitty.” June says, laughing. “My parents are never around, it’s like I’m not even here.” 

Nick nods. 

June’s voice changes. “What are you doing right now?” 

“What do you mean?”

“...you know what I mean. Where are your hands?”

Nick smirks. “Holding the phone.”

“Both of them?” 

“The other one’s behind my head.” Nick feels his heartbeat quickening. “Where do you want them to be?”

“On my body.” June murmurs… slipping a hand between her legs. 

“What _ part _ of your body?” Nick asks

“Where would you touch me- if you were here?” June asks.

“I’m not good at this stuff June…”

“Just tell me what you’d do. Touch yourself and tell me what you’d do. If you were here.”

Nick shifts, unbuttoning his pants, slipping his hand inside, stroking his half-hard cock through his underwear. “I’d.. kiss you…”

June moans, bucking into her hand. The sound sends chills down Nick's spine. He tugs his cock, stifling a groan. 

“I wish you were here to kiss me...I love your mouth...your lips…” 

“_Fuck_, I want you.” He murmurs, holding the phone with his shoulder, pushing his pants and shorts off his hips, taking his erect cock in his hand and pumping it slowly.

“I want you too..” June moans. “Come here. Get in bed with me.” 

“_Fuck_” Nick says- hand moving faster, hips thrusting into his hand. “June…”

“Are you hard?”

“God yes.”

“Are you touching it?” 

“Yes” Nick grits out

“I’m so wet for you, Nick...I need you inside me…”

“Put your fingers in...pretend they’re mine”

June does, gasping and moaning as she fucks herself

“Can you feel me?” Nick asks, voice rough and raspy “does that feel good?”

“Nick...”

“Come on my fingers. I want to feel you squeeze them”

June is silent, coming hard around her hand. 

Nick’s eyes snap open: “You ok?”

June rolls to her side, eyes fluttering open as a devilish smile crosses her lips. 

“Your fingers are all wet, baby… you have my cum all over your hand now can you feel it? Spit on your hand so you can feel it.”

Nick groans, complying with her request, overwhelmed with the feeling of slick skin on skin and June’s silky voice in his ear. He comes seconds later. 

They fall asleep on the phone an hour and several climaxes later.


	29. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June is miserable at home over spring break.  
Her mom provides some unexpected guidance.

June wakes up in her childhood twin bed in Boston, blinking sleepily. Her eyes focus absently on the black and white poster on her wall. Backstreet Boys. The first concert she went to as a kid. 

She rolls over with a groan. Her back aches because the mattress is shitty. Thin and overused. She’d kicked the covers off during the night and the room is freezing. She pulls the blanket back up over her, closing her eyes and trying to remember her dream._ It was good. What the fuck was it? _She lets her mind wander, trying to find her way back into it.

_ The feelings come back first. _

_ Warmth. Joy. Safety. _

_ Then she remembers. _

_ A field. Wildflowers. _

_A quilted blanket. _

_ Her and Nick are having a picnic. _

_ It isn’t a place she’s been before. _

_ It’s somewhere new. _

_ Somewhere wild and free. _

_ And there’s a baby. _

_ No. Not a baby. _

_ A toddler. Maybe 18 months old. _

_ A little girl with dark curly hair like Nick’s. _

_ Blue eyes like her own. _

_ The child is running to them, laughing, clutching daisies in her tiny fists. _

_ And Nick scoops her up, holding her up against the clear blue sky. _

_ His smile just as big and bright as his daughter’s. _

  
  


June can see it. The images are clear as day. 

_ Fuck. It was just a dream. _

She knows that now. And the knowledge hurts. There’s no baby. She hasn’t really been with Nick for ages. They're not happy. They're not together. She's completely fucking alone. 

June throws back her comforter, rising quickly and heading to the bathroom. Angry. So fucking angry. She slams the bathroom door, locking it and sliding down to sit with her back against it. She doesn’t even try to stop her tears. Feelings aren’t welcome in her house, but no one’s awake yet. _ Fuck it. Maybe I’ll feel better if I just have a good cry. _

But as soon as her head sinks into her hands, there’s a knock on the door. 

_ Of all the fucking times mom wants to interact, this had to be it? _June sighs, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat. “Who is it?”

“You ok, June-bug?”

_ No mom. Not fucking ok. Clearly. _

“Yeah. Fine.”

“Can you unlock the door, sweetie?”

June rolls her eyes hard. She stands and opens the door. Her mom walks past her, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her brow etched with concern. After a pause she asks softly “are you late?”

June looks directly at her mother for the first time all week. “What?”

“Mood swings are a symptom of early pregnancy. In my line of work, women are pregnant until proven otherwise. I’ve never seen you cry before. Have you missed a period?”

June scoffs. “No. I’m not _ late _. I just…” despite her best efforts her lip trembles uncontrollably. “...miss him.”

Her mom nods. “So go back to Ann Arbor.”

June stares at her, not understanding. “What?”

“Look, I was your age once, I get it. You love him. My first real boyfriend- being away from him was like torture. I don’t have anything big planned for you here. It was great to see you- but if you’re this miserable, you should head back today.”

June sniffs loudly. “Really?” 

Her mom nods. “It’s what I would do if I were in your shoes. Hold on a second. I’ve got something for you.”

June’s mom stands, leaving the bathroom and returning a few minutes later with a shoe box full of pregnancy tests. 

“You’re stressed. You may be late this month. If you’re late, use one of these a few days after your missed period. Pregnancy tests are really accurate. Nothing else in the world makes that chemical except a baby. So if it’s positive, give me a call, ok? And for God’s sake, use condoms.” 

June laughs. “They’re illegal, mom!”

“There may or may not be a box of condoms on your passenger seat. Don’t report me. I don’t want to go to jail.”

June has fresh tears in her eyes. She stands and hugs her mother. “Thanks mom.”

\--------------------------------------

June decides to surprise Nick. She doesn’t tell him she’s driving back from spring break early. 

It’s Saturday, his one day off a week. It’s near dark by the time she pulls up and parks in front of his house. She turns the radio off and pulls out her cell phone- a smile crossing her lips as she texts him. 

**J: Look outside.**

Her heart races as she watches his window. 

Seconds later Nick pulls his curtains back, peering outside.

By the time June gets out of her car, he’s crossed his yard to wrap her in a hug. She feels giddy having his arms back around her. He feels like home. He’s wearing jeans and a blue U of M hooded sweatshirt. He hadn’t stopped to put shoes on, but doesn’t seem to mind the cold on his bare feet. Nick nuzzles against her neck, soaking in the warmth of her embrace. After several long moments he murmurs “everything ok?”

“It is now.” She says, pulling him tighter. 

Nick turns his face, planting a soft kiss on her neck. Then one on her jaw bone. Then her cheek, and then his lips have found her mouth and he’s holding her face in his hands gently. They’re kissing deeply and it’s getting heated. Nick’s losing himself in it, walking her backwards until she’s backed up against the passenger door of her car. He’s kissing her urgently, never letting go of her face. When she breaks away for air, he continues kissing the soft skin of her neck. 

“Get a room!!!”

They hear Josh yelling at them from the open front door before shutting it. 

Nick’s eyes blink open and they’re midnight black, dilated and hungry. He smiles at her. “Everyone’s home.” He whispers, his mouth opening again, as if he’s battling the urge to kiss her again right then. 

June’s heart flutters to see him so wild for her. “My place.” June says, breathing fast. “My roommate’s gone all week. You need to get anything from inside?”

Nick smirks and shakes his head. Eyes roaming her features like she’s edible.

June fights a grin and drops a quick peck on his lips. “You need shoes, babe.” 

Nick’s eyebrows wrinkle together and he looks down, realizing for the first time that he’s barefoot. He rolls his eyes. “Fine. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” 

June nods, her chest aching with affection for her hot mess of a boyfriend. 

\--------------------------------------

She doesn’t remember the drive or getting up the flights of stairs to her apartment. It flies by in a blur.

Nick carries her suitcase and she carries the two shoe boxes of illegal supplies her mother had given her. 

But as soon as they get inside her apartment, the world slows down. Her heart hammers in her chest, almost painfully hard. Her breathing is shallow and her hands are trembling as she locks her door. She sets the boxes down, removes her shoes and jacket. 

She feels his hands on her. He's standing behind her, sliding his hands over her hips, rediscovering the curves he had missed so much. Palms gentle, radiating warmth through her clothing. Her eyes clench shut and she melts into his touch. He wraps his arms around her waist and hugs her, burying his face in her shoulder. She holds his arms, hugging him back. 

They hadn’t been alone- truly alone- in weeks. Their stolen moments at his house were hushed and brief. But here in her darkened apartment, they’re finally alone together. There's no rush. No one to stop them. The freedom is intoxicating. 

June turns around, finding Nick’s mouth and kissing him. Gently at first, but within seconds it's turned urgent. Her legs are weak. She has to cling to his shoulders to keep her balance. Nick’s arms wrap instinctively around her waist, pulling her in tight, supporting her as he walks them toward her bedroom- his lips never leaving hers. 

Once they’re inside, he nudges her door shut with his foot, and they’re enclosed in the darkness of her bedroom. Ribbons of light from the streetlamps outside streak across her bed, casting just enough light to see. It feels like a sacred space, silent aside from their heavy breathing in the darkness. June’s hands stray from Nick’s shoulders, smoothing across his chest, down his abdomen to work on his belt buckle. Eager to remove every stitch of clothing between them. 

Nick tenses, stepping backwards.

“What?” June asks, not understanding. “What’s wrong?”

Nick shakes his head, swallowing thickly. “We shouldn’t.” His voice is rough and gravely. Wrecked with desire.

June’s brows cinch together. “Why not? I don't understand what you're saying..."

Nick shakes his head again, looking at the floor. He takes her hands, rubbing tiny circles with his thumbs. Unable to find the right words, he sits on the bed, pulling her down to sit next to him. He looks at her, taking another second, trying to find the best way to say it, finally shaking his head. 

“I want you... _so much_, June...and... I don’t know if I can control myself right now. Just let me take care of you tonight, ok?”

Her eyes dart back and forth between his, her face softening as she understands what he’s saying. _You’re saying we can’t get pregnant and you’re afraid it’ll go too far again._ _You’re so fucking GOOD, Nick._ _How are you so good?_

Her lust spikes. Molten hot in her veins. She needs him more in that moment than she ever has. She opens her mouth, closing it again. Unable to piece even two words together. 

She stands, leaving her bedroom and returning a moment later with a condom in her hand. She holds it up, her eyes heavy on his. 

When Nick’s gaze moves from the condom, to her eyes, his lids lower, his pupils widen, and he stands, closing the distance between them. 

He kisses her with more heat than ever before. Frenzied, messy kisses- almost too rough in their intensity. His breath hot and shuddering against her. Nick always shaved with his evening shower. She’d come over before he’d had the chance and the stubble of his 5 o’clock shadow scratches her face but she doesn’t mind at all. He doesn’t smell like soap or aftershave. He doesn't taste like toothpaste. His skin, his mouth- taste better somehow. More like him. 

His hands are on her hips, hungry and hot, pulling her tight against him. She can feel him. Already hard. Thick and aching for her. A matching heat for him grows between her legs. Wet and throbbing.

June whimpers, deepening their kiss, and the sound breaks something primal inside him. 

Nick pushes her backwards, lifting her onto her desk, kissing her frantically. He finally breaks the kiss to suck in a breath and whisper against her lips. 

“I missed you so much.” 

June grabs his face, nodding as she kisses him back. 

Nick helps her out of her jeans, pulling them down her legs roughly, stripping off her underwear, her sweater and her bra in record time. He lifts her, carrying her to the bed, laying her down and climbing on top of her. She’s unhooking his belt, as he grinds between her legs, breath shuddering in the brief gasps he can collect between kisses. She shoves his pants and shorts down off his hips. He kneels, kicking his clothes the rest of the way off, and pulling his t-shirt off as well. 

He takes the condom from her hand, tearing the package open and rolling it down his length. He lays down on top of her, and his hard length is pressed between them, against her belly as he peppers her chest, collarbone and neck with kisses. Her hips buck up against nothing, wishing he was inside her already. The feeling of his hard cock on her skin drives her crazy. But Nick has other plans. He moves down her body, kissing skin, her chest, her belly.

June sees what he has in mind and pulls him up- face to hers- kissing him frantically. “I don't want to wait.” She whispers. 

Nick knows what she’s saying. He obliges her, settling his hips between her legs, moving himself to her center and pushing inside her.

They both cry out, frozen. Breaths shakier than they’d been their first time together. They still their hips, just breathing as they adjust. 

Once they’ve both calmed down a bit, Nick rolls his hips, pressing into her again. He’s feels... _ thicker _ somehow, and she’s _ tighter_, clenched around him, already gripping him. Their skin is burning hot -like a furnace even through the latex. Her moisture is all over his thighs and balls already. 

Nick is totally overwhelmed, gripping the sheet in his fists. Barely able to breathe. Trying not to explode and end it all too soon. His eyes are closed, his head ducked down, forehead resting against her shoulder, breathing through his nose, trying to think of anything besides the perfect heat surrounding his most sensitive nerves. June feels him trembling and runs her hands over his back, trying to calm him, just like she had the first time. Keeping her hips still. 

Nick slowly regains control, his breaths normalizing- and he nuzzles her cheek, kissing her neck, readjusting, lowering his weight to his elbows. Feeling his peak recede enough to move again. He thrusts again with a deep gorgeous groan.

He kisses her hard but breaks away seconds later, forehead to hers. “You feel so good” he breathes, before catching her lips in his again. Torn between his need to kiss her and his need to praise her. “I cant...its too... you’re too...” He murmurs, the words falling silent, replaced by moans. 

June grins, arching her hips to meet his next thrust. Nick hisses a breath between clenched teeth, “Mmmm…God...June.” His forehead presses to her shoulder again- defenseless against her. His voice drops to a deeper register. “Oh Fuck.”

June smiles, impossibly aroused by his loss of control.

She grabs his butt, squeezing the firm muscle sensuously before raking her nails over the soft skin. 

He shivers under her hands. 

June spreads her knees wide, opening herself to him, maximizing the pressure on her clit. She hums with pleasure at the improved angle of his pubic bone against her pelvis. She grinds her hips up and pulls on his ass. Guiding him into a thrust and grinding herself up into it. 

Nick winces, huffing out shallow breaths through his nose, his hips starting to move, following her lead, giving up control. Knowing he can’t possibly last, but unable to fight it any longer. Needing her as badly as she needs him. Needing surrender.

Once he’s taken over the thrusts, the way she showed him, she moves her hands to his strong shoulders, surrendering herself to him too, starting up her own mantra, “God yes, Nick - just like that. Please don’t stop…”

His hips are snapping against her wet core in a steady rhythm, automatic now, beyond his control. He couldn’t stop if he wanted to. It’s happening. They’re making love. Fast and desperate. 

“Oh God.” He groans.

“Please baby, don’t stop.”

“I can’t. I’m gonna...”

“Look at me. Look at me baby.”

Nick forces his eyes open, finding hers, his face a devastating mask of desire.

June fights to keep her gaze on his, but her eyes clench shut as her head pushes back into the pillow as the breath is ripped from her body. Her whole body spasms, locked tight with pleasure.

Nick watches her, helpless and silent as his own pleasure wracks through him too. His face a mask of agonized bliss. 

When they come back to each other, he falls over, laying beside her, panting. “How many of those things do you have?”

June smiles, trying to catch her breath. “Fifty.” She says, turning her head, looking at him with a naughty grin.

Nick nods, face serious. Considering this number.

“Should last us a couple days.”

June laughs and rolls over, kissing him deeply. 


	30. Proposals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @thismidnight for this beautiful chapter. 
> 
> Please leave comments to let her know what you think!

A few weeks later, Nick notices a change in June’s behavior.

She’s acting weird. Distracted. Withdrawn. Like she’s lost in her own mind. Fidgeting with her clothes like she’s insecure in her own skin. 

She’s not herself and Nick hates it. It always bothers him when she’s upset, but it’s even worse to see her struggling with something by herself. 

With the spring semester winding down and finals approaching, Nick assumes she must be overwhelmed by her classes. He gets an idea. On a rare weekday off he convinces her to blow off her afternoon classes so they can spend the afternoon together at his place, just them. No studying, no reading, just a mindless afternoon watching TV. They curl up together on the couch, sharing a blanket, with June leaning against one arm, her legs thrown across Nick’s lap. Rebel naps in his bed across the room.

It would be the perfect lazy afternoon- except that June’s not really there. Her eyes are vacant as she stares at the TV, biting her nails. 

She’s _ never _ bitten her nails before.

Nick sighs as he watches her, worried. He thought a day of distraction would be enough, but clearly, it isn’t. He taps his finger against his knee, coming up with another angle to try. He clears his throat and turns his head to June. 

“So I just got some good news at work.”

June turns toward him, her fingers falling away from her mouth. A flicker of something that looks like panic flashes in her eyes, but she says nothing. 

Nick continues. “I’ve earned a week of paid vacation. I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere at the end of summer before school starts again. Maybe… Florida? The beach?”

Nick feels himself talking too much so he stops, waiting for June to smile, to argue, to say something. But she says nothing, holding his gaze, her face etched with worry.

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” He continues. “Just the two of us.”

June’s breath hitches and hot tears start to slide down her cheeks. Immediately, Nick starts backpedaling. He sits up, shaking his head.

“We… we don’t have to go to Florida,” he stammers. “We can go anywhere. You decide.”

She shakes her head and wipes her eyes, sniffling, as she blows out a deep breath, dropping her head back to stare at the ceiling, pressing her lips together to stop them from quivering.

Nick watches her, puzzled. This isn’t June. She’s not herself. Whatever’s wrong, it’s bigger than finals. He starts rubbing reassuring circles on her knee. His brow wrinkles with concern and his voice softens to almost a whisper.

“Hey, June, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

She closes her eyes, sending a fresh stream of tears down her cheeks. She sits silently for a moment, taking two deep breaths through her nose before her eyes flutter back open as she looks at Nick, her eyes red and glassy.

“I’m pregnant.”

Nick freezes, unable to comprehend what he’s just heard. His jaw drops open as he sucks in a breath that catches in his lungs. His mind races, trying to process what June’s just said, his eyebrows knit together as his head starts to slowly shake, slowly, almost on its own. He can’t believe it. Of all the things he’d been expecting June to say, this hadn’t even made the list. 

Next to him, June shakes her head too as tears start to slide down her cheeks again. 

Immediately, Nick is back in the moment with her. 

“Hey.” He turns towards her, reaching for her hand. “It’s ok…” but June pulls away, taking her legs off his lap and curling them underneath her, crossing her arms over her chest.

She shakes her head as she sniffs, exhaling sharply. “It’s not.”

“June,” Nick’s voice is soft as he leans forward, desperate to help her, to reassure her, even though his own panic and concern is steadily rising, his head catching up with his heart.

She shakes her head and looks away, out the window, tracks of tears still visible on her cheeks as she swallows hard, brushing her hair back out of her face. Nick sits still next to her as he tries to process his own thoughts. 

  
He knows he should be worried. He knows he should feel more panicked, more lost. He knows he should be wondering how the hell they’re going to afford a baby. Where they’re going to live. What this means for June finishing school. What his dad will say. What _ her _ parents will say. But he can’t think about any of that.

Instead, all he can think about is a baby girl with his dark hair and her blue eyes, impossibly tiny and perfect, sleeping on his chest. And none of the other stuff matters. He knows they’ll figure it out. They’ve already navigated worse together. Now all he needs to do is convince her to see it too. 

He slides down off the couch, onto the floor, sliding over so he can kneel in front of June. She looks down at him, her face scrunched in confusion as he leans in, across her lap, so he can press the top of his head against her stomach. He closes his eyes as he feels June shift underneath him so she’s facing him, her curiosity getting the best of her. 

“Hey,” he whispers, raising his head slightly, placing his palm gently on her stomach, his eyes focused there too. He brushes his fingers across her shirt, his touch featherlight. “Can you tell your mom it’s okay? She won’t listen to me.”

He waits for a second before he tilts his head up to look at June, a small smile on his lips that falls when he takes in her watery eyes, her pursed lips. _ She’s still sad. _

“You don’t…” she trails off, shaking her head. “You don’t have to pretend.”

His eyes narrow and his face pinches together. _ Pretend? I’m not pretending. _

“I know this isn’t… it’s not what you...” She closes her eyes, steeling herself before she continues. “I don’t want to be an obligation.”

_ An obligation? _ Nick shakes his head, sitting upright, back on his heels, looking right at her. “You’re not.”

She rolls her eyes. “Not _ yet _.”

_ Not ever. _

He gets an idea. Without a second thought, he jumps to his feet. “I’ll be right back,” he reassures June before turning and hurrying back to his bedroom.

Quickly he makes his way over to his dresser, pulling open his sock drawer with so much force that an old baseball trophy on top topples over. He digs deep in the drawer, past the socks with long lost mates and holes to retrieve a small blue velvet pouch cinched closed with a satin drawstring from the back. He smiles, closing it up in his fist and slamming the drawer back closed. 

He makes his way back out to the living room where June’s tears have mostly dried up, replaced with confusion at his sudden exit. He steps back over to her and hands her the bag.

“Open it,” he says, his voice unwavering and certain.

With a deep breath, June loosens the drawstring and turns it upside down so the contents tumble out into her palm. 

A ring. Gorgeous. Simple- vintage styled. A delicate silver band woven into a Celtic love knot pattern on each side of a clear blue stone. Aquamarine._ My birthstone. _ June’s breath catches as she remembers their conversation about diamonds. How she hated them. The mining practices, the hidden misogyny in traditional wedding rituals...and how the conversation had turned to what she DID like- like irish claddagh rings that show if your heart was taken or available. She’d told him she hated gold but liked silver. That conversation was 6 months ago. _ He remembered. _ She thinks, her heart racing. She turns the ring over in her hand. It’s delicate, but the stone is huge. She’s never held anything this expensive. _ It’s too much. We can’t afford this. _

She shakes her head, closing the ring up in her hand. “Nick, how much was this?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he reassures her, but she knows him. She knows where he’s been, how he’s struggled. How everyone relies on him. 

She inhales sharply, about to insist that he reconsider. She doesn’t need a ring, all she needs is him. But then Nick kneels in front of her again and takes her free hand in his.

“Remember when I was working all that overtime?”

June nods, remembering. She’d hated it. For three weeks straight he’d worked 14 hour days, six days a week. She felt like she never saw him. He nods with her. 

“I bought it with that paycheck,” he admits, not taking his eyes off her. June’s eyes drift up from the ring to meet his. She’s never seen him quite so sure before. So serious.“I’ve had it for weeks. That’s why I was working so much. I’ve just been waiting for the right time.”

Her face softens as she takes him in, kneeling in front of her, feeling the tears start to sting in her eyes again as her heart swells. 

“I’m right where I want to be, June,” he says. “And you will _ never _be an obligation. I love you.” His eyes shimmer as he places a hand gently over her stomach. “Both of you.”

This finally seems to break through the air of heaviness in the room. June smiles at him a little as she tentatively places her hand on top of his, tangling their fingers together. She stares at their intertwined hands for a long second before her gaze drifts back to Nick. The sadness is gone from her eyes now. Her voice is soft. Tentative. “You _ want _to get married?”

A lightning bolt of panic strikes him. _ Shit. Does she even want to get married? We haven’t talked about it. Not seriously, anyway. _

His cheeks flush as he starts to shake his head. He clears his throat. “I mean… only if _ you _ want to. We don’t _ have _to.” He starts tripping over his words, attempting damage control.

June smiles widely as she frees her hands from his and reaches out, putting one hand on either side of his face, pulling him up into a kiss and sparing him the hopeless rambling. 

When they finally pull apart she leans her forehead against his, brushing her thumb on his cheek. She’s beaming, grinning from ear to ear.

“I want to,” she whispers. 

Nick pulls back, smiling a little as his eyes search hers, still doubting himself. “Really? We can wait. Or... you can just keep the ring.”

“_Nick _,” she pats her hand on his cheek. “Shut up.” 

And with that, she leans in and kisses him again before pulling away with another smile, her eyes shining. 

“Ask me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is a roller coaster. The next few chapters are gonna be darker. But don't forget, happy ending guaranteed.


	31. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick and June get married.

They call June's mom first.

Nick is next to June on his couch, hands resting on her leg. June’s hands shake as she dials the familiar number, her voice trembling as she shares the news about their engagement and the baby on the way. Saying it all out loud, she's amazed at how BIG it is. How everything's going to change. How insane it all is, and how much more worried she should be about the whole thing.

But she isn't scared. She's _excited_. 

June keeps glancing at Nick, who watches her intently. Relief floods Nick as he watches a wide smile overtake June's face. June’s mom asks to be put on speaker phone and they all laugh and cry together as her mom welcomes Nick to the family. 

Nick’s dad is a harder nut to crack. He’d never been one for talking about feelings, or talking much at all. He sits silently in the Blaine family living room, eyes closed, face unreadable as Nick tells him what he and June had decided to do and why. Nick does all the talking. June hears Nick’s voice, but not his words. She’s focused almost entirely on the feeling of her hand in his. June keeps looking down at their intertwined fingers and focusing on the warmth between Nick’s hand and hers. It’s calming. Nick’s thumb keeps drawing soft circles on the back of her hand. The tiny movement keeps her tethered to the earth.

_ He’s in this with me. We’re a team now. Everything’s gonna be ok. _

June looks up when Nick stops talking. Mr. Blaine is frozen, like a statue.

June glances at Nick, who squeezes her hand reassuringly, urging her to give him time to absorb the news. 

When Mr. Blaine’s eyes finally open, they’re full of tears. His face softens into a smile. He asks them if they’re sure they want to keep the baby. He looks relieved when they both nod vigorously. He spends a few minutes reminding Nick how much responsibility he’s signing up for, but quickly tells him he knows they can handle it. 

He stands, walking over to wrap them both in an awkward hug. 

—————-

Later that day Nick and June go downtown to get married. Just the two of them. They decide not to wait. They can't think of a reason to, and they don't have money or time for a big wedding. There's no discussion, they just want to make it official as soon as possible. So after a brief internet search they gather the necessary documents and head for the courthouse. 

They're sitting now on a hard wood bench in the government building, June’s hand is still held tightly in Nick’s. She notices that Nick’s leg is bouncing. He's staring at the floor with his eyes unfocused. Lost somewhere in his thoughts.

June smiles. “You ok?” 

Nick looks up and nods. “Yea, I just want to get it done. I don’t like waiting.”

June nods. 

A cloud crosses Nick’s eyes as something occurs to him. He turns to June, suddenly full of worry. “Are YOU ok? Are you...sure?” He starts, but June puts her finger on his lips, stopping him. 

“I’m sure.” She says softly. 

Nick swallows, fidgeting with his fingernail. “Are you nervous?” he asks. 

“Not about this.” She says. 

“Forever is a long time.” He says, his dark eyes locking on hers. So much unsaid in his eyes. The same self doubt she’d spent their entire relationship calming. 

“I know. I can’t wait.” She says, smiling. 

Nick sighs and nods, his wrinkled brow finally relaxing. “Me too. I wish they’d hurry.”

\-----------------------

The ceremony is incredibly simple. No suits or dresses. No rings. Just drivers licenses and signatures. They're back outside the courthouse minutes later, reeling from the anti-climax of the whole thing. 

Nick sits on a bench outside the courthouse, looking uncomfortable again. Distant. Closed off.

June sits beside him and asks what's wrong. 

Nick shakes his head, trying to find the right words. "I thought… they’d ask... for vows or something..."

He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small crumpled slip of paper. He turns it over in his fingers. June nods, tears falling down her cheeks. Nick was so guarded with words. She felt honored that he had prepared some for her today. 

After a long pause he asks "Is it, ok if I...read this to you?"

June nods, wiping her tears and taking his hand in hers. Tears shimmer in his eyes as he speaks to her. Not needing to read his script. Knowing the words by heart. 

_June- _

_I've wanted you from the first day I met you. _

_And every day since then I’ve fallen more and more in love with you. _

_You make me want to fight to make the world a better place for our family._

_I promise I will always protect you and our baby. _

_I promise to love you forever. Even when times are hard. _

_I promise to never give up on us. No matter what happens. I’ll always be there for you._

_Thank you for loving me. _

_Thank you for making me a better man._

June kisses him and whispers promises of her own. 

And when they make love that night in his tiny bed, it's different. Like something had changed between them. Heartbeats and movements synchronized in the darkness. Holding each other's gaze, eyes full of wonder. Kissing and touching softly. In awe of what they'd become. _Two flames burning together as one. _


	32. Breakdown

Nick sits outside Mr. Pryce’s office, fidgeting with his thumbnail, leg bouncing nervously. He’d asked for a meeting to discuss his completion of the SOJ program. 

_ I’m pregnant. Ask me. I do. _

A smile creeps over Nick’s face as June's words flood back to him. 

_ Forever is a long time. _

_ I know, I can’t wait. _

Nick blinks himself back to the present when Pryce’s door opens. He stands at attention. 

Pryce smiles kindly. “Blaine. Come in, son. We’re ready for you.”

Nick folds his hands behind his back and follows Pryce into his office. The heavy wooden door slams shut behind him.

He’s surprised to see that Pryce’s office is full of men, looking him up and down like a pack of hungry wolves. 

Pryce settles behind his desk with a groan. Normally Nick would have sat in the chair across from his desk, but it’s occupied. Three other men sit around the edge of the room. Two in suits, one in tactical military clothing. All black.

_ Something’s wrong. _Nick tries to glance at the man across from Pryce, but he’s just out of peripheral view. He knows him. His silhouette is familiar somehow and not in a good way. His energy is dark. Sinister.

Nick focuses on Pryce. Pryce had always been good to him. He didn’t know why Pryce had invited the others, but it didn’t matter. Pryce had always looked out for him. _ I’m getting out today. Starting over. _

Pryce opens a thick file folder on his desk. When he speaks, it’s to the others. Talking around Nick as if he isn’t even there. 

“Gentlemen, as you saw from my memo, we are reviewing case four hundred and thirty two this morning. Nicholas Blaine, aged twenty two. Above average IQ, college educated, due to graduate in the spring with a degree in mechanical engineering. Unmarried. Childless. Strong work ethic. Supported his family single handedly while working his way through school. Surveillance revealed no illicit behaviors or connections. Straight laced kid. Here with the Sons, he’s shown remarkable ambition. The other guys listen to him. He can take over any team in a pinch, never asks questions. Didn’t call out. Not one day.”

Nick feels sick. Blood pounds in his ears and his heart races as Pryce continues reviewing his file. _ Something’s wrong. Maybe this is a graduation ceremony. He wanted to make it feel official. That’s why they’re here. _

The stream of praise has fallen silent. Pryce looks up from the file. “Fred. What do you think.”

_ Fred. Waterford. _ Nick’s mind races, trying to connect the dots. Not understanding, but knowing with complete certainty that he’s in some kind of trap. He’d studied Waterford after the protests. High ranking Senator, unlimited power and money. Deep connections to truly horrific industries. _ What the fuck is he doing here. _

Waterford turns in his chair, appraising Nick like livestock. Nick feels his slimy gaze roaming his body. “Sounds like a guardian to me. Warren, what’s your sense?”

Mr. Putnam nods agreement. “Pryce I don’t know how you find ‘em. You’re the best at what you do.”

Pryce smiles, finally looking Nick in the eye. The paternal, caring energy that Nick had always followed- was nowhere to be found. It was like looking at a stranger. 

Nick blinks heavily, clearing his throat. “Sir, if I may.”

The men turn, surprised that a candidate would speak out of turn. 

Pryce looks wary. He nods. Warning Nick with his eyes. 

“I called the meeting to discuss program completion, Sir. Tie up any loose ends before I leave the Sons.”

The men around him laugh. 

“This is just the beginning, Nick. No one leaves the Sons of Jacob.”


	33. Ultimatum

June’s studying on her bed- laying on her stomach with her legs crossed behind her. 

Her phone vibrates-it’s Moira calling. 

June declines the call, sending it to voicemail. _ Almost done, I’ll call you back in a sec. _Her phone vibrates again. This time it’s a text from Moira. 

M: Turn on the TV. 

June frowns at her phone. She walks to her living room, sits down on her couch and flips on the TV. It takes her a second to process what she’s seeing with all of the flashing images and news tickers running across the bottom of the screen. She forces her eyes to focus on the written words. 

**Breaking News. Terrorist Attack on Congress. Hundreds dead. Martial Law declared. **

June calls Moira back, holding the phone to her ear. “Hey.”

“Are you watching?”

“Yeah. Is this real?”

“I don’t know. I think so. Fuckin’ crazy, right?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Somebody mowed down Congress with machine guns, June. DC and most of the state capitols. They’re declaring Martial Law. That’s a police state. Like- we can’t let this happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s a protest tomorrow. Come with me.”

“I don’t know…”

“June, look. It’s happening. Ok? We should have stood up and fought back when they passed that birth control law. That’s real now. Women’s rights moved back a hundred years when that passed. Now those bastards have even more power. And who knows who took out congress, no one’s claimed it yet. At best this is another 9/11. At worst- who the fuck knows. I’m going to the protest, then I’m getting out while I can. Me and some students from the anarchist collective. We’re driving to Canada before they close the borders. 

June blinks. “What?”

“I’m driving to Canada. Tomorrow. Come with me.”

June is silent, trying to process any of it. “But…Nick- I need to talk to Nick. I have to call my parents. I can’t just leave…”

“God damn it, June there isn’t time for any of that. Do you see what’s happening? Think about it and call me back. The protest is on campus at 10am, usual spot. Then I’m leaving, with or without you.”

June feels like she’s going to throw up. Her instincts tell her that Moira’s right. They have to get the fuck out. Find somewhere safe. She focuses her eyes on the news tickers. **Additional attacks reported in cities nationwide. Houston, Los Angeles. Boston. ** _ Boston. _ She hangs up, dialing her parents. No one picks up. _ They’re always home this time of day what the fuck is happening. _She dials again and again. Shaking. Breathing so fast she worries she’ll pass out.. The sound of her mother’s cheery voice on the voicemail chills her to the bone. 

Her phone vibrates. It’s Nick. June hits accept instantly, needing him more than ever. He cuts her off, talking fast. 

“June? Thank God. Listen to me. It’s not safe here. Did you see…”

“I’m watching TV now. What the fuck is happening.”

“Where are you?”

“My apartment.”

“Are you alone?”

June nods. “Yea.”

“Stay there. I’ll come get you. Pack anything you need- but you have to be able to carry it. Just one backpack. Passport, ID, keys, ok? Maybe a change of clothes. Some food, water. Ok?”

June is crying. She tries to keep it quiet, but she can’t stop it. “I’m so scared.” 

Nick pauses, softening his tone. “Listen. This is scary but it’s gonna be ok. I’ll be there in a few hours, ok? Lock your door and don’t open it for anyone who isn’t me, ok?”

June nods. “Ok.”

“One more thing, ok? I need you to smash your phone. Take the battery out. Take something heavy like a rolling pin and smash the case. Ok? I’ll explain everything when I’m there, I promise.”

June can barely talk. She’s shaking violently. “Please hurry.”

“I will. I love you.”

"I love you too.” 

\------------------------------------

**One Hour Earlier**

Pryce pulls Nick outside the office. “What’s gotten into you?”

“After I graduate, I plan to take some time, get settled. Find a job…”

Pryce shakes his head. “This is the only job you’ll ever need, Nick.” Pryce holds his gaze. “You’re getting a promotion. Increased pay, increased responsibility. We’re proud of you. You’re one of our finest. Things are gonna happen for you, Nick.”

Nick blinks, realizing that Pryce isn’t hearing him. He’s going to have to speak bluntly. 

“What’s the protocol when someone leaves the program?”

Pryce’s face changes. It’s unreadable. He glances down the hallway, ensuring no one’s listening. He steps close to Nick, speaking in hushed tones. “Let me be absolutely clear, Nicholas. We have a one-hundred percent acceptance rate for offers like this.” 

Nick blinks, fighting a growing dizziness. _ That’s not true. I talked to someone last week who was going to leave. _He pulls back and stares into Pryce’s cold, empty eyes. “What about Matthews? Matthews left, didn’t he?” 

Pryce smiles knowingly. “Have you seen him? He hasn’t reported to work this week.”

Nick holds his gaze, fighting back tears. 

“Take a minute. Get yourself together. When you’re ready, you come back in and sign the paperwork. Thank the commanders for their faith in you.” 

_ Commanders. What the fuck. _Nick senses a presence in the hallway. Several men in tactical gear, carrying large machine guns step out of the shadows, blocking either end of the hallway. 

“You’re with us, Nick. Don’t fight it. Don’t wanna end up like Matthews.”

\----------------------------

Nick leaves the office, heading straight for the locker room. He rushes to the bathroom stall, getting sick. As he catches his breath, kneeling on the tile floor- he overhears two voices. He slows his breathing and listens carefully as they talk excitedly about the planned attacks in DC. They knew a few of the guys who had been sent. “It’s finally starting.” “Praise be.” 

When the voices leave, Nick rises, washing his face and walking quickly to the donation center. His badge allows easy access, and he slips into the empty warehouse. He walks to the nearest cardboard box and pulls it open. _Ammo. Bullets. _He pauses, looking at the label on the side: “Housewares.” _What the fuck. _All of the ill-fitted pieces of the puzzle click into place in his mind. The propaganda videos. The physical training. Amassing warehouses of weapons._ Washington DC._ _Commanders. They’re getting ready for a war. _

Nick leaves, using every ounce of strength to keep his face and body language calm. Once he’s out of sight he factory re-sets his phone and tosses it into the woods. He walks to the nearest gas station- stopped cold when he sees the images on TV. Instantly knowing what they mean. He uses an old payphone to call June, then his dad and brother.


	34. Preparations

As the sun sets, June keeps the lights off in her apartment. She sits alone in the darkness, worrying. _ His call was so cryptic. He said he’d come. He should be here by now. Is he in danger? Am I in danger? _

She’s too nervous to eat. There’s nothing left to do, she’d packed everything she could carry. She sets her bag down and sits with her back against her front door. Her leg bounces nervously and she chews her fingernails down to nothing. Normally she’d text Nick when she was this scared. Or call him. Something. But she’d followed his instructions and destroyed her phone. 

Now there’s nothing to do but wait. 

Her heart jumps into her throat when she hears the elevator open at the end of the hallway. She hears boot steps in the hallway, and she freezes, barely breathing. She clenches her eyes shut, imagining the worst. _ Whoever’s after Nick has taken him. They hurt him. He told them about me. Now they’ll take me too. _

The foot steps have stopped outside her door. Her ears strain in the nightmarish silence until someone pounds on her door. A single tear runs down her cheek. 

“...June?” 

Her eyes blink open, processing. She leaps up, throwing the door open and pulling Nick into an embrace. He holds her close, cradling the back of her head as he sighs, relieved. 

He pulls back, looking her over. “You ok?”

June nods, wiping the tear away. _ I am now. _

Nick takes her hand. “Lets go.”

\------------------------------------------------------

They park in the frat district and walk to Eddie’s. Nick has a black duffel bag with him, June has her backpack. They walk quickly, hand in hand, staying on the dark side of the street, the side without streetlamps. 

They get to Eddie’s- the windows are dark and the parking lot is empty. The back door is open. Nick explains that he’d told the owner he needed a place to stay for the night- and got permission. He still had his key. 

June blinks in the darkness, seeing flickering light from the kitchen. She walks in to the space lit with candles and flashlights. She sees familiar faces smiling back at her. Josh, Anna and Mr. Blaine. 

Rebel’s there too. He leaps out of Mr. Blaine’s lap and sprints to June, licking and wagging fiercely. He’s grown into his full size but he still has his puppy energy.

June smiles and hugs him tight. Thanking the universe for the reunion with her tiny found family. 

Nick sets his bag down in a back corner of the kitchen. There’s enough open floor space there to spread out their sleeping bags. They settle down and talk. Nick explains about the phones. That SOJ was monitoring the recruits, tracking them with GPS. “They knew everything. Where I went, when. Who I talked to.” June nods, suddenly understanding. _ They knew about me. They could have used me as leverage to get to Nick. _A chill runs through her. Nick continues. “They expect me to show up for work tomorrow. That’s why we’re spending the night here. Just in case. They’re bad people, June. I don’t know what they’d do if they found out I was leaving. Better to not take any chances.” June nods gravely.

She sits up suddenly. “Moira.” 

Nick shifts, his forehead wrinkling as he listens. 

“She’s going to a protest tomorrow on campus.” 

Nick shakes his head. “It’s not safe- we don’t know who’ll be there.” 

June nods. “I know. That’s why I have to warn her. She’d do the same thing for me. She’s family too, I can’t leave her behind.” 

Nick’s face softens. He nods. Seeing how important this is to her. “Ok. But we get her and go, ok?” June nods, smiling. Feeling a flicker of hope that just maybe they could all get out before the shit hits the fan. 

June falls asleep shortly thereafter. Nick sits with her for a minute, basking in the temporary feeling of safety. After a few moments he sighs, getting up and crossing the cave like space to sit with his dad and Josh. Anna and Rebel were asleep too so they speak in hushed tones, discussing the arrangements they’d made. Nick’s dad is meeting up with friends before heading north. Josh and Anna are leaving with Nick and June tomorrow. They all decide that Rebel will go with Nick’s dad. They’d grown quite attached to each other. Having someone to love and look out for had done Mr. Blaine good- brought him back from the dead. They agree to meet in Toronto in 6 months. They’ll contact each other by email once they’re out. 

Mr. Blaine hands each son a pack with 1,000$ cash, a handgun and extra ammo. Nick knows his dad. He’s learned to read his silence as well as his words. He hugs him tight. _ I love you too, Dad. Be careful. _

Nick heads back to the corner where June is sleeping. He clicks the flashlight off and blows out the candle illuminating the small space. He lays down next to his wife, wrapping an arm around her waist gently, not wanting to wake her. June shifts in her sleep, backing herself closer into his arms and murmuring contentedly. Nick hugs June close, pulling her to his chest and holding her tight. He slides his hand down to her tummy, over their unborn child, blinking heavily. 

_ I’m gonna get you two out of here. No matter what it takes. I promise. _


	35. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning:  
Witnessed violence / murder of innocents.  
Heavy angst, suspense and danger.

The next morning, the mood is somber as Nick’s family wakes up. They roll their sleeping bags up in silence. They eat a quick breakfast of apples, bottled water and granola bars at the booths in the pizza shop, taking turns changing clothes and freshening up in the bathroom. 

Nick checks his watch. It’s 10am. The protests are starting, and the pizza shop opens in an hour. They’re out of time. 

When everyone’s ready, they move outside, to the parking lot of Eddie’s. They load the cars in silence before gathering for one last moment together as a family. Not knowing if they'll ever see each other again. 

The Blaine brothers hug their dad one last time. All three men locked in a silent embrace that lasts and lasts. No one wants to be the first to break it. They all know it might be the last one. 

They finally separate, sniffing, nodding, slapping shoulders and whispering luck to each other. Josh wipes a stray tear, climbing into the driver’s seat and Nick climbs in beside him, riding shotgun. Anna and June pile into the back. 

They drive down the street, through the frat district in silence. The street is clogged with cars parked along both sides. College kids lean on their cars, putting the finishing touches on their cardboard signs- perfecting their block lettered slogans with sharpies. 

Josh finds a spot and parks at the edge of campus, leaving the car running. 

June jumps out of the car quickly, slamming her door shut and leaning in the open passenger window to give Nick a quick kiss. He’s confused because he thought he was walking with her. June shakes her head and re-buckles his seatbelt. “It’ll be a lot quicker if I go alone.”

Nick shakes his head, brows creasing together. “Hey, listen to me, it’s not safe.” 

June smiles. “Babe, you’re dressed like one of the bad guys. The students are protesting SOJ. Don’t wanna cause a riot, do you?” 

Nick looks down at his black clothes and over at Josh in the driver’s seat- dressed identically in one of his spare SOJ uniforms. Nick knew that the borders to Canada were closed, guarded by SOJ. He figured their best bet was to leverage his position as a newly minted soldier. 

Nick holds June’s gaze, his eyes simmering with concern. Clearly not ok with this plan. 

June kisses him again, with both hands on his cheeks. “Be right back, I promise. Five minutes, tops. K?”

Nick frowns, knowing once June’s made her mind up about something it’s impossible to change it. _If I wade into that crowd dressed like this, it’ll only draw attention to her. Pryce might even be here. It’s too risky. _

He nods tightly. 

June nods, relieved. “Thanks.” She turns and walks quickly toward the crowd. 

Nick blows out a slow breath, fighting his urge to follow her anyway. His heart rate spikes through the roof as he watches her disappear into the crowd. He checks his watch, marking the time. _ Five minutes. _He closes his eyes, drawing another breath. 

\-----------------------------------------

The crowd has mixed energies, like a living breathing thing. There’s excitement. Anger. Fear. A festival atmosphere in the center, like a concert- people chatting excitedly and waiting for the rally to begin. June weaves her way through the sweaty bodies. It’s hot. Humid. But June feels a chill when her eyes stray beyond the crowd, to the ring of soldiers in black tactical gear around the perimeter. Uniforms identical to the one Nick is wearing. _ Sons of Jacob. _They appear unarmed, but their position encircling the protestors is unsettling. Menacing. 

June weaves her way through the sweaty bodies. She knows Moira’s gonna be front and center. People are packed more tightly as she approaches the stage. June stands on her tip toes, trying to look above the sea of people. When she finally spots Moira she starts pushing more aggressively. “Excuse me. Sorry. Coming through. MOIRA!” She shouts. Moira turns, working her way back toward June and wrapping her in a hug. Her smile falls away as June cups her hands around Moira’s ear, explaining her plan the best she can- basically shouting into her ear. She tells her she’s leaving- with Nick- for Canada. She urges her to leave too. Moira nods. “Let's go. I’m right behind you. Ok?” June nods. “Ok.” They hug hard. 

A current runs through the crowd. An electrical pheromonal charge. Everyone grows silent, turning toward the stage as Commander Pryce steps onto their makeshift stage. He holds his hands up, asking the crowd for quiet. He’s talking to the student organizers. It looks like he’s asking for their permit. Telling them to disperse the crowd. The crowd murmurs to itself. “Who the fuck is this guy? He isn’t one of the speakers. The fuck is he doing?”

June glances to the ring of SOJ soldiers around the protest. _ They’re closer. They’re holding machine guns. _

June’s blood runs cold. She turns to get Moira’s attention, but someone’s grabbing her arm. Pulling her away, out of the crowd. She tries to fight them, but she can’t see who it is until they break out of the crowd. _ Luke. _

Luke’s talking, shouting something at June, but she can’t hear him. It’s loud. Chaotic. People are cheering and chanting, holding up signs and fists. June tries to focus on Luke- but unable to tear her eyes away from the advancing ring of armed soldiers over his shoulder. _I have to get out of here. _As they get further from the stage, people are more spread out. Luke’s words start making sense. 

“June. Thank God. Come on.”

June’s so angry she can’t form words. She shakes her head, trying to remove Luke’s hand from her arm. He tightens his grip. 

“Listen, I’ll keep you safe, ok? Just come with me. I’ll take care of you.”

She removes his hand, walking quickly toward the waiting car, when Luke grabs her arm again, halting her escape. She turns, shoving him hard. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

“June you gotta come with me, ok? Everything that’s happened- congress, the bank accounts- you need someone to protect you, ok? I’ll take care of you. I’ll forgive everything that happened….”

June heard his last words clearly. The words resound in her mind._ I’ll forgive what happened…_

Her eyes fix on Luke as rage takes hold of her, Her hands ball up into fists at her side, trembling as she speaks slowly and clearly. “Forgive me… for what, Luke. What exactly do I need your forgiveness for?”

Luke’s brow cinches together. “You know- with Pete…” he starts. 

“What, like I’m damaged goods? You… FORGIVE me….for almost getting raped by your friend? It’s YOU who needs forgiveness for NOT BEING THERE. For NOT protecting me. I don’t need YOUR forgiveness. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done.” 

June pushes away from Luke, and he grabs both of her arms, immobilizing her. June struggles, shouting now. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!” 

Suddenly, Luke’s on the ground, holding his face. Moira is standing next to June, rubbing her fist, cursing. She'd always wanted to punch Luke, and she'd finally gotten her chance. “She said don’t touch her, asshole! You’re part of the fucking problem, you know that? Dont fucking TOUCH someone without permission what the fuck is so hard to understand? Yaknow what? You stay. This place is gonna be great for you and Pete. Chauvinist paradise.”

Moira and June jog to the waiting car, June hugs Moira one last time. “Thanks” she murmurs. Moira nods. “I’m right behind you, ok? Tell Josh not to lose me.” June nods. Holding Moira tight one last second before jumping in the back seat as Josh revs the engine, engages the clutch, putting the car in gear. 

As they pull away, June is startled by the sounds of screams. Gunshots. She turns, staring out the back window at a scene straight out of a horror film. Like the Kent State Massacre. Soldiers. Firing on peaceful protestors. 

\------------------------------------

They drive for 6 hours. 

They don’t stop. They don't talk. They’re frozen. Paralyzed with fear. Josh flips on the radio at one point, but it’s a broadcast from a group calling themselves Gilead. Urging people to return to their homes. To comply with their guardians. 

It’s too frightening to comprehend, and he switches it back off. 

It’s 5pm when they arrive at the US-Canadian Border. But something’s wrong. It’s different. June had been here once before- she remembered it clearly from family vacations- the huge billowing American flags from her memories have been torn down and replaced with a red flag with a white eagle and sunburst.

The gnawing sense of dread that had been building all day reaches a crescendo. June is shaking. She holds Anna’s hand in the back seat. They sit perfectly still. Her stomach twists. She can barely breathe. 

They wait their turn, as the single line of cars moves, one at a time, inching toward the new border, between freedom and whatever hell America had become. 

The scene before her eyes is unbelievable. A dystopian hellscape of tall fences and coiled barbed wire. Guarded by machine guns and men in oiled black leather. Like WWII Germany or northern Ireland. An occupied nation. 

June watches as the car at the check point is directed to pull off to the side. She watches in horror as a family climbs out, a father, a mother, and two sleepy children holding stuffed animals. The children are being led inside by smiling women in brown nun’s clothes. As soon as they are out of sight, the father is restrained, forced to his knees and executed with a single bullet to the back of his head. His wife screams, hitting and cursing the black clad guardians as they drag her away, pulling a black hood over her head. Two guardians pick up the man’s body by his feet, not even bothering to flip him over, and drag him to the woods. 

June feels Nick’s eyes on hers in the rearview mirror. She holds his gaze, unable to speak. Nick’s eyes flutter as he blinks rapidly. He steadies his voice. Speaking calmly. “When it’s our turn, let me do the talking.” June and Anna are silent. Nick’s eyes are back on June’s in the mirror. “You’re not pregnant. You can’t get pregnant. Do you understand?” June nods, swallowing. Not understanding any of this. 

When it’s finally their turn, Nick and Josh roll up the windows, leaving the air conditioning on maximum. They exit the vehicle. The blasting AC covers the voices outside the car, which is a merciful excuse to not try and listen to the conversation. June watches the Guardians’s faces as they scan Nick’s paperwork. Their forged documents and passes. Seconds crawl by like years.

She watches- praying it doesn’t end for them like it ended for the family ahead of them.

She tries to memorize Nick's face. Every curve. Every shade.

In case this is the end. 


	36. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter of this story. Thank you so much for the support <3

_ June is dressed like a nun. _

_ Clothed in a red wool dress that covers her from neck to ankle. _

_ Her white bonnet has blinders, like horses used to wear. _

_ She stares at her hands, folded prayerfully in her lap. _

_ Waiting on the edge of a bed. _

_ A rich person’s bed. A four poster canopy bed, dressed with an ornate silk comforter. _

_ A chill runs through her. She feels it before she hears it. _

_ Footsteps. In the hallway. The Commander._

_ She knows why he’s coming. _

_ What’s expected of her. _

_ She steels herself, remembering her training. _

_ “You will bear children for the leaders and their barren wives.” _

_ June lays down on her back, trying to keep her face even. _

_ She bites the inside of her cheek so she won’t cry. _

_ She focuses her eyes on the ceiling- on the crystal chandelier. _

_ Tiny glass gems twinkle in the low light. Like stars. Or faeries. _

_ “You are a sacred vessel.” _

_ She raises her arms, so that her hands are next to her head in a gesture of surrender. _

_ She complies. Because this isn’t rape. This is service. A sacred ceremony. _

_ June’s stomach twists with disgust as the wife’s bony hands encircle her wrists. _

_ Cold clammy skin. Like a corpse. _

_ “Think on your duties to the Lord.” _

_ June’s eyes clench shut. Someone is lifting her dress to her hips. _

_ The tears are coming, they can’t be stopped. _

_ She focuses all of her energy on letting the sweaty hands spread her legs apart. _

_ She’s giving birth. She can tell because there’s pain and hot blood between her legs. _

_ Her baby is crying for her. _

_ June tries to sit up, but can’t. _

_ She’s shackled to the bed by the wrists. She’s a prisoner. _

_ The man is leaving with her child in his arms. The door slams shut. _

_ Her baby screams for her from the hallway. _

_The tiny voice fades as his footsteps recede. _

_ June closes her eyes. Focusing on her breath. Relaxing her body. _

_ Growing calm in the silence. _

_ There are more footsteps in the hallway. Another man. Another Commander. _

_ She knows why he’s come and what he expects of her. _

_ She tries to remember her training. _

_ “Open your legs. Be a good girl.” _

June sits bolt upright, screaming. 

She jumps out of bed, chest heaving. Desperately trying to orient herself.

_ The bedspread. _ Her eyes fix on the shabby quilt covering her bed. Mismatched squares of ugly fabric. Cheap fabric that’s come apart a bit due to use. Her beloved quilt. A gift from Moira. _ Moira made this. She used scraps from clothes to make this. This is real. This is mine. I’m in Canada. I’m safe. That was just a dream. _

June wipes her face. _ Two pillows on the bed. Two head impressions. Because Nick lives here too. _

With each bit of evidence she collects, the images from the nightmare fade, but the feeling remains, like a fog around her. A lingering scent of terror. _ A message. A warning. _

_ It was so real. _

She walks to the bathroom, and splashes cold water on her cheeks. It’s refreshing. Grounding her. She towels her face and returns to the bedroom, noting the crumpled magazine by her bed. 

Everything clicks into place. She’d been up until midnight reading about Gilead. A handful of refugees had escaped and shared their stories. Told of horrors beyond imagining. 

Kidnapping. Sexual slavery. Torture. Murder. 

_ That could have been me. That _ _ would _ _ have been me if we hadn’t gotten out. _

She shivers to think how close she was to being killed. She could have been shot at the protests. Or- without Nick, without his clearance, they would have been stopped at the border. She would have been tested and found fertile. _ That would have been me. _

She looks around her bedroom. Her sense of security coming back. She notes the pack n’ play next to their bed. Her heart swells. 

_No one took my baby._ _We got out. We’re safe. _

June smiles as she scans the wall, covered in photos. Black and white images on printer paper, taped to the wall. 

After their escape, she and Nick had nothing. No money, no jobs- and it had been hard starting over completely. But after a year, they’d saved enough money to get a cell phone with a camera. It had quickly become their most prized possession. They photographed everything. Holly’s first birthday party. The wide beaming toothless grin of a 5 year old. Her first day of school. The day they finally moved into their first rented house. 

They’d printed all of these pictures at the Library, and taped them to the wall. _ Someday we’ll re-print these in color. Someday we’ll get frames. _

June smiles. Because, actually, she doesn’t want it to be any different than this. Just to have this space, this freedom, this safety- is a happier ending than she could ever have hoped for. _ It doesn’t have to be any more than this. This is perfect. _

June looks at the clock, it’s 11:30 am. Nick had let her sleep late again. He never woke her when she overslept in the summer. He’d sneak downstairs with Holly and make breakfast, saving June a plate in the oven. They usually went to play outside so they wouldn’t wake her. 

\-----------------------------------

The kitchen smells like pancakes and syrup. Orange juice and coffee. The dishes are done and drying on the rack. The oven is on “warm” with a sticky note on the front. 

_ “Saved some for you. _

_ We’re outside. _

_ -N” _

June heads to the backdoor, opening the screen door. Wincing when the rusty hinges squeal in protest. She makes a mental note to get some W-D-40 next time they drive into town. 

After 5 years in tiny cramped apartments, they’d decided to rent a house further out of town. Still in Holly’s school district, but backing up against a field. Nick had fussed about the amount of yard work it would take to maintain the place- and June had told him to just let everything grow. They had no neighbors to complain about long grass. 

And she was glad they’d let their land lay fallow. The earth rewarded them with a field of bright blue and yellow wildflowers. Holly loved picking them, and Nick would weave them into bouquets and flower crowns for her. 

June’s heart warms when she hears their voices. 

She walks around the house, to find Holly and Nick sitting on the driveway, drawing with chalk. Holly sees her and jumps up, sprinting into her arms with a wide smile. June holds her tight, kissing her head. _ That could have been me. _

June opens her eyes, focusing on her daughter. Safe in her arms. _ It isn’t me. We made it out. We’re safe. _

June brushes the brown curls out of Holly’s face and asks her what she’s working on. Holly pulls June by the hand to her masterpiece. It’s some sort of unicorn or horse, flying over an elaborate tangle of colors that Nick is still working on.

June sits next to him, and he speaks without glancing over. “We saved you some pancakes.” 

June smiles. “I know, thanks.” “What’s this?” She asks, pointing where he’s working- the mismash of colors. 

Nick frowns at his drawing. “First she wanted a house, but then she wanted it to be a rainbow instead, but we don’t have green, so I’m mixing yellow and blue. It doesn’t look right.”

June turns, staring at Nick- deep in concentration. 

He feels her gaze, and turns. “What?”

June leans in and kisses him on the mouth. June moves to her knees, taking his face in her hands and kissing him in earnest. She loses herself in it. Not stopping until she hears his chalk drop to the pavement. She feels his hands on her arms. She smiles, finally pulling away slowly. Wanting more. Always wanting him more. Burning for him. 

Nick smiles. “What was that for?”

“Just for being you.” June murmurs. She points at his drawing. “This looks good.”

“Yeah?” He looks back down, tilting his head just slightly, brows crinkling together. Trying to see what she likes about it.

June nods. “Yeah. It’s a house rainbow. It’s both. Don’t change a thing. It’s perfect.”

Nick chuckles. “Thanks.” 

His gaze drops to her belly as his hand comes to rest on the tiny bump that’s only just started to show. “How’s my son today?” He murmurs, brushing his thumb across his unborn child reverently. 

June smiles. “I barely know he’s there. Quiet kid. Like his dad.” 

Nick smiles, bending down to kiss her tummy. His eyes shimmering a little. 

He blinks and clears his throat, smiling at June. “You hungry?” 

June nods, staring at his lips. “Starving.”

\-------------------------------

Nick makes lunch and they get Holly down for a nap afterward. 

June tells Nick she needs his help with something. 

He follows her down the stairs, into the guest bathroom. He frowns, anticipating her complaint. “Sink still dripping?” 

June shakes her head, locking the door behind them as he fiddles with the metal faucet. She steps close to him, sliding her hands across his chest. Staring at him like a meal. 

Nick is frowning, opening the cabinet under the sink. 

June stops him. 

He finally looks at her. Scanning her expression. Recognition dawning. He steps in and kisses her, cupping her cheek in his palm. He makes quick work of her shorts, pulling them down with her underwear. June kicks them off, kissing Nick feverishly. He lifts her to the bathroom sink. June’s fumbling with his belt. “I need you. Please.” Nick’s eyes darken at her husky voice, and he takes over, quickly unbuckling and pushing the fabric down off his hips. He pulls her close and presses inside her, moaning into their kisses. 

A few minutes later, they’re coming down from their high, foreheads pressed together. 

“You’re insatiable” he murmurs between kisses. 

June nods. “I can’t get enough of you.” 

Nick kisses her again, slowly, before wrapping his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

June leans her head against his, sighing contentedly. “I love you.”

Nick nods, squeezing her tighter. “I know. I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Haven’t been this excited about a story since recovery! THANK YOU TO @splitscreen @aquavella @skyshipper @fleurdelivres @benofie @teamnick and everyone who workshopped this with me. Hope you enjoy it.


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